Okey here goes

I've been thinking a lot these past...well...24 hours, and I've come to this conclusion:

I'm sourrounded by brilliant ppl. I have 4 really great friends. They are always there for me to make me happy and keep me standing up. They love me no matter how screwed up I am and no matter how cranky and rejectable I can seem. I think that the only reason I have survived so fare is bcuz of them.
I oow them so much and I'll do what ever I canto help them when I'm strong enough. Friends are the ppl you can relie on no matter what. They will never leave you and the love for them will never fade away.

I can live without a bfriend nad parents, but not without my precious friends.

Love you forever

*hugs*

~maria

darn it

I feel so miserable I binged, but I couldn't throwit up again. I failed myself. I tryed thinking about what could happen if i didn't. I looked in the mirror and tryed to see if the food had already taken it's place on my body...

I'm sitting here and waiting

First I want to appologise to those who have noticed that I've been alittle distant lately. I just can't seem to fokuse. I know that if I stretch it to fare then you'll get sick of me and leave me be, but please know that, that isn't what i want.

I'm just sitting here waiting to get the last message from lars before he flyes of to ibiza...
I talked to my boss today, and he said that since I meet lars I have changed a lot. He was the one who introduced us so I talk to him about lars, but now he says that he wish he didn't. I have changed so much from the girl I used to be. I'm unfokused and I drink a lot more and party a lot more. I forget my things and promises to ppl. He even says some of the regular costumers has been making hints to him that they can feel it too. He says I'm no longer as dedicated to my job and to making a good job.
It was hard hearing this since he is like a father to me, but I know it's the truth. Lars has changed me a lot but not only him. All my issues has grown and I can no longer hide them as well from the world around me.

What can I do?!

Besiedes that then I'm really popular. I get 100 messeges a day from ppl that want's to hang out with me or just want to hear what I'm doing.
I no it is all fake wanna-bees. It's the popular group and the persons that are most arrogant. I said yes to em all so I would have something to make this week pass faster...
stupid i know, cuz I get depressed from pretending for too long. I forget who i am and get fustrated that I can't just be me!

~maria

YAY! and not so good

Somehow me and lars got to talk again yesterday. I guess the luring sex part helped a lot. I just have to face it... men will do a lot for it!

First I tryed testing him and see what he would do if I offered a one night stand. At first it seemed as if he was up for it (wich is not good, cuz that would meen he only want me for that) But then he started asking if that wouldn't cause any confused feelings. I wrote back as if It wouldn't change my feelings, but that I also wanted it happen and no ties afterwards. I was so surpriced when I got the message that he didn't want to cuz he was looking for a girlfriend. He did the right thing! :)

We then came to the descision that we were gonna have a date when he get's home from ibiza (he is leaving today :( )

I'm not so happy about it, but if he's together with some girl down there and it dosn't mean anything afterwards, then I really don't have so much against that, but I'm just afraid that It will change things... What am I saying?! ofcourse it means something if he is with some girl, cuz that would mean he isn't true in some weird twisted way. Even though we arent together, then it's like we have this agreement not to move on before we are both set free from each other...

I haven't set him free till I'm with some other boy cuz he was the one who broke of. But now that we have both agreed to try starting things up again when he comes back, then neither of us can set each other free untill we have had that date.

...But then again, he can taire himself free by being together with some girl on ibiza

...on the other hand, then I know him well enough to know he's not the type that does something like that, and I trust him... lets just see what happends

It's gonna be a long 7 days. he is first home at noone wednesday :( meanwhile I have to find something to do besiedes working to get my mind of things. If you think too much about what could happen, then you start having these creapy illusions. I've tryed that a little too much with him, and it can really ruin things in a second!

There is though some part of me that isn't sure if it's smart getting back together with him, since I will end up getting hurt. I'm only drawing the enevedable out... I know for a fact that he isn't gonna be the one I'm gonna spend my life with, so It's gotta come at some point. I'm almost past the painfull part of our brake-up and getting involved again could only make it worse. But I like him so much so I'm willing to take the risk and take the pain once more. Who knowes, maybe I'll be strong enough to take it then :)
I have to be at least possitive.

