going through hell

I think I'm in a state of mourning and at the same time theres finally a shred of happiness. It's finally hit me that I'm saying goodbye to my relationship with Kim, eventhough it's not technically over yet. Theres just so many feelings in me abou this whole thing, so I'm afraid it's right and that I'm not misinterpertating them.
Everytime I'm alone with my thoughts I'm overwhelmed by guilt and fear. It's a truely frigthening feeling and I just wan't to escape it, so i guess I'm drinking a little harder than planned at parties and doing everything to not think about it.

Had to write some of this in here, cuz I just can't keep it all inside any longer...
I'm sorry I might not be so available for a little while Jesper, but have to deal with some of this guilt and fear alone, but I know you'll understand. Just know that it's not gonna change anything

Just can't handle the guilt of braking his heart and the guilt of sneaking to talk to you mean while, so just gotta get it out of the way before I can be there for you all the way..

love Maria^

the day after..

I promised you i'd write an update after what you called a bump in the road, so here goes.

Driving home after visiting "him" I felta kind of hollow inside.. dunno what it meant, but had all this thoughts of worry conserning how the next month will come to pass, but when I lay'd there in his arms they were just gone. atleast until Kim had to write and remind me of the life i'm still stuck in. it was impossible for me to relax again.. driving home I just became so frustrated that I just can't do as I wanna do and not having to feel so obligated to things that mean nothing. Right now I just wanna have one evening where i can say fuck it all and just get lost in some crazed state of mind where I don't have to be me..
If I were'nt a little sick I would get some party started and do what i do the best.. I need something to happen cuz I'm just so frustrated and agitated that I can't be with him now cuz only he can save me from myself.

well I'm out..

love^maria

Well what to write

Finally had the curage to let my self dream about how life would be with him.. but i guess i broke his heart to many times in the past for him to dare take the risk this time.. I guess it's my own fault, but dammit everything else in my life has always been a failure except him till now..
I cutted my arm up back where I used to cut when ever I was mad at myself for hurting him.. sigh.. I feel it isn't punishment enough so tried getting drunk on beer and medicine, but the more i take the more reel the hurt feels..

Can't say anything else then I'm sorry, but this time I was really ready

^maria