Faith sent me a message.

By pure coincidence i opened my junk mail and found a reminder for this blog.  It has meant so much to me throughout the years, and as i read it, it is an incredible tale of my youth. I just have a tendancy to forget it when i'm happy.

A quick update of my life status:
My son is now 3 years old, and he is still the love of my life. In the beginning of his young life, i was sufforing from a postpartum reaction, and at the same time, my disorder made the uncontrollable life that is motherhood unbearable at times. But at the moment im considering having a second child.
Jesper is sailing 2 weeks at a time. I was so scared that I couldn't manage without him, but to my surprising im thriving and its overpowering to feel this independent for the first time in my life.
I'm almost done stuying chemical and biotechnical science. I'm currently an employed student.
It was a rough start at my internship. For a long while i felt like i could do nothing right, and i felt a huge wall between me and some of my coworkers. Later i learned that there was a huge workplace environment problem that i landed smack in the center of. It's better now, but for a while i was stressed, unhappy and someone made rumors to my boss. But my boss was so sweet and protected me, unlike my previous experiences at this in the past.
My work is so interesting, but i know i cant stay there after my internship is over. I need a fresh start somewhere i will be respected for my merit and not viewed as the newbie. I've made some good friends/coworkers as well.

I can now also say that i have a hobby :D This is the highlight of my life at the moment. It is my escape and has been my relief throughout the hard times. I'm doing powerlifting. My plan is to compete at some point. At the moment i can squat 100kg, deadlift 115 and bench 55 kg. It's decent and i'm proud of my achievements. being a parent, while studying 1,5 hour away from the nearest grandparent,is hard enough, but also keeping in shape and striving for a goal, is something not everyone can. At the same time having gotten through my past, that's extra ordinary.

But i'm still not happy..

I long for love. I long for the passion I had with Jesper. I long for the teenage crush and the life or death rush he made me feel.
Back then he made me feel like the most important person in the world. Like a rare species among women.

When i was younger, i felt like i was the only person in the world with these kind of problems, but in hindsight i see that i was ill, while going though normal teenage insecurities. So now i'm thinking that my current problem is just a normal parenthood issue. That makes me second guess myself, and for my sons sake i have to be more than sure. I cannot do what my instincts tell me to, and search for something to fill my heart.

next up for me, is finding a permanent job and possibly moving to a house. Maybe a second child... Life is open to me, and i'm sure i want these things, but i'm also sure i want true love.

*maria

This body..

..produced a child since last. It is strong and has been through so much. It deserves my respect. Behind the foundation on my cheeks are a lot of spots. They are part of a story that only my eyes have seen in full.
Lately I've been seeing my past in flashes. MY ugly painfull past. Whatever hurt and whatever pain I may feel now or Jesper think is suffocating. I don't think he has felt the pain i come from. I had partially repressed it. But lately it has reemerged.
Not beeing able to play your game whenever you feel like it, or having a lifepartner tell you something for the millionth time, is not pain.
I intended this post to go in another direction, but as i am writing and sitting here submerged in the feelings my past brings up. It kind of makes the last year's worth of pain seeem rediculus. That includes this so called "regret" of Jespers.
There is still so much of my past that he doesn't know. Things that happened between him leaving the first time. I'm not sure I even remember half of it fully.
I just.. sigh.. I've come so far. Looking back, it's incredible.
I am a mother.. The one thing i thought I would never bee capable of being. I am... Not just biological, but I'm actually a mom in every sense of the word. It is my identity

My son is now almost 8 months and he is thriving and i love him. I would die without him. Maybe that is why I'm remembering the pain from before.. I've loved and lost so many times, but one time almost cost me everything. Now I don't matter. Someone else is more important.
And it is scary.

But I'm strong, and my body is the proof. It has endured so much more than I thought it could and it is a proof, that I will too.

work and leisure

Reading my old post, I realize that i was proberbly very stressed from starting back at work after 2 years. It got better later on, and i took on as many shifts as i possibly could, so i've now save up around 22.000 out of the 34.000 i need for my surgery.
I really like my job in Farsø and my kolleages at day shift. Sometimes i have to work evening shifts. I don't really like them because the route is more stressfull and half the coworkers are hard to be around. Last week I had 7  evening shift in a row, and during the last two shift, something went bad. I'm usually very liked by everyone and I'm told I'm very cabeble. Saturday I was first told that I was going to take on a client who wasn't on my list. Usually, then someone takes another client in return, so the workload fits, but not this time. It didn't sit well with me, but i did it. Later on the shift, I was at a client who is farely young, but is really down on his lock physically, and can't relly do anything on his own. I guess he was frustrated that day, but he ended up taking it out on me. He called me stupid for not turning the fork the right side up and raised his voice. It was devastating for me. I got tunnel vision, a sinking feeling in my gut, and tears were pressing on. I tried to keep up apearence, but as  soon as I got out of the house I started crying. I drove home and sat in Jespers arms for a while.

