Day four..

So today I've only eaten a water-icecream. I can thank Lars for the motivation he gave me yesterday when we had to arrange for me to get the last things. The short story is, I layd in my bed and stared into the thin air for a couple of hours and then cried myself to sleep. I felt like crap when I woke up, and even though I only had a can soup yesterday, then I hadn't lost any wheight this morning.
I've ordered my tattoo today, so I'm getting my wings next week..
I'm still in a pretty bad mood, but Kim is comming home in a half an hour, so maybe he can chear me up.
I'm so cold all the time. guess it's a side-affect from not eating anything, but so fare I've calculated that if I keep this up till saturday, then I schould be back at 58 kg for my bday. My goal was 57, but I'll faint if I starve any more than now :/

^maria

Strange day..

I had the best day for months today!! My morning started with an sms from Kim and weighing myself. Found out that I've lost 0,5 kg :D
Even though I hardly got any sleep as usual, then I was unbelievably fresh all day. I followed all my classes intense, so I felt good about myself, and somehow I think ppl noticed that I felt confident and happy today cuz all the suttant I was the center of attention. Even all the guys from the mechanics deppartment stared at me really hard when I passed them in the caffeteria. It made me feel good, and on top of that, then I have been really good and not eaten more than 200 cals a day.
I miss Kim really bad though.. I hate this distance thing, and in a way I long for that "normal" day me and Lars had were we came home to each other and basically lived our lives together, but I gotta take it slow, since its still a new relationship.

The only downside to my day has been Seeing lars car at dorthe an him not answaring me when I wrote to hear when I could get my last things from him. Somewhere deep inside it still hurts, but I'm doing a lot better for each day.. It's also helping tramentiously that my mother leaves me alone now.

I hope I can keep this good streek up

^maria

Since last

Sorry I haven't been updating, but pretty much fell into a hole.. At the christmas party I was talking about, I got into a fight with Lars. He started it by pushing one of my friends, and then dorthe interfered and I pushed her, and then lars pushed me so I fell into some steps. a secund later, he was on his back with 5 guards on top of him. I was crushed and shocked since he had just told me how much he still loved me and would wait for me to come back.
I haven't talked to him since.. Prolly for the best since I now got a boyfriend since the 24th december, but I still miss him like hell some nights.
This new relationsship I'm in is going very different from the one with Lars. We haven't really had any problems at all, and he's just so sweet and kind. He's even invited me to Milano with him in may. Still.. I've been close at brakeing it up a lot of times, cuz I've had a hard time letting go of the past, and in a way, then it scares the shit out of me that we haven't had any problems at all, since it was all problems with lars in the beggining. I hardly got to really love lars back then before he hurt me over again and again. I'm afraid to start Loving Kim and then he'll hurt me. It would hit me like a train, so for now I try to protect myself and controle my feelings.

But damn I miss Lars and what we had.. and still, then I know that what I have now is so much better for me, but when have I ever chosen what's best for me??

I was at a club last friday with Kim, my causin and all the other guys. It was really fun, but everytime I get drunk and the other guy I had to chose between is there, I get seriously irritated at kim, even though I beat myself up about it the next day :( I'm so sorry hon..
Anyways, then later in the evening the other guy, Michael, gets into a fight with er perk, and the coward sends his two girls over to anoy michael. He can't do a thing cuz he doesn't hit girls, so I had to do something. To make a long story short, then I ended up in a fight with the two girls, but because I know half the ppl in the club plus the guards, then they got some seriously beating and they get thrown out instead of me :D muahaha
Later then Kim and some of his friends get's into another fight, and the cops come, but because of my innocent look i supose, then Kim and his friends gets off with my help..
It was a fun night, but looking back, then it was also another step on the path where get more and more fucked up.. I don't like the person I am anymore, but I can't change either..
List of things I'm ashamed of:

Drugs
Drink too often
My wheight issues
Addiction to dietpills
Not doing homeworks
Skipping school very often
Cutting
Suicide attempts and thoughts (still)
Was unfaithfull
Stolen
Fighting
Lyeing
Smoking
Hurt others


I need someone to save me :'(

Maria¨