Again a stressed day… The people around me are really keeping me occupied, not to mention myself. I’m not even getting much sleep, and I don’t eat much… It’s starting to show on my skin and in my eyes. But with all this stress I don’t even have time to wonder about my life, so I’ve literally stopped cutting and running myself down. But the more my life gets back to normal, the more I miss Lars. I’m starting to hate that there isn’t more then 7 days in a week, 24 hours in a day and 60 minutes in an hour.

What I ate today:

00:06 a bun
12:00 an apple
18:00 a few French fries

Today at gym, I had to concentrate on covering my old cuts all the time, but I don’t think anyone noticed. I fear how people will react if they saw them, and weather they would tell my mother…
For some reason I’m suddenly really interesting and fun to be around. I don’t know if it’s just me who is finally starting to get my eyes open for the person that I am. It feels like I’ve just woke up from a bad dream, but again, I’m afraid to get to accustom with this bliss. I know from experience that it can suddenly disappear just like that.


Monday 29 marts

This day was a really great day. Everyone was positive and happy, and by everyone I also mean my parents. But it was also a stressed day. I had to go to the dentist, school, work (for 1 hour), hairdresser, badminton, homework and on msn so I could talk a little with Lars.

What I ate today:

06:00 A bun
15:00 An apple

Time is passing away so quickly…

I’m so afraid…

Today I was really depressed… I had no desire to eat or do anything. I only wanted to sleep and lye starring out my window. Me and Lars are back together again, and that makes me happy to think about, but I’m so afraid the same thing as the last time is gonna happen again. Having to commit to him again and this time even closer, puts a lot more at risk, but I wanna trust him. How can I ever find bliss if I wont allow my self to take the chance. I hope that he will understand if I wanna wait until we are past the number of days we were together the last time… cuz only then I’ll dare take the last step.
With this relationship back on, there’s again a hundred new things that I have to consider. I have to think everything carefully trough and I have to take more responsibility for my actions. My parents are happy for me that I’m back together with him, cuz they know that I will have someone
I trust and listen to, to support me in this “disease”. But my mom is a little concerned weather history will repeat itself, cuz she thinks that, that will be the final push towards the edge… I hate myself even more for having to be so careful about this, when all I want to do is let go and give in to it completely.


What I ate today:
1 bun
1 banana
2 cups of low (0,5) fat coco


Saturday 27 marts

This morning was a bit strange… For the first time in this year I was allowed to sleep for as long as I wanted to (normally they just start washing my clothes and vacuum in my room), and when I went downstairs to eat something (around noon) my mom had cooked eggs and warm some coco. Everyone was in a really good mood. I was just sitting there feeling more and more abnormal. I wasn’t in an especially good mood. I had had this dream which was about me and my troubles. I don’t remember it exactly, but I was shivering when I woke up. I wish I knew what it had told me… maybe it was telling me when and how all of this would end.

The rest of the day was going pretty smooth. I watch a movie and my best friend came over around 7 and at 8 we went to the dinner in Hvam. She then gave me my late birthday present, which was a bottle of fisherman (she knew that I had longed so badly to drown my sorrows) When we go there we went into the gas station next to it and said hello to Lars(he works there) Then me and my friend went in and had some French-fries. We shared one plate, but we could only eat half. We come there once a week, not because we are hungry or anything, but because it’s a place where we can talk alone, and it’s a place my parents don’t know about. It was really nice to sit there and talk about anything and anyone.

Lars came over later that evening. We sad and watched a movie and had a beer (in my case a Smirnoff and fisherman) we started talking about something. I can’t exactly remember what, but I do remember that I thought we have so much in common. We can talk about anything nothing is awkward. Without getting in to details, then the bottom line is, that we are back together and he stayed over night. It wasn’t the first time I slept with a guy, but it was the first time I really felt comfortable with it. Not having to think “how will he react when he sees me in the morning” or “my god what if I snore or falls down from the bed.” But nothing like that happened. He held me so there was no way I could fall down. Which actually is the perfect image of how he is gonna have to hold me from falling out the edge... I’m now depending on what he does with my trust.

What I ate today:

For the first time I can’t tell you exactly what I ate this day, cuz I didn’t really gave it much thought, but it wasn’t more then usual.


At last I would like to let you know that even though Lars has made me happy again, then I can’t stop this disease right away, not even if I wonted to for his sake... I’m in to deep…!

I’m so mad at my mother…yeah she’s back :( She has hardly walked in the door before we start arguing. She has hid my razors so I can’t shave my legs (or cut) She is telling me she’ll only give me one at a time, and that she wants it back afterwards… I hate being treated like that. I’m not a child!

