The Makeup

She wakes up every morning,
Washes her tear-stained face,
And tries to smile.
But its like she has forgotten how.
She tries to cover the scars,
up and down her arms.
Tries to cover the bruises,
from last night.
Tries to cover the ugly,
she sees every time she looks in the mirror.
But no amount of make up will cover the Pain and Sadness
That is her life.

I'm sick and tired of my weight.. I'm sick and tired of having to reconsidder me and Lars all the time. I don't even want to discuss my weight at the moment till it starts going in the right direction and I've already outdebated me and Lars in my head so I don't even want to write about that..

I've been looking at pro-ana sites all day and they really makes it easier to keep away from food.. I'm sick of thinking about food, but can i stop? HELL NO!!
It's easy not to eat at school even though I get dissy at the end of the day and get nausia, but it's the evenings that's hard.. It's like food has become a comfort and a way to keep me from beeing lonely.. I seriously need a hobby. I tried sleeping, but then I would just be more "hungry" when I woke up.. It's not so much a physical hunger, it's more a mental hunger that I just need to controle.. right now I don't eat THAT much, but it's too much to make me loose weight unfortunatly..

I still haven't called the psykologist i've been offered.. how do I know if I'm fucked up enough? I guess I'm a little afraid of being told that it's just me whining too much, and that I really don't have anything to feel bad about.. and on the other hand I'm afraid to loose this disease and because I fear I'll be like all the girls from my class that i despite and I'm afraid that happy will make me gain even more wheigt. I supose that's one of the main reason for me not getting back together with lars.. I'm just not ready to be normal and happy :(

My goal: 52 kg
Current weight: 61 kg
hight: 174 cm
Highest weight 75 kg
Lowest weight: 53 kg

I'm ashamed just to write my current weight..

~maria

Scared and burned

I've been meaning to update my blog for a long time now, but I just haven't been able to collect my thoughts long enough to write them down.. I'm extreemly mad and hurt at the moment. I saw Lars and dorthe driving in his car last friday. It hurt alot cuz I feel he doesn't give a shit about what I had to go trhough on their expence last time.. I was already depressed at the moment so I really felt shitty and just wanted to end it. Luckely Rune came to check up on me, and after he had gone, his big brother who is going through the same thing came over and whatched a movie with me.. just having someone in my present really helped alot.
I've only slept 5 hours since saturday so I'm extremely tirate, which is good, cuz then I can sleep instead of thinking to much about everything.
I've given myself a deadline now concerning my weight.. I have 2 weeks to get back to my old weight.. maybe this will motivate me into keeping the diet
I'll starve as much as i takes to make the goal..

~Maria

One way street

I hate sundays.. I feel so lonely, cuz this is where I normaly woke up next to lars and relaxed all day with him. He found out about my little flirt with jørgen the other day, and not surpricingly I reseaved a lot of angry sms's and he tryed to call me a number of times, but I was already out getting drunk to forget, so I didn't wan't to talk to him. I wrote a message explaining how things was with Jørgen. I might as well be honest. His first reaction was that he was angry I hadn't told him, then he tryed to convince me that it didn't matther and he still wanted me to take him back. But later I got a message saying that he was glad he found out that I am a lieyar and I sleep around like everyone else. That I was nothing special, and he could now move on. I never answared it.. It was a hurtfull message, but it's best to let it go now, cuz it's way to painfull on both him and me.

Hurt myself
I've found myself left with a broken heart after Lars and Jørgen. Both times it was my own fault that I got hurt. I schould never had gotten involved with Jørgen so soon after Lars, cuz my heart was still not whole, and therefore easy to brake. Now I feel like it's shattered into a thousand pieaces and impossible to heal again. I know I haven't written a lot about me and Jørgen, so here's the short version.. He came out of no where, and I wasn't really interested at first, but then I found out that he made me forget Lars, and I was really happy for a while. He is the complete opposite of Lars, so it was new and exciting. Just the thing I needed, unfortunatly, history repeated it self. Like Lars did, then he would make me fall completely for him, and then out of nowhere say stop because he was unsecure about the whole thing. But then he would change his mind, when I had just begun to move on, only to stop again. It really brought me down, but I wouldn't make myself go through it all again as with Lars, so this time I said stop.

I know I did the right thing, but it is hard, and it didn't make it easier that I ran ito him yesterday at a party. we talked a little, but luckely I was so strong I could keep myself from making a mistake and go back.

So here I am on a sunday.. feeling sick and depressed. I've descided that it's just easier to go keep away from love for a long time, but I just feel so lonely, cuz it still feels like there is an empty seat next to me all the time.. I had to cut, to feel better, and it will also keep me from getting desperate and write to either Lars or Jørgen. I've even agreed to eat at my parents, just so I won't sit here alone. I don't know why, but I just feel that I deserve to be punished for something, so I'll even put up with my mothers constant nagging. I'm just to exhausted to fight back..

~maria

Scared..

So I did the right thing.. I finally descided that I wouldn't put up with a guy who couldn't make up his mind. It was a little hard, but I've gotten over worse things, and Elena was there to comfort me and take my mind of it, and after a pizza and a chokoladeputting dessert, you just feel a little better. At times I really miss Lars, but I can't even imagine us being together again..
Right now I live for the weekends where I can escape it all.. I'm doing a bit worse at school, but I can keep up.
When I sit like this and reflect about my life, I get scared, cuz the road that I'm on right now, will only take me one place - down..
I've stopped caring about a lot of things, but in the middle of it all I'm also starting to miss my family.. I don't know why, but I just feel more at ease around them. I don't have to worry about them leaving me.. I can even miss being around my mother (!) but I prefer my grandmother, my dad and my brother.

And to all of you who worry about me, then just remember that it is impossible to talk me out of doing something that I feel like doing. I'm sorry.. that's just how I am, but I love you for caring..

~maria