It's over now..

I had the most shitty day in a long time today.. This morning I woke up and went out to weigh myself, only to descover, I had gained 2 kg. I glanced at myself in the mirror, and all the sudden I had huge tighs and a fat stomach. When I put on my jeans, I felt they were getting too small, so all day I went around feeling fat and ashamed of my body..
I ran into dorthe later on the day in a clothing store. I suddenly felt so humiliated.. so I made up my mind, and wrote to Lars that I could never forgive him for what he had done.. I chose this, but it isn't easy.. I haven't eaten anything all day except for a pack of sugarfree paastills.. So when I had sent the message to Lars my heart couldn't handle it and it started pounding so hard I got dizzy and had to sit down on the floor. When I got a replay from lars saying he would do anything to change my mind, I broke down cuz I knew I had to say goodbye.. I sad on the floor and cried while I held myself and rocking forth and back to comfort myself.. I finally got my act together and went on with my day..

Lately I've been having some problems concerning the abotion I had in february. it all stated tuesday night, where I dreamt I was pregnant again, so when I woke up, I had a hard time shaking the guilty feeling of me.. then yesterday at work, the song happy birthday suddenly plays on the radio, and I don't know why, but I just couldn't hold my tears back, so I had to go out in the back an pull myself together. The song usually don't bother me..
I'm listening to it now as I write this, hoping it'll make the feeling go away.. Today I got the same sad and guilty feeling when I sad in the bus on my way to school. Outside came a little cute boy running along the sidewalk.. I couldn't help questioning myself if that was how my child would have looked like..

I've tryed everything now to make the feeling go away.. I've cut, I've drank, I've done drugs, I've slept, I've cried, I've laughed, I've starved and binged.. nothing has helped.. I've come to find that only one thing truely helps.. love..
But what do I do when I'm afraid to love again? I fear history will repeat itself, and I'll get hurt.. The time with Lars has left a bigger scar than one I could ever make with my knife..

I'm determined to go down to 50 kg now. I can always use all this to motivate me.
Even if I'm gonna faint, I'm gonna try so hard to loose the weight.. this will keep my mind of everything else that's too painfull

~maria

Two wrongs..

Eventhough I'm exhausted from talking about this and thinking about it, I'll force myself to write this post.
Lars wrote out of nowhere yesterday to ask how I was and to tell me that he thought about me constantly.. somehow I led from it all that he was starting to regret his choice. Then today he wrote again, and this time he said that he wanted us to maybe try again. I said to him that I didn't know if I could, cuz I know he has already been with a nother person, but I would think about reconsitter if he told me who and how many times he had been with someone else. He then told me that other than the blond he didn't know the name of he had been with dorthe 3 times..
In a way it didn't come as a suprice, but it still hit me like a train.. In a way I've been hoping we could just go back and start were we left over, but now that's impossible and I have to descide if I want to be with him despite that he has been with her.
And it's not even surtain that it'll last and he won't bail out when it get's to rough, so he is asking me to take a huge risk..
I miss what we had, but I just don't know if we could have that again, plus correct those little things that were wrong before..

I'm afraid to make a descicion, and I'm afraid of the middle cuz it's making me very depressed. I want to cut, but I'm resisting it so fare...

^goodnight
Maria

Broken when I'm lonesome

I'm almost past lars... he has already fucked some other girl, so this time I'm not gonna torture myself by trying to forgive him.. We haven't spoken for a week now, and it's getting more rare that I even think about him.. I've just run into a new problem. I can't seem to be alone. I constantly make plans, to prevent me having to sit at home. Cuz when I am alone, I get depressed and I'm really starting to fear myself and what I might do. My mother thinks I'm never home enough and shes really nagging me about it.. instead of being understanding, she's just yelling at me and making me feel guilty for trying to handle this the eonly way I know. she's making me feel even worse about myself..
Thursday I had a very scary experience.. I was out drinking with some friends, but when it was about 4 o clock and my friend and I descided to go home and sleep, I felt really empty. All evening there had just been nothing but happy couples, and my causins constant attemps to get me out on the market and start looking for a guy, but he just doesn't get that I don't want to yet.. so when my friend and I was finally on our way home to her appartment, she call her boyfriend to say goodnight. As i listened to their sweet conversation, I just felt worse and worse. I felt like every step I took was a battle to convince myself that I had to go on. I wanted to just collapse and be left there, but somehow I manage to continue. The tears was silently runing down my cheeks, but my friend didn't even notice cuz she was too consumed in the conversation with her guy. When we finally came to her apartment, she was still talking to him. As soon as I stepped into her apartment, my legs didn't want to hold me anymore and I fell to the grown and I just sad there in the hallway for half an hour. I could hear my friend laughing while telling her boyfriend that I was gone kold in the hallway.. in reality I was seriously thinking about how I was gonna end it, cuz that was just too much pain. I ask my friend if she had any painkillers, uner the excuse that I had a headace, but (luckely) she dind't.. normaly I always have my blade with me, but for once i hadn't.. I've never felt so bad before, and because I was drunk I didn't care, so if I had had any of those things I had proberbly ended it.. but I'm glad I didn't.

That whole insident has scared the shit out of me.. but in a way I'm beginning to not care more and more

what will happen, will happen if it's ment to be..

*maria