The next day at work i was in a bit of a mood, but I showed up. But then one of my coworkers wanted me to take on one of her clients again without taking any of mine. I questioned why she couldn't take it, an out of the blue she raised her voice and told me, that, that was how they did it here, and taht I would easely be able to make the time. Again i got a warm rush rolling in over me, tunnel vision and a sinking feeling in my gut. I think i looked very surpriced, and i hardly remember what happened then, but I think i said I was going to do it and then i left for my shift, without the usual have a nice shift comment.

I was crushed! Critisism from a client is one thing, but not from a coworker. I could hardly function in my work so after 3 hours i finally threw in the towel, and called another of my coworkers to say that i had to go home because i wasn't feeling well. She amediatly suspected the insident earlier for being the reason, but I denied it. But she told me that she thought it was a bit harsh, and she would have said something, but didn't think it was her place. They called someone in and i got to go home. After that I wasn't supose to work there for another week cuz I was going to work at my third job.
But today my boss wrote to me that i didn't have to work tomorrow, so I could have a day off. I told her, that i was sad to her that and that they could call me sunday if they needed me. I had a sinking feeling in my gut again, and a feeling I've had a couple of times before when I was about to be let go.
She then wrote me back, that she gave me the day of because she had heard from a evening shift, that I had only 5 days of in december. I wasn't surpriced they had talked to the boss, but I had hope they wouldn't, cuss who knows what had been told. I've been bullyied by a coworker once before in this line of work, so it all just feels a little bit too familiar. I wrote back that it was sweet of her to think of my wellbeeing, but that I had chosen it for myself, and that I would quit one of the other jobs if it was too much. She never wrote me back after that.

I don't know if the universe is screwing with me or not, but shortly after the text, I got a call with a job offer at a nother eldercare facillity. I told them I would find out how much work there was for me in farsø, and get back to them.

I really don't wanna start another new job again again, but I may have too.

I'm so sad and i'm just left with a feeling that's way to familiar from earlier in my life. I need and want Jesper, but I'm so ashamed. I thought writing things down, would help me see, that I have nothing to be ashamed of.
I'm more capable at my work than most of my coworkers with a degree in the field, and I'm a stable workforce who rarely complaints about terrible working conditions. And on a consious plan, I know i'm not to blame for the insidents last weekend, then why do i feel so bad?



I can't afford to lose work, cuz there is no more social support for people like me out of work, but I feel i'm beeing cornered against a wall. I can't keep working under these conditions, but I have no other option. I just want a steady regular job that I like for 9 more months.

I have no where else to look for fault, but my own, and my condition doesn't really make that any less painfull.
So I'm doing what I'm not supposed to, and drinking. I'm just tired of trying to be the good version of me. I need a little down time..

 gonna look at jobsites and checking out the place that called me earlier now.. cheers cruel world





Maria*


update: 29-03-2016
I stayed in Farsø and had the other job offer to fill the rest of my quota. I saved up the money. Got the surgery and loved it. still do. I then moved with Jesper to Aarhus big city. Started back in school and got a student job in Aarhus eldercare. Got pregnant and moved into a house a little outside Aarhus. I now have a son with Jesper and I'm finishing college this summer and applying for the education as a bionanalist next.

What's wrong with me?

I have to write in here again before I start loosing my mind. I have no idea what has happened, but since around the first of july, I have been feeling different than normal.
It started out with my temper growing. All the sudden I felt like blowing up over the smallest things. It almost made me lose my temper at work. Then around ten days later it seemed that my world lost all its color. I started to feel blue and i've been easy to tears. I don't know what to do. I'm in pain, and I think it's in serious danger of affecting my relationship with Jesper.
I most of all feel the need to create a safe cocoon or nest where I can recooperate and be lost for a while. Only problem is that half my heart belongs to Jesper, and when I feel this hurt, I can't find peace in my safe heaven without him. I'd wish he'd dedicate some days to nursing me back to health.

I have to work each day, but I'm afraid that my mood is the result of being back in that line of work. It's very draining on your psyché, but i'm trying to be very aware of my own symptoms.


Maria ^

I'll write more soon, cuz I need to plan for some sort of strategy, and explore what is really behind this sudden mood change.

Love and loss

The day before yesterday, I handed my dog of to his new owners. I have been preparing for it for a month, but it still feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.

The past month I've been purposely avoiding seeing him too much, and I think it has helped a little, since I'm used to not having him around. The last day I had him the sun was shining and we played all day and I got to take some photos to remember him by. He slept separately in the kitchen from us, but he took it really nice and didn't complain much.