~maria~

I was really down earlyer today. I guess it was bcuz My rents where after me again. I felt the whole emptyness from not knowing where to go from now. I'm single havbe no parents and I have no dreams. I have to find something to replace all these gaps now...

It's a risky chance to take and I know from experience that I'll chose the wrong one. I have tendensy to chose the old and safe like lars, and my parents, but sometimes that isn't the best choice. I have to try and move on. try fighting my way out of this. otherwise I might as well give it all up.

goodnight

*hugs*

I'm back home

The trip made me grow a bit. I had lots of time to think over things and get everything on a distance. I didn't throw up on the trip cuz I couldn't get enough time and after I tryed there came a little blod up so I had to stop.

Thuesday I had descided to go get a piercing in my belly. I went to a salon in town and got an appoitment. I wasn't really nervous cuz Im' used to the pain. I was not even a bit worried about that my mum would throw me out if she found out. I hate her - fuck her. Shes not the boss of me! my body my rules right ? :)

I was so close to hitting my mum on the trip after she started talking about my cutting infront of my littlebrother almost everyday. Both my rents make me sick just looking at them. I have no feelings for them - well only hate...
I think I'm gonna stop calling them mum and dad and start adressing them by their first name.

Now that I'm home again I'm gonna party and try finding a replacement for lars, cuz I need someone there to keep me strong now that I'm pretty much on my own...

I'll write back later

I did it!

I sucseeded in purdging yesterday. First I binged then I took a toothbrush and went to the toilet and tryed making myself throw up. After 3 failed tryes I finally did it. Afterwards I felt great and I can now throw up if I want to.

This is my last post before I leave - I promis ;)

Today I tryed starving myself after I had watched a movie about bulimia. I thought to myself how the hell does she do it?! how can she throw the food up so easaly. I wish I could do it, well I'll just have to work on it. The movie gave me some pretty good tips. MY starving promis ended up in me binging once at work while my boss was out of the store. I went to the toilet and tryed to stick two fingers in my throath, but it only resoulted in my caufing and my eyes running in water. I was close, but then my bos came back and I had to stop.
I wanna be thin and lose 6 kg or more if it's possible.

I know that I promis a lot of things, but you don't know how hard it is to keep those promises when you can't even keep the once you make with youre self...

I've packed my bags now and I'm ready to go... I wanna go now. I think it could be good for me to get it all in a distance and try seing different sides of the world. Maybe I'll find what I need out there. Maybe I'll bring back hope and joy - who knows...?

I'll come back changed any way - just a little bit older and hopefully wiser ;)

This is my last day...

On saturday I'll go to mallorca wiht my family. I'm so scared of what may happen. I sleep all day and I feel week cuz the day where I have to leave you all is nearing so fast. Once I'm there I'll have no one to help me when I'm weak. I know that I'm so posed too look forward to go to a southern contry, but I fear how life will change while I'm gone. Will you remember me?
If I don't soon get an answar from LArs about where we stand, then I know he is gonna forget me while I'm gone...
My mum wants me to pack tonight, but I can't get myself to do it. It will be the same as saying that now it's over, now I'm leaving you all for a week.
The most important thing I can pack now is my razor blade, pills and my music so I can shut my mums voice out of my head. I hate her!

While I'm down there I'll get as much sun as possible and I'll hopefully lose a little weight.
Tomorrow I'll only have the morning before I have to go to work and after work I have to go to a little party with somefriends to get me drunk before I leave.

I'm gonna miss you all so much to talk to... hope I can get to the computer again before I finally leave for the airport.

If not... Then I want you all to know that I'm gonna try surviving spending a week with my rents wihtout any ways to avoid them!

goodbye...

Is there no one?!

Yesterday I asked my father for help against my mum. I almost got down on my knees and begged for him to see things my way and agree that she is not treating my right, but instead of his understanding and comford, he just said that it was mine and my mum's battle...!

He wont help me! He is too loyal towords my mum to help his own daugther who needs his help more than ever.

Well that was it. I can just as well give up and stop fighting. From now on my mum can do with me what ever she wants. I'll dissapear and bcome an empty shell to the world...

another thing is - I've descided to write a message to lars that goes like this:
is it just me who misses us like we were? I know something happened that schouldn't happen, but this is too hard! I kepp feeling like we gave up to easy...