I’ve asked her if I could hold a party next weekend, but she’ll only let me hold a small one! I hate her! But I know a couple of ways to let her give me permission ;) I can just say that if I can’t hold this party, then I’ll get really miserable, and get depressed again. I know it’s cruel, but I don’t give a damn anymore.

Lars has promised me to come over Sunday evening for a movie night and a beer. He couldn’t come today cuz he was going to a party elsewhere (funny how I’m suddenly depressed), but I’m really glad that we are becoming such good friends again, and now that he knows who I really am then I can relax around him and stop holding back. I hope he doesn’t cancel on me cuz that would be to hard on me…

My best friend Christina is coming over this evening; she called earlier and asked what I wanted as my present (she couldn’t afford one when it was my birthday) I think she is giving me some liqueur.

Otherwise this is gonna be a really slow weekend…
I’m still trying to lose weight, but it’s hard cuz I’m getting tempted everywhere

What I ate today:
12:00 A sandwich
16:00 3 toast with lever pâté
18:00 a salad and some pasta

I promise to write again tomorrow :)

Tuesday 25 march

Today I really freaked out. I was afraid of my wait loss and started eating a lot
What I ate today:

6:00 a bowl of serials
12:00 a sandwich
15:00 3 cream puff (flødeboller) cuz my boss held a competition between my and my colleague
18:00 3 pancakes with ice cream

After that I freaked out again. Disgusted by myself I started running. I ran even though my legs were acing as hell. I ran until My lungs gave in and it hurt so much that I couldn’t stand so I fell down and stared at the stars while I was trying to control my breathe.

Later I talked to Lars on msn; he really made me feel better. For some reason he can always make me in a good mood.

I would also like to thank these friends who are there for me when I need them :)

Michael (cuz he is the only one in my family who knows how it feels like, and can handle the truth)
Lars (cuz he can always make me feel better, and he doesn’t judge me)
Ambivalence (cuz he doesn’t make me feel like I’m the only one like me)
And all those who doesn’t know, but are good to me so that my life is a little easier

Man! My life can really change 180° over one night. Last night I was talking to my x on msn. For some reason I was suddenly feeling really happy and he made me laugh. Sometimes I haven’t done in a long time. Lars, you don’t know how much you mean to me…
And even though I only had 4 hours of sleep, I slept better than ever.

Another thing that is making me get in to a good mood today, is that my mom is taking a curse for two days. Now I won’t have to eat dinner :D

Otherwise there isn’t so much to say. I’m in a good mood, but I know it’s gonna go down hill again pretty soon. I’m just not good at being happy, so it’s really strange how Lars make me laugh.

What I ate today:

6:00 a bowl of serials (I was in a good mood cuz I slept so well)
12:00 an apple
16:00 4 wine gums (Henrik, my colleague was being generous, so I couldn’t refuse)

But that is all I’m gonna eat today…

Yay!! iv'e lost 1,1 kg :D
my weight is now 64.2 kg
I'm gonna keep losing weight yeapy!!!!

Hi again

Yesterday I made my 7 and 8th cut while I was showering. It was the only thing that seemed sensible to me. I had no other options… every one had deserted me, and the one’s who were there..? I didn’t want to disturb them. I made the cuts on my upper arm, so my parent wouldn’t see. I just have to remember that I can’t wear shirts with short sleeves now ;)
This whole thing may sound weird or repulsing to you, but to me the cuts are pretty. They are a relief to my burden. (Hard for others to understand)

Other then that, this day has really been strange. It was a combination of good and bad things…

Weight: 65,3

I started my morning by waking up to late (my damn alarm clock is so unreliable) Not that I care if I’ll make It to school in time, we were having gym. My first thought when I found out, was that I couldn’t show them my cut’s, so I started to fake a message from my parents, that I wasn’t feeling so great. But I was in such a hurry, so it didn’t get convincing enough. When I got to gym a friend (surprisingly) helped me fake the note. I’d never saw that coming. Anyway my teacher believed it, and I was off the hook, thank god (or not, I’m not christen)

Oh! And I bought a new scale today. It’s really accurate, so now I can monitor my weight. I want to lose 6,2 kg before the big party, in the Easter vacation (which is in 16 days!) .
I think I’m gonna have to keep a schedule, to stay on the path. The only problem is that my mom is starting to suspect me for starving myself, and that doesn’t help our situation at all. She is now checking and demanding that I eat and stay at the table till everyone is done (we have never had that rule before)
o0( I can’t wait till I’ll start loosing weight)
I envy everyone who is thinner than me, and that is a lot of ppl…

Here What I ate today:
10:00 An apple
18:00 A handful rice (I’m finally starting to get it under control… :)
I chewed gum all day and that took my bad breathe, cuz you get that from not eating.

