Where to begin...?
it's been so lon gsince i've updated, so I have to look up my calender to make precise dates on when what happened. Let's see... I started at the supermarket, and i'm doing fine there. After a short period I even got offered another job at a gasstation in my own town. So I now work two jobs. I work a lot, but I don't really know where all the money dissapear to :)
Well back to June 29. It was my second day at work at the gasstation. Me and Lars had had a lot of problems at the moment. He said he felt that I was to demanding of him, and that he never had time for his friends. I don't think I was, but I was really sad that he seem to have so much against spending time with me, and felt second ranged after his friends, so it was an evil cirkel, that ment that everytime I just needed to have him for my self to be confirmed in that he still liked to spend time with me, he would say I just didn't want him to spend time with his friends.
That wednesday I broke up with him (yes I did) But only because I hope he'd then prove he couldn't be without me. Unfortunately it didn't seem to be the case. Instead he went out drinking with his freinds wednesday and thuesday and didn't really write me back when I wrote. I just stayed at a friend those days so I wouldn't be alone. Then friday I was alone and in the evening started writting with Lars. slowly I started to see out from his messages that he didn't plan to ever be with me again. I don't know how or why I could allow myself to do it again, but I just felt so dead inside. I started taking a lot of pills. A little more for every message where he chrushed my hope just a little bit more. I started to feel sick, and I wrote it to him. His reaction was this: "then go see a doctor!" and after that he didn't answer anymore. I was deppastated...
I laid down at the coach in our living room and started to dose off, when my parents came home, they got me to put a finger in my throat. I felt really sick all night and couldn't sleep, my parents came in to check on me every once in a while. The next day I wasn't feeliong better and had to stay in bed for two days. Then on sunday, lars called and asked if we schould meet up and talk, and exchange stuff. I had to go to the dentist manday, so he drove me and went home with me afterwards to talk. He admitted he missed me and hadn't been happy, but he had some things to confess. At this point it felt as if I already knew what he ment. My heart froze and everything seemed so distant. he told me that the friday I had been so sick he had been at one of our friends where they had invited his X, Dorthe. they where smoking skunk and he was high. He had then brought her home and they had had sex.
I can't explain how I felt at that point, cuz I don't know. My worst nightmare had come to happen. It felt like I died inside. I thought I had tried that so many times before, but I was wrong. I had exspected myself to freak out or scream, cry - just something! instead I felt like I was sitting next to my body looking at it from a distance. I told my body to take his hand and look at him with the most sorry eyes, and tell him that I can forgive him, and that I can change so we could be happy again. I already knew at this point that I wouldnt be able to love him again, but I would let him go unpunished for almost killing me and then later hurt me so much, so that I actuatly felt dead. I onced loved him so much, that I could feel so overwhelmed with emotions that I would start crying looking at him, or just fear the day hid day of age, so much that I would kling on to him and fear to let one moment go wasted. All that he betrayed, so I have nothing left for him. So when I promised him forgivness, I was promessing him revenge.
I don't know how, but I'll make him love as much as I once loved him, and then let him feel how painfull It can be. The only thing I fear is that I'll forgive him, but there is almost no chance of that ever happening till we're even. I suffer everyday, where it feels like a hundred daggers being thrust into my body, because the images of him and dorthe together in bed, has to run through my head like a movie at least once a day. I'll get my revenge on her, but so far I've goten a little by getting him back, cuz I know she loves him, so know he ignores her and she's gotta feel pretty used, wich is a little comfort.
Ironic enough then I meet her at work at the supermarket. I smile to her and I help her like all the other costumers, but only because I didn't realize it was her till she was gone. I can't tell you how much I hate myself for that. If only I had recognized her, so that I could kick her or at least get to freak out on her, just hit her were it hurts. I would call her something like a drughore, or just a fucking hore who'd jump anything that shows her a dick, but that nobody ever wants. Later after work Lars showed me a messaged she had written to him. "hi! I'm wondering why you haven't answered, but I can imagine that you just want it all at a distance for a while. I meet Maria at work today. I most admit I'm a little afraid of her, you know why, but since she's at work it must meen she's not with you at the summercap. hugs Dorthe" At this point lars and I was two weeks in a summercap with his and my friends, I was just home for the day to work. hehe but I can't help to feel a little happy that she is afraid of me, cuz that means she knows that he loves me and that she knows I'm more beautiful than her ;) she can't compeat with me. I have her number so when it's safe to write to her I'm gonna rub more salt in her wounds!
Till then I just hope I'm strong enough to survive all this acting. I've begged and degrated myself for him, but the only thing I've promised myself I won't do for this revenged is use the words "i love you" to him. He can say them as many times as he want, but I'll only replay me too or just sneak around it.
I hope you al understand it, but this is something I have to do. Meanwhile I try to look out for someone that I think I can trust loving again. I just know that me and Lars are never gonna get married, have children or grow old together.