Doing the long drive over to Copenhagen (4 hours away) Archie laid in my lap most of the way. The new owner is really sweet and she is nice enough to keep me updated with pictures and other things, and it sounds like he's doing really well. He has his own bed in their bedroom, and she has taken time of from work to be home with him for a couple of days.

Archie got me through some really rough times, and he saved me from myself when i was at my worst. I think I could have done a lot more for him while I had him, but he never complained and just loved me no matter what :´)
But I think I've made the right decision, even though so many people second guess it.
It makes me sad when they do that, cuz I can't afford to second guess the decision. It would destroy me if i suddenly felt I had made a mistake.

Jesper is a great support through all of this, but of course no words can take away the blazing pain.
I'm deliberately avoiding drinking, since I'm still so sad.

Today at least I didn't wake up crying, but I was just so depressed this morning so I could hardly get out of bed.
Tomorrow I'll begin my new job at the elder care center. I'm a little nervous, since I didn't have such a great experience the last time, and I'm kinda vulnerable right now. But as long as i have Jesper, my world will stay up.. love you hon

I'll try to write more, but I feel such an intense sadness when i focus on Archie right now, that I don't like doing it to much.


^Maria

Hon..

I don’t know how it’s possible, but I’m falling even more in love with you lately. Even though one could argue that we fight more, then in a way I think what is happening, is that I see you for all that you are. I see your biggest flaws and I show you mine, and yet, we still want to continue.

                                                                                                                                  -Maria

Next..

There's gonna be a post missing in between this one and the previous one, but suffice it to say, we worked things out.

Yesterday I told my landlord that I'm moving, so I now have 2,5 months to vacate the place. I'm moving in with Jesper. Something I'd never thought would happen the first time we chatted over msn, but now we are, and I'm excited.

My mother is having one of her more difficult periods. She is insecure and in a bad mood, which she usually takes out on the only one who she can hurt without any consequences.. me.
She doesn't have much ammo on me, but the things she does, she uses so expertly that it hurts every time she opens her mouth.

I can't help but to think, that if I ever had a daughter I would want to have a close relationship with her, where she can tell me everything. I wonder if my mother thought the same when she was young. I hear how other people find strength in talking to their mother about their problems, and I feel all empty and sad inside. There's a huge part of my heart that's broken, and it's been broken for a long time.

I've always felt Linkin Park's lyrics describe my feelings towards my mother very well, but this is the best one:

"Numb"

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus:]
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me,
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take.

[Chorus:]
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you.

And I know
I may end up failing too.
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you.

[Chorus:]
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware.
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you.

[Chorus:]
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)

I'm sick of this..

It's now been over 24 hours, and whatever I was going through is almost gone. I don't need to talk about any of it, but I need to be past it.

I need us to make up now.. I just don't know how

#maria

Hi hon..

I know you've been looking at my page today, hoping i'd perhaps write something to let you know how I'm doing through this.. what ever it is..

I don't have any answers to what the hell is wrong. All i know is that it's bad on both sides. I don't even have a clue as to what's wrong on my end. I've been detatched from my feelings all day long, and it's possible to do it with some effort now. Underneath it all I'm hurting. I know cuz I felt it when you wrote a text. The only way to figure out what's wrong is to let it all in, and I'm afraid to do so.

I wanted to cut to let some of the pain I don't feel yet, out, but I don't wan't to do so because then I'll feel. Instead, when the song, close to you, came on the radio, I forced myself to hear this über love song. The whole situation just seem so morbidly ironic if I where to die in a carcrash right there with that song playing. I kinda liked the idea..


I found this song text yesterday..:

Ne-yo

Mad:
She's staring at me, I'm sitting wondering what she's thinking
Ummm Nobody's talking, cause' talking just turns into screaming
And now as I'm yelling over her, she yelling over me,
all that that means is neither of us are listening,
and what's even worse, that we don't even remember why we're fighting

So both of us are mad for nothing (fighting for)

I know sometimes it's gonna rain,
But baby can we make up now
cause' I can't sleep through the pain (can't sleep through the pain)
girl I don't want to go to bed mad at you
and I don't want you to go to bed, mad at me
no I don't want to go to bed mad at you
and I don't want you to go to bed, mad at me

Oh baby this love ain't gonna be perfect
And just how good it's gonna be
We can fuss and we can fight as long as everything is alright between us before we go to sleep...




And it's not your fault that I feel this way. Even if you weren't depressed I'd still be feeling this way today. My situation, again what ever the hell it is, started the same time as yours, it is not a direct result of today, so don't feel bad about that.

You say you need a couple of days to your self, and that's frankly a good idea. I need some distance too. I'm just worried that my emotionel block at some point will crumble, and I'm afraid of what lies beneath it..


I think the next lyric fits nicely in with the rest of the context of this blog..