There is no one can say that I'm not fighting for our relationship. It's the only thing now that still has a small hope, now that I'm no longer is alive at home.

I'm sorry...

I don't really feel like writting today... feel like an outcast and so alone...

I'm sorry I'll try to get past this, but the night is long and cold and I have bad dreams all the time now...

Lost without you...

I've been writting sms'es with LArs now. I can read between the lines that he is angry cuz it ended. I really think he liked me and thought that it was gonna last a long time. If i'm lucky and play my cards right, then he'll forgive me and we can be friends again.

an hour before this:
I went to his work to get some movies that I had left at his house. When I got there he wasn't working alone. I didn't really think I could start talking about our shit in front of the other person.
When I went to the counter he just asked me what I wanted!
I said my movies in a low voice. He nodded and said that he was sorry but he had forgotten them. I chooked my head and went to the fridge to get an Ice tea. When I wanted to pay for it he just treated me like an annonomes customer. I could feel the cold tensetions among us, but maybe he just acted like this, bcuz he still felt hurted and bcuz the other person was there.
When I got home he wrote that he was sorry he forgot and if he schould bring it by my boss tomorrow.

I can sence in his words that he didn't wanted this to end yet, but he ofcourse was too hurt to stay with me...

I'm truly sorry Lars and I really wish that some of you're pain would go into me when I cut

My dad came to my room, I guess after orders from my mom. He asked me some ordinary questions, as if nothing had happened. I could feel the cold silence and all his questions floating around in the air. He normally dosn't come to my room like that. All the sudden called my mom that dinner was ready. I could hear how relieafted my father was. He clearly didn't want to bring the subject up.
When we came downstairs my dad asked me if I didn't feel varm with all that clothes on. Before I could answar him, replaied my mum that it was bcuz I had to cover my wrists.
I hate her so deeply now. When I listen to how she talks to everyone, and see how mean she is, I get a huge urdge to hit her or start shouting that all of this is her fault!
She reminds me of a cruel teenage girl, who talk behind others back and constantly reminds them of THEIR mistakes and errors. Nothing is good enough for her. I'm so ashamed of her sometimes. My gratest fear is that I one day will become like her

today I feel the pain...

It feels as if a big part of me is missing. The pain I so desperatly craved for has finally come. Everytime I think of him, my mom or my life a huge pain strikes up my chest. My mom saw my cuts last night when she came to my room to check on me. She has been questioning me all morning. She yells at me all the time. She wont leave me alone. She threathens me with sending me away to a psyciatrical hospital or a foster family. She demands to hear why I do it. In her eyes it's a disease that needs a cure. SHe said that I'm mentaly ill for doing something like that. Why wont she understand that I wont talk to her?!

She says she is getting me a doctors appoitment next week. I don't really care, she can do what ever she wants. I'm not talking to anyone I don't want to.

I feel so helpless and alone now. Even though there is so many there for me, then they can't help me here at home. I want out!

Today I cut, so tomorrow I shall do it again...

Lars broke up with me today. I don't want to get into details since they are not important. What's important is that he now proved to me that his affection was fake. Like everything around me, ever since I was born, he was fake. My world collapsed. My last hope in the human race is now gone. I don't believe in love anymore. NO man can ever care enough for me, with a sutch unselfish passion, that he can save me from my destany. I have I way with hurting myself before hurting the once I love. I guess I'm too weak that way, and it's gonna be my doom someday.

I'm so tirate of being play around like that. Life is though on me, but wheater it's just a random coinsidence or ment to be, I don't know. I just know that I'm sick of it all. I hate having to wait around another day, hoping for something to come by that might awake my passion in life again. I can still laft, but how long till that thing is gone? How long till I'm dead inside? I'd rather die then let that happen!

Strangely it is as if I allready did died that evening he left out of my life. I didn't feel the same old sorrow as I've felt before with him. I knew this was comming. I had already cut before he left. I was already dead inside...
there is almost nothing left but an empty shell.

