Never say never...

I feel so torn... I don't want to be with Lars, and then I do because it's practical. I want to be alone, but I know I'm to weak. I want to hate, but I can't.. sigh..! I don't know what else to put down. I'm just never gonna be happy, am I..?

I'll write again as soon as possible i promis, rigth know I just don't have time to explain..

^maria

?!

The water is quiet on the surface
Dark clouds are gathering, with prophecies of a storm
Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of being lost

Panicing. longing, dreaming for something that isn't there
How I long for peace
Only pain drowns the noise in my head
High on a mountain while the earth trembles

laying numb and stone cold
everything is silent...

Well I tried to write a poem, but I just can't find the inspiration anymore. I feel so dead inside... I need something to bring me back to life, somthing to make me feel again. I'm not sad, angry, happy, or even in love anymore. I'm just nothing! I wanna cut, cuz then I'd at least feel something. I consider breaking up with Lars, but I fear I'll just regret it. I DON'T KNOW!
I really feel that i'm loosing it...
I try to have somethings to look forward to. To find bliss in the small everyday things, but it's hard when you've lost perspective.
I just feel like getting so drunk i can't remember who the hell I am. heck i'd even take drugs to forget...

I'm fighting my deamons as hard as I can, but it's to hard..

^Maria

Heartache..

My heart is getting weak. Every morning, when I get out of bed, I can hardly stand on my legs. I get palpitation every morning now, and I have to sit down on the toilet while finishing my morning routine. I know I'm not well, but I'm no longer just loosing weight to be thin, I also find comfort in having a goal, and at the sametime it replaces my urge to cut. I'm down to 53 kg, almost 20 kg lighter than 2 years ago...
I know that what I'm doing is damaging me alot, but I don't care. Schould I have a heart attack then that's just it. I'm sick of my life, and I wouldn't mourn myself.
Lars found my cuts yesterday, but he didn't get angry, and I'm glad. He just couldn't undrestand why I hadn't talked to him instead. He just doesn't realize that talking to him doesn't make that pain go away.

Am I getting depressed again?

I'm tired and loosing grip!
I don't like selfpity, so I'm not blaming anyone but myself for everything in my life.

Forgive me;

Can you forgive me again
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you

I heard the words come out
I felt that I would die
It hurts so much to hurt you

Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken

I'd give anything now
To kill those words for you

Each time I say something I regret
I cry, I don't want to lose you
But somehow I know that you will never leave me

Somehow I'll make you see
How happy you make me
I can't live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive

So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside
That I'm sorry

And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you

~Maria~

Just a hypocrite..

Today I realized that something was missing in my life. I was at wok, sitting behind the counter and just staring out on the freeway. There hadn't been a costumer for half an hour, and I was bored while listning to some old techno songs from bach in 7th grade. I don't know whether it was because an old friend who I spend a lot of time with stick before we fell apart, had been in the store, or if it was the old songs, that reminded me of her. But all the sudden I missed Christina really much. The feeling of guilt suddenly rushed over me, even though I hadn't felt that for a long long time. I thought I had gone all cold and cynical inside.. I felt guilty for have hurt her back when we grew apart, and I felt sad because I know that there was nothing I could have done then to have prevented it. It felt like for a second I was the girl I was back in 7th grade. I spendt every day with her. I have often noticed since then, that no one have ever made me laugh as much as she did. No one have ever made me feel like I could just be me like she did.. Maybe that's why I felt we had to go seperate ways over a year ago. She reminded me too much of who I really am, and it made it hard for me to keep my facade up.. the one I needed to be accepted... I have tried over and over to convince myself that it was for the best, but sometimes, I just wish we where back being 13 again!
I'll admit thinking about it makes a tear run down my chin, but I have only myself to blaim, and I know that in the morning when i've taken my pill, I won't care anymore, because then I'm somebody else - cold and cynical...
Right now I just have to survive the night without cutting. I want to badly, and the only thing that makes the feeling go away is, if I sleep, take a pill or actualy cut.

~"right now you're out there being someone elses dream"~

^Maria

ups n' downs

I got my drivers licence now, and I've already been out driving a lot. It's fun, but i'd expected myself to be more enthusiastic about it. I'm in class right now. I've gotten to sit in the back so I can write this without anyone snooping. As I look out on my class, I just get the feeling that I'm so different from everyone, eventhough I look like one of them. They goof around, and talk about unimportant things. They laugh at things that isn't really funny, but just to be a part of the group. I look upon the girl who is still secret in love with a guy from the class, but denies even having feelings for him. She notice everything he does, and looks jealous at the girl he is telling about his weekend. Another girl is constantly trying to be the center of attention. She sounds really stupid to me, when she tryes to turn any conversation into being about her. A completly different girl, sits in the corner and eats her sandwish while observing everthing the others are doing. I admire her in a way. She doesn't need to dress acordingly to the fashion, and she doesn't need to try and fit in. She is just her... No one really notice her, or even talk to her, but I still envy her for not always having to be someone else. Then there is me.. I can't even begin to descibe myself.. I'm respected, well-liked, hard-working and happy. That's atleast how they see me..

My temper is really bad at the moment. I think it's the pills, but it's not to bad, so that i can't controle it...


Maria