Pink - just give me a reason.:

I'm sorry I don't understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine
(Oh we had everything)
Your head is running wild again
My dear we still have everythin'
And it's all in your mind
(Yeah but this is happenin')
You've been havin' real bad dreams oh oh
You used to lie so close to me oh oh
There's nothing more than empty sheets
Between our love, our love
Oh our love, our love

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Oh tear ducts and rust
I'll fix it for us
We're collecting dust
But our love's enough
You're holding it in
You're pouring a drink
No nothing is as bad as it seems
We'll come clean





Theres more beneath the surface hon, but just remember that it's mostly love..

#Maria

Seriously

I've been wondering about how the last time my relationsship with Jesper was so different from now. I think the best way to describe it is if you imagine a couple of birds who locks claws in mid air. You know it's not gonna go well, but for the duration of it, the birds only see each other.
Looking back I know my borderline was at it's worst. Everything was black and white. I either loved him with all of my soul or I pushed him away with all of my strength.
I latched on to him, because i genually knew I needed him to survive, but at the same time I was scared shitless of the same fact. So of course on the resieving end you start to get caught up in the whirlwind of emotions, and you start feeling the same.

As hard as we loved, just as hard did we fall, and I think that's why it's different now. When I as a young girl fell of a horse for the first time, it took almost a half year before the full love of riding was back, and the fear of falling wasn't as big. guess you can draw parallels to that story.

I'm still afraid to fall, and from time to time I just wanna get of the horse .. :(
It's for the better that my borderline is under control. Though I sometimes miss the same passion as back then from his side.


sigh! I'm depressed, irritated, angry, jealous and sad today. It's not pretty. I know a lot of it can be credited to my hormones, but it doesn't change the fact that I still feel the feelings.
I think it's a good thing I'm not gonna see Jesper today. I'm a walking timebomb who almost blew up yesterday over the sillyest thing.

I'm spending the day with stick. I'm looking foreward to go shopping with her, and perhaps our workout afterwards will help on my cramps. We are going to watch the movie thirteen tonight. It's about a young girl who went through the same thing as I did as a teen. Stick often ask me about it. How it felt to do drugs, if I'm still cutting, and generally what happened back then. So I told her about this movie, and I hope it will give her some general idea. The movie has a secundary story where her best friend gets left behind for the cool crowd that does drugs, and it's the part that might get a little delicate, since that's sort of what happend to us.

oh well my mood is perfect for dealing with these kind of issues, so it'll be fine.


#Maria

Bad luck..

My mind can't quite cope any more with all the things I have to handle. There are too many problems building up, so I thought I'd write them down, and maybe it will help.

1) Bills
I have to get a tooth fixed, and who knows what else they'll find while there in there. It's probably gonna cost a lot. I hope my parents will offer to help pay the bill. Otherwise I don't know what to do.

Other than that, then the state wants the money back they paid for my apartment now. I have to call them and figure out some payment plan, cuz I'm only on a student income, so it's really stupid for them to want it back now.

2) Car

3) Dog
I don't have any time left over for my dog anymore, and It's gnawing at my conscience that I have to leave him home alone all the time.

4) homework
There is a ton of homework lately, and it's hard to find the energi to keep doing it, when there are so many other things I'd rather be doing.

sigh.. nope didn't help, but atleast now I have some order to the chaos in my mind.

:'(

I'm sick, and I'm depressed. I don't know what's the worst. My body is aching, and my mind can't find any peace at all..

Wish someone would just make it all go away

Tips about me

This is a work in progress..

The reason why I'm doing this list is, to better understand myself, but also because Jesper once told me it would be so much easier if i came with a manual.

1.)

As a child, I never got any recognition for anything that I did. Instead I heard all about what I shouldn't do and what I had already done wrong.

As a result I can't get enough praise and reassurance, and if someone gives me positive reinforcement for something, I will keep doing that thing and be happy and proud doing it.

It makes me sound like a dog, but hey.. it is what works ;)

I will work very hard to get the positive feedback and to make others happy. The only downside to this is, if I have been doing a lot of good things that merit some sort of recognition, and I don't get it. I get a bit moody.

2.)

I love to hear personal things, stories and facts about the people i love. I feel special to the people who choose to tell me things about them selves. Even the smallest of trivia and boring details about their day is relevant to me, if I love them. 

3.)

If I seem sad or quiet, the best way to lift my spirit is giving me a lot of attention. It actually doesn't take long for my mood to lift, if I feel like it's important to others that I feel better.

4.)

When I'm angry it's best to just leave me be, and for god sakes do not criticize anything I do, cuz then I'll just get more offended. And yes, I don't get mad when I'm mad, I get offended. I do this because I know I'll regret my actions later if I have some sort of angry outburst. When I'm offended I feel all the anger on the inside, but it takes a little while longer for it to go away again.

4.)

When I'm very happy, people just gotta keep doing what they're doing cuz it's obviously working. The only thing that can ruin my mood is when other people are in a bad mood.