~maria
it's been so lon gsince i've updated, so I have to look up my calender to make precise dates on when what happened. Let's see... I started at the supermarket, and i'm doing fine there. After a short period I even got offered another job at a gasstation in my own town. So I now work two jobs. I work a lot, but I don't really know where all the money dissapear to :)
Well back to June 29. It was my second day at work at the gasstation. Me and Lars had had a lot of problems at the moment. He said he felt that I was to demanding of him, and that he never had time for his friends. I don't think I was, but I was really sad that he seem to have so much against spending time with me, and felt second ranged after his friends, so it was an evil cirkel, that ment that everytime I just needed to have him for my self to be confirmed in that he still liked to spend time with me, he would say I just didn't want him to spend time with his friends.
That wednesday I broke up with him (yes I did) But only because I hope he'd then prove he couldn't be without me. Unfortunately it didn't seem to be the case. Instead he went out drinking with his freinds wednesday and thuesday and didn't really write me back when I wrote. I just stayed at a friend those days so I wouldn't be alone. Then friday I was alone and in the evening started writting with Lars. slowly I started to see out from his messages that he didn't plan to ever be with me again. I don't know how or why I could allow myself to do it again, but I just felt so dead inside. I started taking a lot of pills. A little more for every message where he chrushed my hope just a little bit more. I started to feel sick, and I wrote it to him. His reaction was this: "then go see a doctor!" and after that he didn't answer anymore. I was deppastated...
I laid down at the coach in our living room and started to dose off, when my parents came home, they got me to put a finger in my throat. I felt really sick all night and couldn't sleep, my parents came in to check on me every once in a while. The next day I wasn't feeliong better and had to stay in bed for two days. Then on sunday, lars called and asked if we schould meet up and talk, and exchange stuff. I had to go to the dentist manday, so he drove me and went home with me afterwards to talk. He admitted he missed me and hadn't been happy, but he had some things to confess. At this point it felt as if I already knew what he ment. My heart froze and everything seemed so distant. he told me that the friday I had been so sick he had been at one of our friends where they had invited his X, Dorthe. they where smoking skunk and he was high. He had then brought her home and they had had sex.
I can't explain how I felt at that point, cuz I don't know. My worst nightmare had come to happen. It felt like I died inside. I thought I had tried that so many times before, but I was wrong. I had exspected myself to freak out or scream, cry - just something! instead I felt like I was sitting next to my body looking at it from a distance. I told my body to take his hand and look at him with the most sorry eyes, and tell him that I can forgive him, and that I can change so we could be happy again. I already knew at this point that I wouldnt be able to love him again, but I would let him go unpunished for almost killing me and then later hurt me so much, so that I actuatly felt dead. I onced loved him so much, that I could feel so overwhelmed with emotions that I would start crying looking at him, or just fear the day hid day of age, so much that I would kling on to him and fear to let one moment go wasted. All that he betrayed, so I have nothing left for him. So when I promised him forgivness, I was promessing him revenge.
I don't know how, but I'll make him love as much as I once loved him, and then let him feel how painfull It can be. The only thing I fear is that I'll forgive him, but there is almost no chance of that ever happening till we're even. I suffer everyday, where it feels like a hundred daggers being thrust into my body, because the images of him and dorthe together in bed, has to run through my head like a movie at least once a day. I'll get my revenge on her, but so far I've goten a little by getting him back, cuz I know she loves him, so know he ignores her and she's gotta feel pretty used, wich is a little comfort.
Ironic enough then I meet her at work at the supermarket. I smile to her and I help her like all the other costumers, but only because I didn't realize it was her till she was gone. I can't tell you how much I hate myself for that. If only I had recognized her, so that I could kick her or at least get to freak out on her, just hit her were it hurts. I would call her something like a drughore, or just a fucking hore who'd jump anything that shows her a dick, but that nobody ever wants. Later after work Lars showed me a messaged she had written to him. "hi! I'm wondering why you haven't answered, but I can imagine that you just want it all at a distance for a while. I meet Maria at work today. I most admit I'm a little afraid of her, you know why, but since she's at work it must meen she's not with you at the summercap. hugs Dorthe" At this point lars and I was two weeks in a summercap with his and my friends, I was just home for the day to work. hehe but I can't help to feel a little happy that she is afraid of me, cuz that means she knows that he loves me and that she knows I'm more beautiful than her ;) she can't compeat with me. I have her number so when it's safe to write to her I'm gonna rub more salt in her wounds!
Till then I just hope I'm strong enough to survive all this acting. I've begged and degrated myself for him, but the only thing I've promised myself I won't do for this revenged is use the words "i love you" to him. He can say them as many times as he want, but I'll only replay me too or just sneak around it.
I hope you al understand it, but this is something I have to do. Meanwhile I try to look out for someone that I think I can trust loving again. I just know that me and Lars are never gonna get married, have children or grow old together.
~maria