Funny thing wiht us suiciders. We are typically the most stunning and beautiful creatures to others. We facinate others and sometimes draw them down to hell wiht us. I don't want to do that to any of my loved ones. I want them in a safe distance from me, so don't be mad if I push you away. I just don't want others to be hurt and see he world with my eyes. Cuz once you're there then there is no going back..

The day after tomorrow...

Lars hasn't answered my SMS and he hasn't written anything to me all day. I knew he was gonna be busy today, but when I got up I could see that he had log on to the internet before he left home, so he must have read the mail.

I'll post the letter so you can see what I'm so concerned by:

I’m sending this to you the day before you get you’re hat on. It took me about 2 hours to write this, and I’m now putting the final touches to it at 2 o’ clock.
There is so much I want you to know. I know this sounds odd, especially since we have only known each other for 4 months (since 2 march to be exact) and we’ve been a couple for 1 month here on Friday.
I just want you to know that you’re really special, we are so alike. You make me smile when no one else can. You make my heart beat faster when I look at you.
I love lying next to you when you sleep. You always keep me so close into you, and smile when I kiss you in your sleep. I listen to you’re breath for hours before I fall asleep. Even though I normally sleep a long time like you, then I can’t when you’re there next to me, cuz I’m anxious to wake up and spend time with you.
Now I feel like you’re slipping away from me. I’ve tried this 3 times before with you, so I should have the practice, but this time it hurts more than ever. I just want you to know this, before it’s too late… I would have preferred to tell you this when I was lying in you’re arms, but I don’t know if that situation ever comes again…
I know I’m not anything like your xs’es and that you prolly don’t like me just as much as any of them. I often wonder how I ever can live up to them. I’m weird and have a hard past. This is all something that comes with me. Something that you have to live with, but with you it’s like all my worries goes away. I stopped cutting and found a will to live again. I’m not saying that I’ll kill myself if you leave me, but I’ll miss a big support in my life.
You have really changed me in so many ways.
I thought I knew all there was to know about living, but I was wrong!
You accepted me the way I was, but I wanted to change and look the best for you. I didn’t feel good enough, standing there next to you, when you introduced me to everyone. You deserve a supermodel, which can spend every second with you.
I just want you to know that I don’t want to loose you yet, I’m not ready, and if you have to leave me… please make me hate you first, so it won’t hurt so much this time…
You should know by now that I hate these kind of soft letters. I always saw people that wrote them, as being soft cowards who didn’t have the guts to tell it face to face, but here I am writing one of my own.
There is nothing more woundable, then doing something like this, but I feel like it’s the only way I’ll ever get these things said to you. I’m so scared of what you’re reaction might be. I can imagine that at first you’ll be kinda chocked and can’t really believe that it is me writing something like this.
He he I wish I could see your face as you reed it, but then again I would be too scared… The rest is up to you, but I hope we stay together…


Maria


Btw don’t ask why I wrote this in English ;o)

BTW then I finally got a poem done that I wrote specially for Lars, and he saw it yesterday, but don't think he understands it. here it is:

Like bubbles in a full Champagne glass,
Rushes the feeling up through my veins
Brings life to every fiber of my body

My hand caresses the thorns,
With a graceful move.
White and red joins in a game of life and death

A pearl reflects the sun, the moon and the stars
You’re words, the music and the scent,
Lingers in my heart, creating a hole

The look in the fading rose,
Wanting to make the world understand
And fade out into the cold nothing

But kept warm by you...

I think that LArs is gonna brake up again.
These last couple of days has been very stressing for both of us. Me thinking I was pregnant (I know I'm not now) and him getting his final examns ready. We just haven't had the time to be together. Now I know that he has been thinking about us, and it really sounds like the times when he wanted to brake up.

I'm so depressed so I cut my wrist. This time it got so deep that I hit a small vain and it bleed for a long time and it bled a lot!
When it had seemed to stop, it put a bandage around it and wrote a letter to lars, that I wnat him to read before he brakes up. It's a kinda risky letter that tells him all the things I was so afraid to say, but if I'm gonna loose him I might as well take the chance...