5.)
...

well I'll build this list up as I go, cuz I think it could use some more specific "how to" scenarios ;)

I'm louder than most and usually the last resort. I'm there for joy, I'm there for pain, I'm not for the tame, but what's my name?

I have descided to try my hands on a little riddle..

soon..

The presence of a dark cloud following me is undeniable. Like a nightmare I can’t escape and can’t quite remember, something is the in the dark corner of my mind. The news of my mothers despair over not having full control over me, puts a damper on my mood, but worst of all I fear the repercussions of my choice to not play her game. Wikipedia explains the word “repercussions” as a recoil of something after impact, I can only close my eyes and wait for the hurt.

It is not a terrible thing, but it definitely affects my mood. I don’t know how much Jesper can sense it, cause I’m getting good at “being” in the mood. Being in a mood means accepting that there is a shit storm of feelings inside you that are uncomfortable and that you have absolutely no use for. Sometimes they aren’t even rational and can be explained as the effect of a cause. Accepting this means staying calm, not taking it out on other people and not fighting it.

Before my sobriety I had no training in this, because drinking was the way to cope a mood. I know it’s the borderline making everything seem much worse than it is, but when it’s really bad you can compare it to a sharp pain in your stomach that continues until the point where you can’t sit still and you just want to scratch out the pain.

Today is not one of the really bad days, neither was yesterday, but I feel that one of those days is closing in on me.

My mother is not the reason why I feel a dark shadow hanging over me. Something I can’t quite put my finger on is causing a lot of anxiety and a feeling of panic in my body. a part of it could be it’s the fear of being around some people on New Years Eve, whom I know doesn’t like me too much. I did not intentionally make them not like me, but they’ve only seen me at my worst. I don’t want to be their friend or something like that, but I don’t like that my past still haunts me there. I wanna separate myself from it as much as possible, so it’s important that they see me now for who I really am. I’m nervous because I’m still learning who I am, and when ever I’m nervous I get clumsy. Not only in the physical sense, but also in the social sense. I hope Jesper will see this, and help me. Knowing that I have a partner and that you are a part of a team takes a lot of pressure off. 

Black christmas in the light

I promised my self, that I would try to write in here for the very first christmas. It seems fitting to try and remember a christmas that isn't a total disaster. I can't even remember the last christmas, cuz I tried to get through it by drinking. I remember the christmas before that though. I remember drinking a lot by sneaking out to the kitchen and filling my glass over and over again. It was our turn to have my grand parents over, but it had only been months since my brake down and I was very unstable and I remember I just sat staring out in to the air all evening, except for when I lifted my glass to drink. The night ended with me going up to my room and sitting with a butcher knife to my wrist. Just sitting there without making a sound, staring with dead eyes out into the dark room. Without looking down and without flinching I made a swift move with the knife. When I finally looked down a large pool of blood had formed on the floor. Like in a trance I put a shirt under my arm so the blood wouldn't run down on the floor all over the house, and I calmly walked into my parents bedroom and told my father that I would like to go to the emergency room. by then I think i had lost about half a liter of blood.
What scares me the most about that evening is the fact that everything i did was so calm. At no point was i crying uncontrollably or even scared, but something did tell me, that it just wasn't my time yet.

I'm glad my story didn't end there. I would have missed out on what is a new chapter in my life. I would have left without even making up with Jesper, and without knowing what a normal adult life feels like.

I have spent the last couple of days with Jesper, so Christmas has sneaked up on me painlessly this year.    Christmas day started with waking up at Jesper's. I always start by going into the bathroom and putting on my face. I usually take my time and after that I find my breakfast and sit in front of the tv. I know Jesper is craving playing his game, so I always intentionally give him the space to do it. Later we watched a movie and played a board game together before he drove me back to my parents. For a little while after he had driven home I felt like something was missing, but then I felt asleep on the sofa. My parents woke me up with an espresso when it was time for dinner. Luckily they know to leave me alone for a little while when i've just woken up, so I sat quietly eating the appetizer. It was as usually some experimental dish. I think it was some sort of raw marinated fish. I don't mind trying something new as long as I know i can eat till i'm stuffed later when the bird comes.
I didn't wan't to get drunk this Christmas, but my brother and I really have a hard time finding something to talk about, so I agreed to take a single beer with his wine. It got a little easier to talk after that.
The night went by without any drama, but a surprising amount of laughter. It is more than has filled this house for almost a decade. I got some good presents this year, so overall it was a really good christmas.

I sometimes get the paranoid idea that I've been in a car accident and is in a coma dreaming about all of this. It just seems a little too good to be true. If I am in a coma, I hope they never wake me up from my pleasant dream ;)

So this was this years christmas.. now i've written it down, so I can somewhat remember this one next year. I'll go to bed now knowing i'll prolly have a hard time not missing Jesper.

nighty night and mary Christmas

It's time for a little confession of mine.

