Family get together's...

today I was at my causins konfirmation. It was the usual boring family stuff, but this time I was really sick. I woke up with the biggest headace in a long time, and I was feeling really nausia. It took three times to the bathroom puking before we could finaly go. I felt like crap and I looked that way too. I wasn't able too eat anything, so I just sad and watched everyone eat all that delicious food.
The worste part about these things, are all the home-made songs. most people think they are just a way to tell everyone what a great child they have, but in reality it's a way for the parents to take a walk down memory lane, because they wish their child was still a little brat. And I haven't heard one of those songs yet that mention something bad about the person. instead they make it sound overly-glamurous. Made me even more sick!

Sigh.. I don't hate my familiy, I just feel that every thing is fake today. Just one of my moods i guess..

Another day

At school I wasn't able to concentrate on anything. I was out on fancy a resteraunt with 5 of my friends yesterday. It was nice, but I can't help getting annoyed by them when they talk like they are the center of the univers. I know it's not on purpose when they do it, but it's because they think that, that is how they are suposed to talk to fit in. I'm really fed up with it right now, but that's just how girl world is. No wonder I like my guy friends better. Everything is so simple with them. One of the two girls I'm with the most is acting really strange lately. She is irrittable and really concerned about her food intake. I can just tell by it all, that it's because she thinks her boyfriend will leave her if she's not perfect looking. They've had some problems lately, and she knows that he has been getting a lot of offers from a lot of pretty girls. I feel sorry for her, but I can't help thinking she's a bit perthetic.
I'm still depressed, but for once I had an okay nights sleep.

Today was a really shitty day. I can't really explain why, but everything has just been wrong.. I've just felt fat, ugly and stupid all day. I really feel like cutting, and I prolly will, cuz that way I'll atleast feel a little better. I have no one to stop me, no one to comfort me and no reason not to...


^maria

When..?

The last few days has had perfect weather, but I don't like sitting outside. I'm to restless to just sit there and let the sun warm me. Just enjoying the moment is impossible for me right now. Saturday I was drinking with some friends. I was having fun, but then again not really enjoying it. I look at Lars and try to send him a smile, but my eyes are just cold. I feel like I'm walking on the boaderline between two worlds. I'm never really present in this one, bcuz i keep faling back into the one in my head. At one point I was so drunk I couldn't even see straight, but I still couldn't escape it.
Sometimes I have a dream where I'm sitting in a meadow so big that you can't see the end of it. At first there is perfect weather. I let the sun warm my skin. The grass is soft and all I can hear are birds singing. All the sudden I realize that I'm alone. I get this feeling that my life has no purpose, and that's when the wind starts to blow harder and harder. It twirls up leafs around me. The sky has turned gray and the birds singing has been replaced by thunder. I start to run, trying to escape it. But then the meadow just ends, and I bearly manage to stop before falling over the edge to the abyss.. The strong wind catches up on me, and it feels like it's trying to push me over... That's when I wake up.

I don't know why I have this dream, but I feel miserable when I wake up.

I took a decision saturday too. I'm afraid it's not the right one.. I couldn't help but feeling I said goodbye to something, and it made me cry. If it wasn't because I had a thousand things I needed to do when I got home, I don't know what I would have done. It helped getting drunk later in the evening.
When will this pain that I feel go away?

^Maria

Judgementday

I try to look forward to moving, but I just don't.. I fear it's a mistake, but then again, it's what I've been waiting for since i was ten. I don't want lars just to be the rescouce of makening it happen, but right now I just feel that is how it is. Where has that excitement gone? In a way I hope it comes back, in a way I don't. There is a constant battle in my heart which just leave me runing from the problem trying to avoid having to make a descision.
As my mother said one morning, then I am a restless soul, and I just can't seem to settle and find peace in something. There is just a little more than a month till the contract for 3 months rent sets in..

~maria

Ambivalent

I know I said I wouldn't post for a while, but I'm going to anyway cuz I need to - that simple.
Lately I've been sensing that a storm is coming between me and my mother. I can exactly say how i sense it, but I'm preparing to face some rough times between us.
I once read a lot about eating disorders, and it scares me a bit that I seem to have more and more of the so called "symptoms". But I don't have an eating disorder.. do I? I can controlle this, just till I reach my goal anyway..

I've descided that I wanna try and describe one of my normal days now, just to have it for comparishment later i supose.

My mornings always start when my alarmclock start playing jingle bell at 6 am. Before I've gained complete vision I put on my rope and drag myself to the bathroom. The first thing I do in there, is letting the water run, so it's cold when I'm gonna take my pills. While I'm waiting for that, I cleans my skin and turn on my Ipod. I always listen to musik that fits my mood. I take my vitamin, b-pill and the dietpill. Then I finish up my make-up and hair. All of this takes about an hour because I don't like to stress in the morning. I then turn on the tv and watches the 10 minutes news while finding some clothes to put on. I pack my bags and walk up to the bus while I'm still listening to some musik. It's only a five min. busride till I have to change bus again. The second bus is a schoolbus. I usually sit next to my friend Lykke, bcuz she understands if I don't feel like talking but just wanna sit and listen to my music while staring out the window. Other times we just talk all the way to school. When I'm finally at school, I put on my happyface nomather how down I am. The day usually pas quickly. The pauses are spent talking to people or walking forth and back from the toilets with my other two friends, Anita and Charlotte. When the school day is over, I'm mostly really tired and running on a low battery cuz I haven't eaten yet. That's why it's often something sweet I eat when I get home to get my blodsugar up for a little while. I then start working out for about an hour. Then I have dinner around 6. I mostly go to bed around 11 pm.

Well that's my day

Ofcurse this is on a day where I ain't working or have any other plans

^maria