This is how..

Well finally woke up this morning after having spent the night trying to not care. Had some inder deamons i had to face again. They kept telling me to drink the pain away, sniff the anger away and lose the last shred of sadness in someones bed, but instead i went drunken for a ride in my car and found my way home..
I've been reading my blog to see if I can figure out what went wrong, or to see if there just isn't a better explanation then the one i dread is the right one..
"I hardly got to really love lars back then before he hurt me over and over again. I'm afraid to start Loving Kim and then he'll hurt me. It would hit me like a train, so for now I try to protect myself and controle my feelings."
"I'd rather push them away than have the burden of them worrying on my schoulders.. But am I pushing Kim away before he even got the chance to get close..?"

I hate the fact that i'm like this, but the only way I wouldn't is if i numb my feelings with the medicine, and I don't think i need love then.. "I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all" as the song goes.
Just so confuessed about what's the right way to go about this. meanwhile, i'll have to keep the deamons away by staying somewhat angry..

maria

Something new..

I'm gonna try something new.. instead of trying to explain myself i'll post the lyrics of song that fits to how i feel right now..

Big Girls Don't Cry lyrics:

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection, baby
To be with myself and center
Clarity, peace, serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry

The path that I'm walkin', I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and Uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine
Valentine
Yes, you can hold my hand if you want to'
Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers
And share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself, and center
Clarity, peace, serenity


Pink sober lyrics:

I don’t wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don’t wanna be that call at 4 o’clock in the morning‘
Cos I’m the only one you know in the world that won’t be home
Uuuhh, the sun is blinding
Uhhhh, I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That’s not the way I want my story to end
I’m safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party’s over?
No painInsideYou’re my protection
How do I feel this good sober?
I don’t wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence
The quiet scares me cause it screams the truth
Please don’t tell me that we had that conversation
I won’t remember, save your breath, ‘cos what’s the use?
Uhhhh, the night is calling?
And it whispers to me softly come and play
Aahh, I am falling
And If I let myself go I’m the only one to blame
I’m safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party’s over?
Uohhhouhoh…No painInside
You’re my perfection
How do I feel this good sober?
I’m coming down, coming down, coming down
Spinning ’round, spinning ’round, spinning ’round
Looking for myself …. SOBER
I’m coming down, coming down, coming down
Spinning ’round, spinning ’round, spinning ’round
Looking for myself …. SOBER
Will I ever feel this good
I’m safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party’s over?
Uhoohhh..No painInside
You’re like perfection
How do I feel this good sober
How do I feel this good sober
Uhhoooohh..Will I ever feel this good sober?


Nickelback - Far Away lyrics:

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,you know, you know
[CHORUS]That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing ifI don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,you know, you know
[CHORUS]So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

Avenged sevenfold - Gunslinger lyrics:

Yeah, you've been alone
I've been gone for far too long
But with all that we've been through
After all this time I'm coming home to you

Never let it show
The pain I've grown to know
'Cause with all these things we do
It don't matter when I'm coming home to you

I reach towards the sky
I've said my goodbyes
My heart's always with you now
I won't question why so many have died
My prayers have made it through yeah
'Cause with all these things we do
It don't matter when I'm coming home to you

Letters keep me warm
Helped me through the storm
But with all that we've been through
After all this time I'm coming home to you

I reach towards the sky
I've said my goodbyes
My heart's always with you now
I won't question why so many have died
My prayers have made it through yeah
'Cause with all these things we do
It don't matter when I'm coming home to you

I've always been true
I've waited so long just to come hold you
I'm making it through
It's been far too long, we've proven our
love over time's so strong, in all that we do
The stars in the night, they lend me their light
to bring me closer to heaven with you
(Bring me closer)
But with all that we've been through
After all this time I'm coming home to you

I reach towards the sky I've said my goodbyes
My heart's always with you now
I won't question why so many have died
My prayers have made it through yeah
'Cause with all these things we do
It don't matter when I'm coming home to you

And with all that we've been through
After all this time I'm coming home to you

^maria