During Christmas there is so much focus on love of all kinds. All the series i follow all have this grand theme of romance and finding the one. If you listen carefully, all the usual Christmas songs in the radio, all have the romance theme too.
Normally I don't miss romance and softness so much. I get uncomfortable with them because I'm afraid it will make me let my guard down, and I have this insane idea that people secretly just wanna hurt me.
For some reason, during Christmas I can suddenly open up a little more. I actually somehow try to make up for the amount of softness i didn't take in during the rest of the year. It's very bizarre.
Any who.. things like romantic movies and songs suddenly seem very appealing to me. Cute animals and romantic notions like sitting in front of a fireplace drinking hot coco with someone i love seems appealing as hell.

My cynical self is almost completely suppressed. I don't even feel like going to that dark corner of my brain where hope goes to die and thoughts of cutting and dying lives.

An example of this madness is this song.. I don't know why i sort of like it, but I have a suspicion it's because of the lyrics.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvCBSSwgtg4

Even this post is a bit more positive than usual ;)

She thinks i'm failing

Trying to hold back my emotions, because i'm sitting right in front of her. My mother just told me she thinks i'm failing. She think I'm falling back into my old habbits. I have never been so far from them. I've never been so "healthy" yet she pretty much told me, i'm failing and that I'm just as bad as i've ever been.

She could not have said anything that would cut me deeper and hurt me more.

I have to work really hard now to not just give up and let her be right or to not believe what she is saying..

I know I schould proberbly be more direct and tell you hon, but when I start sharing my frustration on something my mother is doing at that moment, it is because I need your support. I need you to just listen and just be there.. It would help me avoid a lot of pain.

I need you..

"I somewhat see when I'm being influenced by my disorder, so I can do something to prevent a negative effect, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel what i feel. Some people will call them episodes, but I'm so adapt at controlling them, so most people don't even know when I'm going through one, so I won't call them episodes. I'll call them a dive, cuz to me it feels like taking a wrong turn off a cliff moodwize. My insecurity flares up, and along side it anger. The anger is my way of protecting myself during a dive. unfortunately it also prevents me from reaching out and telling people what I need to feel better. I need Jesper to look me in the eyes and tell me that he'll stay besides me as long as I need it, even if I hurts him." From a draft of a new post

i don't like it when..

..I make plans with someone and they change them for no good reason. It makes me feel unimportant.

..I am texting someone a semi long text, and don't even get a reply back. Just because there is no question in my text, it's nice to get at least a short acknowledgement.

..people leaves without notice when I've been talking to them over some form of social network or program. It's rude and it's the same as hanging up the phone without a goodbye. It confuses the hell out of me, and i feel forgotten. Of course if there hasn't been any back and forth for a while, it's ok.

..when someone disrupts my sleep, when it's not important. For this particular reason i hate my neighbor.

..Someone startles me. I get a really uncomfortable feeling in my entire body, that resembles a panic attack, and I don't need to feel like that more than I already do.

..Someone as a joke or to be funny calls me something negative. I know you're supposed to know that people are sarcastic, but I'm just not good at knowing when they are and when they're not. The odds of me taking it seriously are to high, so be very clear or just don't do it.

..People corrects my behavior. Instead tell me how you perceive my actions, and I'll correct it if it affects you negatively, cuz I don't want to hurt anyone on purpose. It makes me feel like a child when people corrects my behavior.

..Someone talks bad about something I like. It's fine that you don't share the same opinion, but keep it to yourself if you have something negative to say about it. Especially if it's about my dog, his breed or something like that.


This list has been a draft for a long time now, but I might as well post it along with my bad mood post, since they sort of belong to the same topic ;)

Maria ^^

Surge of madnesss

Something new is happening to me. Today I get overwhelmed by some feeling all of the suden I can't explain. It's not a pleasant feeling. I think it is sort of a panic attack, but it only lasts a few seconds. I can't breathe, my vision gets blurry, my heart stops beating and my thoughts race through my head so fast that i can't even understand them.

Sometimes I wonder if I was even ready to be homebody's girlfriend. I'm quite sure i'm capable, but it just feels weird. I know i'm supposed to be part of a team, but I still feel like it's me against the world. I know I have support, but bcuz I was left so suddenly the last time, I don't feel it is limitless.  I can't say I love somebody unless I know they are there for better or worse. Right now I'm improving myself so fast, and I have even gotten better at some points than I've ever been, but I fear at some point I might feel I need more from people around me. It's like a race against myself and time, and all I can do is sit back and just hope for the best.