Later…

I was forced to eat dinner, but managed to get away with only eating handful rice. Again, I hat to sit there and wait till they were done eating (and they took their time). God! I hate those dinners cuz my mom “mentioned” my cuts again, and my dad threatened me with foster parents again (see! I told you he was faking, when he said I never would be sent away). I hate them more then ever now… So as soon as I could I went up to my room and blared my music

My mom came up to my room a few minutes later (off course) and we got into a fight with each other. I confronted her with the fact that I felt like they only wanted to get rid of me. She told me that they would only do that if they felt it was for my own good (why don’t I believe them?). I got really pissed at her and yelled a lot of things (she did to) but what I was basically yelling at her, was that I didn’t want to tell them anything about me or give them my confidence, cuz I always felt they were judging me, hating me even more. To them I’m just some repulsing mistake, which never should have been born.
Her last comment as she was leaving me room in anger with me (still) yelling after her was: “Thank you for the confidence” (meant sarcastic of course)


Where is all of this gonna end?

When is this nightmare over?

Monday 22 march, 2004

When I got up this morning I wasn’t too happy about having to go downstairs and face my parents, so I took my time in the bathroom. I hate the mornings. Here I think everything through that happened yesterday, and I also regret the mistakes. I wish I could stop thinking so much, but I can’t.
I went downstairs and took the smallest bowl I could find and ate some serials. I was still determent to starve my self today, so I didn’t eat too much. My mom was watching me from her place besides me. I knew she was gonna say something about my cuts, and she did! She asked me what all my classmates say to them… (She only thinks about what other thinks about it, not why I have them) But no one from my class knows…
My cuts were hurting real bad this morning, maybe it was because of the cold.

“Cold inside as well as outside”

In school everything was the same. Nothing had changed. Everyone was disgustingly happy. I just sad there and pretended to be the person everyone thinks I am. I’m so good at this pretending that they’ll never know the real me.
Watching them from inside this happy girl at their age, I realized how childish and naive they are. I sometimes fell much older then them.

As usual on a Monday, two of my friends and I were going out for dinner after school. On the bus over there I was suddenly in another place. I couldn’t understand what my two friends were saying. And the world around me disappeared. I liked it. I didn’t want to leave this place so I just smiled and nodded to my friends when ever they seemed to look at me. Why this happened? I don’t know… But I was free for a short moment.

When we got to the restaurant, I didn’t want to eat anything, but the smell of fried chips tempted me (and I ate half of my chips!!) I hate myself now… So I promised myself that I would work extra hard at badminton.
Luckily I managed to escape dinner :) But I’ve got to buy a new scale, one that is accurate.

What I ate today:

1 small bowl of serial
½ portion of fried chips
1 sandwich

I’ll probably run just as much tonight if my legs aren’t to weak. Otherwise I think I know what else there is to do… ;)

Sunday 21 march, 2004

This has been a really shitty day just keep reading why

Last night (2:00) I flipped out (I started to eat uncontrollably to comfort my self). I ate a piece of chicken from dinner, a banana, 3 toffees, a half back of jellybeans and finally one bag of microwave popcorn. (I discuss my self) When will this madness stop?!

After breakfast (they forced me to eat) my dad told me (sarcastic I think) that I was getting to skinny. My mom laughed at me and said I was getting to fat. All of this made wanna starve myself even more, but when do I get the strength?

I’m thinking of redecorating my room, cuz I’m spending more and more time in here. It’s my private cave. So every time my mom just walks in it feels like she is invading my life with force. Redecorating it may make the invaded space feel like mine again.

I wanted to go out and run, run until I didn’t have any more food in my stomach or I collapse. I ended up just jumping on my trampoline, hating myself for not having the will power.