I'll tell you if I collect enough guts and actually e-mail it to him... until then goodbye everyone

Showing my true self

Today when I got home, my mum and ad really pissed me off. Both of them where giving me unreasonable demands, so I got mad and yelled with the top of my lungs (and I don't have a weak voice) I sweared and yelled all kinds of names at them. My dad wanted me to mouve the lawn (take 1½ hour) and my mum wanted me to vacume downstairs. I had just got home from work, so I really needed to sit down and relax. Aperantly, my rents didn't see it that way. I ended up vacuming, while still yelling at them, and finally went outside to get the lawnmouver. I kept driving my mood up. Finally I couldn't keep it in anymore. All my supressed anger came to the surface. All the anger I have against Lars, my friends, my rents, my boss, my teachers and my self, got me to kick things around throwing my dad's stuff on the hard sement floor. I broke a couple of his things, but nothing I couldn't repair afterwards, so he dosn't know.

I really felt good afterwards. I guess I needed this outburst and the relieave my self.
This whole anger thing is not new to me. I've tryed this a couple of times before. It has just not been this big in a couple of years. I really got tempor ;P

Over and out!

I'm miserable and I wanna cut. Nothing make cense, cuz suddenly there's a lot of ppl that wants to hang out with me. All the sudden I'm popular, without I've done anything paticular.
If I don't soon get rid of this pain and fear that still rest in every fiber of my body, then I'll cut.
I can't live with it, feeling my hart beat faster when I get scared. Not having anyone to hold and feel the comforting touch of. I know Lars is supposed to do this, but he feels so distant - The world feels distant...

Don't be mad at me if I brake down, don't be mad if I loose control and gives in to the urdge.

I'm merely a girl, who has gone through too much shit, so even though you don't understand my choice, then trust my judgment to make the right choices for both me and my loved ones.

*hugs*

I'm so afraid now

My period is late almost by two weeks. I feel like I have to trhough up sometimes and my breast are sore. Besiedes then I'm more moody than ever. Yeah you have prolly guessed it... I'm afraid that I'm pregnant. Even though we have never really done it without protection then there has been a couple of times where it could have gone wrong. My mom is even asking me if i'm not really late. normally there only goes 21 days between a period, but I'm over 31 now...!

I haven't really told Lars, but he knows that I'm late and I've told him about the nausia, but he hasn't really been asking into it. I don't know how much more I can stand waiting. I feel like I'm waiting for my own doom. The more time that passes the worse. I need someone to talk to about this, but who?
there is not a lot of persons that I can talk to about this. surtanly not my rents!

I'm scared :´(

And she is back…!

I hate my mom at the moment (as usual) This time it’s cuz she keeps trying to make me feel really guilty. She has caught me lying twice today. I’m losing my touch on lying. Maybe cuz I’m so distracted by other things at the moment. Even though it’s small things I lied about, then she called me three times while I was with Lars. I hadn’t told Lars the second reason, cuz it was kinda bcuz of him I lied, and I don’t want him to fell guilty. The third time she call, Lars was sleeping and didn’t hear the convocation (thank god) after my mum hang up I started crying and laid my head on Lars’s stomach. He woke up and asked me what was wrong. I told him that she constantly tried to make me feel so guilty and that she was disappointed in me. He hugged me and held my head into him. At that point I hated myself for all those lies I had got rolled up in. I feel like I can’t move, and that I’m trapped in a spider’s web of lies. Ever since I met Lars, the lies have turned against me, and have become my enemy instead of my best friend. I can sense the changes that this whole thing is causing on me. I’m being forced to change, forced to be happy. It is so hard to get there, having to fight back trough thorns and the hard wilder of emotions and old feelings.

Why is it so hard to grow up, when I thought I already had a long time ago?


This is dedicated to Lars:

I can’t breathe
At first I had gels
But then I met you
You took me to the surface
I loved it and grew lungs to stay with you

Then my world fell down
Lost you’re will to try
I could no longer stay with you
So I had to return to the sea
But I didn’t fit in there anymore

I can’t breathe
I’m dying slowly
Reaching out for you
If you don’t help…
Then I’ll drown

________________

I read this to him one morning, when he had hangovers and was sleeping next to me. I think he knows that it is about him. One day Lars I’m gonna write a real poem just for you.
One that’s gonna be my best, may it be sad or happy, I don’t care.