I've challenged myself lately. I wasn't sure how I would handle jealousy now. Would I still be able to nonchalant handle it with Jesper's x's.. Well I don't feel threatened, but I'm curious why they even broke up. Looking at pictures of the two only very mildly sets of my jealousy, but instead it makes me sort of mad at Jesper for back then, which then numbs me for a couple of hours where I can't feel that warm feeling I usually have when I think about him.
The only thing holding me back from asking him why they broke up, is bcuz I needed her to be really important to him, in order to justify why he chose her back then.

have to go back to school now..

maybe i'll add more later

too much or not enough?

My mood has been very odd the past three days. I think or rather hope it has something to do with PMS, but I'm worried it might be something else. I've taking quite a few bad hits to my self esteem, and .. well.. even though I get some huge compliments, there is just some people whose opinion count for more than others. This one particular person unknowingly and with no bad intention, said something that has taking me down quite a bit.

I can't seem to figure out how to pass time by myself. It's odd, i preferred it just 3 weeks ago.
Yesterday I was feeling overtired and hormonal, yet I just couldn't relax by myself. I descided to drive to Viborg to buy groceries and some makeup I needed, but I felt the panic attacks comming before i'd even gotten out of the car. I remembered what my shrink had said. I just had to go through it. I'd feel incredible uncomfortable for some time, but if I didn't go through it, I would feel even worse the next. I held my head high and kept a stiff lip. I chaught a glimse of myself in a glass door, and acctually thought it was a person behind me I could see. There was a normal nice looking person in the reflection.
There were some times, while I was in the store that I felt a bit shaky, but when I got out to the car and had taking some deep breaths I felt great for having conquered.
I then got invited out for a burger, and the day just got a whole lot better from there.

I'm falling

I think I'm in trouble. When Jesper and I started talking again I promised myself that I wouldn't give my heart up. It would always have to be mine that I would share from time to time, but never give it up.  I always had the comfort of knowing that no matter what, he wouldn't be able to hurt me as much as the last time.
I'm different, I know how to be single now and I know I can survive without him. For a long time I had an escape plan, but it's starting to fade away. I'm resisting to give it up all together, but I think I might be falling for him. I know that sounds stupid, cuz everyone knows I never unfell, but my heart closed back then. When I had pushed Kim away and Jesper left, I didn't protest, I just laid down on my bed and woke up 1,5 years later.
I feel like my heart is warming up again. I'm having a hard time trusting this, so I cut. I haven't told Jesper yet, bcuz I'm afraid he's gonna think it's because of him or that i'm doubting this thing we got. But it was necessary for the process, so that I might get to the point where I can say I love him again.

Last night I dreamt that I had to give Kim the bad news that his grand mother ha died. I went because I felt I owed him. I found Kim at a party where he was happy and kissing several girls. In my dream I felt happy for him. When he noticed me he came over and told me it was great to see me and that he had missed me, but when I told him the bad news he teared up and turned his anger on me for a while and then disappeared. I started to leave the party when I noticed him walking towards me from behind. I kept walking and then at some point I looked back and he was gone. I got in the car and drove over to Jesper.

It was the weirdest dream. I guess if you look at it symbolically it was my way of moving on subconsciously.

Hello again..

There it is, the first crack in my new found happiness.. My closest friend through the past 2 years, has given up and is back to her old life with drinking, drugs and crime. I can't really figure out how I'm reacting to this. I know how I would have reacted before, but I don't seem to feel the same, and it's confusing me.
I've been in this situation before, but then I always had one foot out the door anyways, so it made it easier. My new beginning rests on the premis that I put almost all fear behind me. I knew there would be casulties on my side, but.. Well I won't let it bother me too much. I have so much going for me right now. I won't try to save her either. She has to learn for herself.
I'm angry... I see her do what I did, and it's hard to see it all again.

Sigh...

^maria

I knew this would happend

For some reason I always feel a little blue whenever I've spent some time with Jesper. I'ts not because of the time spent, but maybe because it's such a nice time that i feel sad when it ends. In my mind nothing is certain, and I don't expect there to be a next time.
It didn't help much that I din't stop myself reliving a painfull memory in my head from back when we partet ways the last time. I blocked so many memories, and this paticular one is one that has been burried very deep. I have to let them play through when they are there, or they will vanish again for an unknown amount of time, though I think I could have done without that one.

I gotta get my mood in a better place soon, cuz I can't stand being around other ppl when i'm like this, and I have to go visit a girlfriend. Luckely I know she'll understand if I wanted to talk about it, but I'd rather not let my mood affect anyone else, not even Jesper.
I sort of wanna cut, but again, I think it's just this idea in my head that it'll help when I know it won't. Besides, don't even got the time. I feel sort of silly for wanting to, cuz there isn't enough of a problem for me to justify it. I also know that it will hurt more than just me.

It's no longer typical for me to have these kind of days. Most of the time I'm actually happy. It's very new for me to be happy, and I didn't recognize it at first. Even when i'm sick as hell, and stressed out from all the homework, I'm still happy. I think Jesper has a lot to do with that, but also because i've finally started my real life. I'm making a lot of new friends and I feel like i'm getting somewhere.