Later on today all the sudden my father comes whit 4 pots and a pan, telling me that my grandmother is giving me them, so that I’ll have them when I move away(this only strengthen my suspicion that they wont me out of the house)

Last night (2:00) I had an eating flip. I ate a piece of chicken from dinner, a banana, 3 toffees, a half back of jellybeans and finally one bag of microwave popcorn. (I discuss my self)

Shit! My mom saw my cuts. She has been questioning me for the last half hour. She thinks I’m doing it because I want to punish them. (Now I’m gonna stop eating so that she may start realizing what’s wrong. Cuz I can’t tell here she won’t understand that it’s her) She even suggested that I’ve would go into foster care..! I always suspected that she wanted to get rid of me, but now I know.
But then my dad came, (and of course demanded to see the cuts) and he told me that he almost started to cry (and he never cries) He stood by me, he even threw my mother out when she came in again (that meant a lot to me, but it feels fake) I know my mom is gonna keep asking me what my problem is… And I’m gonna keep refusing to tell her because I wont to protect her from the truth; witch is that it’s her fault and I don’t love her anymore

What I ate today:

8:30 for breakfast I ate a small bowl of serials.
12:00 I ate a home baked bun with a thin layer of butter (I got to stop eating!)
15:00 I had plum pie (my favourite) I’m starting to believe that my parents are doing this on purpose


This night I ran until my lungs gave in. I collapsed on the ground trying to catch my breath. I stared at the stars, and it hit me; There are so many of them, who is gonna take their time to learn their true nature and how on earth can you tell witch stars is witch?!
It’s the same thing with us – humans

When I got back to my room I started doing sit-ups until my stomach cramped, but I didn’t feel empty. Tomorrow, tomorrow I’m gonna starve my self

This is my first page in my new “diary”. I was inspired by a new friend of mine, who I met on Excasco. Excasco is a Forum for ppl who don’t want to live or have huge problems, like me…

Last night I had the weirdest dream. I dreamt I was going to Mallorca on holyday and I wanted my two best friends with me, but they didn’t want to come along, cuz they think it would be funny enough. So I had to chase them in a kinda future space station or something.
And I’m the kinda person who believes that dreams mean something, and I translated this dream to this: Mallorca is an symbol for something I look forward to, something good in my life (and believe me there isn’t much of that) but my friends didn’t have the same point of view (cuz I’m a lot different from them) But I really want them to see me as me (that’s what the chasing means) The future space station thing, means that I’m in a place that’s alien to me. Their world!

My thought:
It’s sometimes funny how dreams can tell you something you don’t want to admit to your self.

Today I also started starving myself again. But it’s hard to get started after a week of normal eating. But here is what I ate the entire day:
I started by eating a mint pastel (cuz my throat aces)
Then around 12 o’ clock I drank 2 cups of low fat water coco (cu my throat still aced)
Then I started to run a little,but it was raining and freezing outside, so I had to quit after 2 km (not very long)
And then my (stupid) parents made my favourite meal (chicken) and I couldn’t resist, but I only had a small portion. Now I just feel like I’ve let myself down again…
Why can’t I do anything right?!
I can’t throw it up again. Sticking two fingers in my throat don’t help. Why I don’t know, but it’s ignoring. I hate my body!

Today I was also feeling really dizzy. I think it was the overdose of pills I took last Wednesday. The affect does first really kick in 3 days later. I was so dizzy I could hardly stand and my eyes was blacking out all the time, so I lay down and slept for 6 hours. A waste of time if you ask me.. but then again I can’t really find anything else to spend my time on.
Why I even bother living is a mystery to me…

My mood today:
I have been in a bad mood all day. Snaring at every one. Drawing my self away from the rest of this sick world.
And I finally told my mom that I don’t want her so called “help” in this. And I don’t want to give her my confidence. Now she is officially a stranger to me. But it is probably also best this way, she is the biggest reason why I’m feeling like this. She is always putting me down and she has never loved me so… why bother?
I know now that my life is going down road again after the few days in my life that Lars (my now x boyfriend) made better. I know now that I’m probably not gonna live through this…!

Before it gets to boring, I’m gonna finish this page in my life by telling you that I’m only gonna spend the rest of the evening by watching TV.

20 march, Saturday 2004

About me

First you need to hear a little about the girl who is sitting here, writing this, sharing here life.
My name is Maria. And I’m today 16 years old I live in Denmark, a small (boring) country. I live in a… well huge house with my parents and little brother. About a year ago I started having suicide thoughts. But my depression started 2 years ago. It’s still a mystery today what caused it, but I suspect it to be my mothers fault. If you wanna know it more detailed, just keep reading. If you don’t, just skip the following and start reading the next section. Here goes:

