soon..

The presence of a dark cloud following me is undeniable. Like a nightmare I can’t escape and can’t quite remember, something is the in the dark corner of my mind. The news of my mothers despair over not having full control over me, puts a damper on my mood, but worst of all I fear the repercussions of my choice to not play her game. Wikipedia explains the word “repercussions” as a recoil of something after impact, I can only close my eyes and wait for the hurt.

It is not a terrible thing, but it definitely affects my mood. I don’t know how much Jesper can sense it, cause I’m getting good at “being” in the mood. Being in a mood means accepting that there is a shit storm of feelings inside you that are uncomfortable and that you have absolutely no use for. Sometimes they aren’t even rational and can be explained as the effect of a cause. Accepting this means staying calm, not taking it out on other people and not fighting it.

Before my sobriety I had no training in this, because drinking was the way to cope a mood. I know it’s the borderline making everything seem much worse than it is, but when it’s really bad you can compare it to a sharp pain in your stomach that continues until the point where you can’t sit still and you just want to scratch out the pain.

Today is not one of the really bad days, neither was yesterday, but I feel that one of those days is closing in on me.

My mother is not the reason why I feel a dark shadow hanging over me. Something I can’t quite put my finger on is causing a lot of anxiety and a feeling of panic in my body. a part of it could be it’s the fear of being around some people on New Years Eve, whom I know doesn’t like me too much. I did not intentionally make them not like me, but they’ve only seen me at my worst. I don’t want to be their friend or something like that, but I don’t like that my past still haunts me there. I wanna separate myself from it as much as possible, so it’s important that they see me now for who I really am. I’m nervous because I’m still learning who I am, and when ever I’m nervous I get clumsy. Not only in the physical sense, but also in the social sense. I hope Jesper will see this, and help me. Knowing that I have a partner and that you are a part of a team takes a lot of pressure off. 

Black christmas in the light

I promised my self, that I would try to write in here for the very first christmas. It seems fitting to try and remember a christmas that isn't a total disaster. I can't even remember the last christmas, cuz I tried to get through it by drinking. I remember the christmas before that though. I remember drinking a lot by sneaking out to the kitchen and filling my glass over and over again. It was our turn to have my grand parents over, but it had only been months since my brake down and I was very unstable and I remember I just sat staring out in to the air all evening, except for when I lifted my glass to drink. The night ended with me going up to my room and sitting with a butcher knife to my wrist. Just sitting there without making a sound, staring with dead eyes out into the dark room. Without looking down and without flinching I made a swift move with the knife. When I finally looked down a large pool of blood had formed on the floor. Like in a trance I put a shirt under my arm so the blood wouldn't run down on the floor all over the house, and I calmly walked into my parents bedroom and told my father that I would like to go to the emergency room. by then I think i had lost about half a liter of blood.
What scares me the most about that evening is the fact that everything i did was so calm. At no point was i crying uncontrollably or even scared, but something did tell me, that it just wasn't my time yet.

I'm glad my story didn't end there. I would have missed out on what is a new chapter in my life. I would have left without even making up with Jesper, and without knowing what a normal adult life feels like.

I have spent the last couple of days with Jesper, so Christmas has sneaked up on me painlessly this year.    Christmas day started with waking up at Jesper's. I always start by going into the bathroom and putting on my face. I usually take my time and after that I find my breakfast and sit in front of the tv. I know Jesper is craving playing his game, so I always intentionally give him the space to do it. Later we watched a movie and played a board game together before he drove me back to my parents. For a little while after he had driven home I felt like something was missing, but then I felt asleep on the sofa. My parents woke me up with an espresso when it was time for dinner. Luckily they know to leave me alone for a little while when i've just woken up, so I sat quietly eating the appetizer. It was as usually some experimental dish. I think it was some sort of raw marinated fish. I don't mind trying something new as long as I know i can eat till i'm stuffed later when the bird comes.
I didn't wan't to get drunk this Christmas, but my brother and I really have a hard time finding something to talk about, so I agreed to take a single beer with his wine. It got a little easier to talk after that.
The night went by without any drama, but a surprising amount of laughter. It is more than has filled this house for almost a decade. I got some good presents this year, so overall it was a really good christmas.

I sometimes get the paranoid idea that I've been in a car accident and is in a coma dreaming about all of this. It just seems a little too good to be true. If I am in a coma, I hope they never wake me up from my pleasant dream ;)

So this was this years christmas.. now i've written it down, so I can somewhat remember this one next year. I'll go to bed now knowing i'll prolly have a hard time not missing Jesper.

nighty night and mary Christmas

It's time for a little confession of mine.

During Christmas there is so much focus on love of all kinds. All the series i follow all have this grand theme of romance and finding the one. If you listen carefully, all the usual Christmas songs in the radio, all have the romance theme too.
Normally I don't miss romance and softness so much. I get uncomfortable with them because I'm afraid it will make me let my guard down, and I have this insane idea that people secretly just wanna hurt me.
For some reason, during Christmas I can suddenly open up a little more. I actually somehow try to make up for the amount of softness i didn't take in during the rest of the year. It's very bizarre.
Any who.. things like romantic movies and songs suddenly seem very appealing to me. Cute animals and romantic notions like sitting in front of a fireplace drinking hot coco with someone i love seems appealing as hell.

My cynical self is almost completely suppressed. I don't even feel like going to that dark corner of my brain where hope goes to die and thoughts of cutting and dying lives.

An example of this madness is this song.. I don't know why i sort of like it, but I have a suspicion it's because of the lyrics.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvCBSSwgtg4

Even this post is a bit more positive than usual ;)

She thinks i'm failing

Trying to hold back my emotions, because i'm sitting right in front of her. My mother just told me she thinks i'm failing. She think I'm falling back into my old habbits. I have never been so far from them. I've never been so "healthy" yet she pretty much told me, i'm failing and that I'm just as bad as i've ever been.

She could not have said anything that would cut me deeper and hurt me more.

I have to work really hard now to not just give up and let her be right or to not believe what she is saying..

I know I schould proberbly be more direct and tell you hon, but when I start sharing my frustration on something my mother is doing at that moment, it is because I need your support. I need you to just listen and just be there.. It would help me avoid a lot of pain.

I need you..

"I somewhat see when I'm being influenced by my disorder, so I can do something to prevent a negative effect, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel what i feel. Some people will call them episodes, but I'm so adapt at controlling them, so most people don't even know when I'm going through one, so I won't call them episodes. I'll call them a dive, cuz to me it feels like taking a wrong turn off a cliff moodwize. My insecurity flares up, and along side it anger. The anger is my way of protecting myself during a dive. unfortunately it also prevents me from reaching out and telling people what I need to feel better. I need Jesper to look me in the eyes and tell me that he'll stay besides me as long as I need it, even if I hurts him." From a draft of a new post