J(not jesper) haven't forgotten you. I always wonder if you still read my blog, when i'm writting these posts. I wonder how you are and if you're still in the us. I'd like to hear from you if you still reads this. *hugs*


^maria

schouldn't/schould

So what now? this is usually the point where i start retreating.. or.. argh why can't i remember?! Feel like it wasn't even me who lived through those relationships before.. Small glimses of what seems to be a morning after with someone unimportnt where i didn't care, are there, but also the shame. This isn't like that. Sometimes i think it would be so much easier to just go back and do what i always did, but a voice in my head tells me I schouldn't.

I've baught razor blades.. I hardly saw myself putting them down in the basket. The urdge is so strong. I don't know why, and I don't feel like figuring it out, cuz then i might not wanna do it. Comming out from the market i sat in the car for a while, stunned. Then i riffled through my bag and found them. I took them out and just sat and drove my finger over the edge. Do i really want to do this? I put them away for now, a voice in my head tells me I schould.

I drove home to my parents as usual, but nobody was home. Maybe I scould have called first, but I don't mind sitting outside waiting for them. If I wanted to I could easily get in through a window. Instead I parked the car and opened up the back. Here i can sit and watch some tv on the computer and drink the cola i brought while the rain softly falls all around the car. It's so peacefull and I can almost fall a sleep here..

Maria

I hate Facebook!!!

(listening to Red - lie to me)


I've tried to go on facebook just to see if my new classmate has written something, but every damn time i end up reading something that ends up ruining my mood. Things that remind me of my past, things that make me feel a little left behind on the bigger scale of things, or worse updates on how my x's new life has turned out. I know everyones life looks a lot better on Facebook than in real life, but come on!?
I'd go back to not using it, if my new friends wasn't so insisting that I'd be on there.

Lately my mom has seemed so small and frail in my eyes. It's and odd feeling. In the past she has always seemed so big and intimidating in my mind. It kind of makes me more over barring with her. Generally we get along really well now. Of course from time to time we have a minor argument, but theres almost a month in-between. It's amazing how far we have come. She's in therapy and i'm good at just ignoring her when she says something she doesn't realize is offensive.
Watching her grow older and older sometimes makes me panic about getting old. Is she even happy? Will I have made something of my life by then, so that i will be happy. Makes my head spin, so better stop thinking about it.

I know a lot of people my age probably prefers being out partying and drinking in the weekends, but I actually like visiting my parents to give them a helping hand and just go around relaxing. Of course some part of me wants to go out drinking and dancing, but only for like and hour or two and then i'd be good ;) Since that's not really possible I enjoy not waking up with a hangover, and fearing to hear about the embarrassing things I did.


Well that's enough for now, I've spent way too much time thinking today, so I need to do something that doesn't require any thought.

`maria

...

I had so much to say today, but for some reason, all the thoughts that has flown through my head all day, seem to have faded.

I started the morning in a bit of a bad mood, but that could just be hormonal or the nightmare I had. It helped to listen to some nickelback in the car. I particular like the song "gotta be somebody". All day i sort felt out of place, and had to make an effort not to let my mood take over. Luckily the people i sat next to are so nice, so I didn't have to sit and secretly be annoyed with anyone.

When i got home, my internet had failed. My next door neighbor from poland, was so sweet to invite me over for coffee, and she told me I could use their internet till i get mine fixed.

Well have to go to bed now.. hoping i'll I have a nice dream to end this day on a more positive note (even as i write that, the bitchy mood i'm in is screaming FUCK positivity and screw cute little ducklings and rainbows) so seriously have to put this day out of it's misery.


`maria

sick

It had to come at some point. The damn flu, hasn't visited me for a very long time by my standards. It was great having Julie over last night even though i felt really bad.
We can just hang out without having to worry about being entertaining or even looking our best. We ended up staying up til 12 watching a movie and talking about random things. Of course i had to get up at six still kinda sick, but I managed to roll out of bed and crawl out to the car.
When i got home I watched 10000 BC to get out of my head for a while. The damn ending always makes me shed a tear, but of course it all ends well.

I then had to rub my self in with various cremes and lotions to make sure my skin follows the weight loss. Standing there almost naked i can't help but look carefully at every part of my body. It's never the same because i lose weight so fast, so i can visibly see every kg (o,5 lbs roughly) that's missing. A half year ago i wouldn't even look in the mirror, but now it fascinates me. It's still not the body i remember, but I don't mind as much. In many ways i feel prettier because i worked hard to get there and i appreciate it more.

I refuse to just lie in bed for the rest of the day, but i might be a bit constricted by my health. Julie want's me to go with her and get her nipple pierced, but other than that i think i'll just watch a lot of movies and see if i can't get my work out done.


`maria