When I think back today, I now realize that my parents (mainly my mother) never loved me. The only thing I can remember from my early childhood is rules and material “love”. My parents have always given me huge presents. I now know that it is out of guilt, a replacement to real love. I can’t recall ones that my mother has ever kissed me or hugged me, and she has never told me she loves me. It has always been my father who came and said goodnight to me.
I had this friend, when I was about 8-10 years old; I used to love sleeping over at her house. Her parents were always saying things like “I love you, honey, sweetheart and beautiful” to each other, even to me! Then (both) her parents, would come and say goodnight to us both and kiss us. That felt really strange to me, but I liked it. That family will always be the perfect reflection of a family in my head. Until I saw that home I didn’t know why I felt so unwanted in this world, but now I know. That girl doesn’t know how lucky she is.
If it wasn’t bad enough to never feel loved, my mother also gave my unreasonable demands. She was always comparing me with her, and her perfect life. I was constantly being told how high grades she had, and how skinny she was. Everything was perfect in her life. She even met my father when she was 15! You may not think it sounds so bad hearing about your parents past, but she told me indirectly that she expects me to be the same. Every time I get a grade for something like 10 (B+) she always told me how she would get 11 or 13 (A, A+). It always caused a huge pressure (that’s why I hate competitions) on me. I always felt like I was competing with her. She did all this with my weight (I was born extremely thin), height, friends, boyfriends, and my look, just everything…
When I fell and needed her comfort, she just rejected me and told me, that I was being a sissy. And when people, I knew, died, she wouldn’t even comfort me; she would just have a stone face and let me know that showing emotion is a weakness. That’s probably why I today can seem a little cold and cynical. When my grandfather died (2001), I was the only one who didn’t cry at his funeral. My feelings were too complicated. I didn’t want to cry, because my mother would see, but I cried inside. That whole incident broke something in me. It made me conceal all my emotions inside, and it made me push people away from me, especially my mother. Living in this huge house makes it easy for me to avoid my parents. I would just bee in my room whenever I was home.
A lot of things, that a normal teen would need her parents comfort at, happened the next couple of years. I started in a new school where I had to make new friends. It was also starting to be the time where my grades were important to my future. My body was starting to change and I gained weight because of the shapes I was getting. Then after 6 months in my new school (I was already friends with everyone) one of my (now) friends (who had lost her parents, big brother and his girlfriend in a car accident) started to have suicide thoughts and began cutting herself, and if that wasn’t enough she was beginning to get bulimia. She was the most popular girl in my class. Everyone looked up to her and would do anything for her, except me (I’m not like most people who is faking to bee nice just because someone is popular) Well this girl got sick off all the fake people around her, and strangely enough she started sharing all her thoughts with me. We became very good friends cuz I found out that she wasn’t like the girl everyone gave me the impression of, she was real, not fake like everyone else. She latter on had a pill addiction and was taking up till 10 pain killers a day! One day she just had enough of life and decided to end it all with an OD of pills. The only problem was that her ant (who she lived with) had thrown out all her pills, and she wasn’t old enough to buy more than 10 (a law we have in Denmark) but I was! At this point I didn’t know about the pill addiction, so I went with her to the pharmacy and bought a bottle with 100 pills.
My teacher the next day announced that she was committed to a psychiatric hospital, and I now realized for what!
This really made me sad and depressed, cuz I should have known.
2 months later another friend of mine gets committed the same place, only this time it’s because of anorexia.
All these events made me extremely blue and depressed. I couldn’t even enjoy Christmas. And again when I needed my parents the most, they weren’t there.
Over the 2 years this whole thing has lasted I’ve felt like I was more mature then anyone else, making all my friends seem so childish. Their worries seemed so unimportant compared to mine. Their biggest worries would be weather they had a sit or if this boy liked them and so on.
I had no one to talk to, no one who would understand me. All these bottle up feelings made me very frustrated and depressed. But no one could see it on me, cuz I was pretty (at least that is what every one says) and I got good grades (not coming from my mother) and I didn’t have any enemies.
Then finally the pressure of it all got too much for me, and I broke down. I skipped school to be at home holding a knife to my wrist, fighting for my life. One night it got to much and I took the nearest knife (a blunt hobby knife) and placed it on my wrist, where a visible vain was, and I cut. Because the knife was blunt I had to press really hard and several time on the same place. It was painful but I enjoyed the thought of daring life. I watched the blood for a while and held my arm like a mother holds her newborn child (cuz now my pain was born, it became visible for the first time) I no longer had to keep it inside. But you have to understand that this wasn’t a cut to feel the pain, it was a suicide attempt, but the knife was to blunt, so I had to give up.
I thought about cutting myself a lot the days after, but I didn’t I had found an alternative. I began to write.
Since then I have tried to cut my wrist again, but my causing walked in on me, and I’ve tried taking an OD of pills. And just 5 days ago I tried cutting my wrists again, but I stopped because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to end I yet. I don’t know if all this makes me an SI, but I am suicidal and if you want to following me battle for life just keep reading my Blog