work and leisure
Reading my old post, I realize that i was proberbly very stressed from starting back at work after 2 years. It got better later on, and i took on as many shifts as i possibly could, so i've now save up around 22.000 out of the 34.000 i need for my surgery.
I really like my job in Farsø and my kolleages at day shift. Sometimes i have to work evening shifts. I don't really like them because the route is more stressfull and half the coworkers are hard to be around. Last week I had 7 evening shift in a row, and during the last two shift, something went bad. I'm usually very liked by everyone and I'm told I'm very cabeble. Saturday I was first told that I was going to take on a client who wasn't on my list. Usually, then someone takes another client in return, so the workload fits, but not this time. It didn't sit well with me, but i did it. Later on the shift, I was at a client who is farely young, but is really down on his lock physically, and can't relly do anything on his own. I guess he was frustrated that day, but he ended up taking it out on me. He called me stupid for not turning the fork the right side up and raised his voice. It was devastating for me. I got tunnel vision, a sinking feeling in my gut, and tears were pressing on. I tried to keep up apearence, but as soon as I got out of the house I started crying. I drove home and sat in Jespers arms for a while.
The next day at work i was in a bit of a mood, but I showed up. But then one of my coworkers wanted me to take on one of her clients again without taking any of mine. I questioned why she couldn't take it, an out of the blue she raised her voice and told me, that, that was how they did it here, and taht I would easely be able to make the time. Again i got a warm rush rolling in over me, tunnel vision and a sinking feeling in my gut. I think i looked very surpriced, and i hardly remember what happened then, but I think i said I was going to do it and then i left for my shift, without the usual have a nice shift comment.
I was crushed! Critisism from a client is one thing, but not from a coworker. I could hardly function in my work so after 3 hours i finally threw in the towel, and called another of my coworkers to say that i had to go home because i wasn't feeling well. She amediatly suspected the insident earlier for being the reason, but I denied it. But she told me that she thought it was a bit harsh, and she would have said something, but didn't think it was her place. They called someone in and i got to go home. After that I wasn't supose to work there for another week cuz I was going to work at my third job.
But today my boss wrote to me that i didn't have to work tomorrow, so I could have a day off. I told her, that i was sad to her that and that they could call me sunday if they needed me. I had a sinking feeling in my gut again, and a feeling I've had a couple of times before when I was about to be let go.
She then wrote me back, that she gave me the day of because she had heard from a evening shift, that I had only 5 days of in december. I wasn't surpriced they had talked to the boss, but I had hope they wouldn't, cuss who knows what had been told. I've been bullyied by a coworker once before in this line of work, so it all just feels a little bit too familiar. I wrote back that it was sweet of her to think of my wellbeeing, but that I had chosen it for myself, and that I would quit one of the other jobs if it was too much. She never wrote me back after that.
I don't know if the universe is screwing with me or not, but shortly after the text, I got a call with a job offer at a nother eldercare facillity. I told them I would find out how much work there was for me in farsø, and get back to them.
I really don't wanna start another new job again again, but I may have too.
I'm so sad and i'm just left with a feeling that's way to familiar from earlier in my life. I need and want Jesper, but I'm so ashamed. I thought writing things down, would help me see, that I have nothing to be ashamed of.
I'm more capable at my work than most of my coworkers with a degree in the field, and I'm a stable workforce who rarely complaints about terrible working conditions. And on a consious plan, I know i'm not to blame for the insidents last weekend, then why do i feel so bad?
I can't afford to lose work, cuz there is no more social support for people like me out of work, but I feel i'm beeing cornered against a wall. I can't keep working under these conditions, but I have no other option. I just want a steady regular job that I like for 9 more months.
I have no where else to look for fault, but my own, and my condition doesn't really make that any less painfull.
So I'm doing what I'm not supposed to, and drinking. I'm just tired of trying to be the good version of me. I need a little down time..
gonna look at jobsites and checking out the place that called me earlier now.. cheers cruel world
Maria*
update: 29-03-2016
I stayed in Farsø and had the other job offer to fill the rest of my quota. I saved up the money. Got the surgery and loved it. still do. I then moved with Jesper to Aarhus big city. Started back in school and got a student job in Aarhus eldercare. Got pregnant and moved into a house a little outside Aarhus. I now have a son with Jesper and I'm finishing college this summer and applying for the education as a bionanalist next.
I really like my job in Farsø and my kolleages at day shift. Sometimes i have to work evening shifts. I don't really like them because the route is more stressfull and half the coworkers are hard to be around. Last week I had 7 evening shift in a row, and during the last two shift, something went bad. I'm usually very liked by everyone and I'm told I'm very cabeble. Saturday I was first told that I was going to take on a client who wasn't on my list. Usually, then someone takes another client in return, so the workload fits, but not this time. It didn't sit well with me, but i did it. Later on the shift, I was at a client who is farely young, but is really down on his lock physically, and can't relly do anything on his own. I guess he was frustrated that day, but he ended up taking it out on me. He called me stupid for not turning the fork the right side up and raised his voice. It was devastating for me. I got tunnel vision, a sinking feeling in my gut, and tears were pressing on. I tried to keep up apearence, but as soon as I got out of the house I started crying. I drove home and sat in Jespers arms for a while.
The next day at work i was in a bit of a mood, but I showed up. But then one of my coworkers wanted me to take on one of her clients again without taking any of mine. I questioned why she couldn't take it, an out of the blue she raised her voice and told me, that, that was how they did it here, and taht I would easely be able to make the time. Again i got a warm rush rolling in over me, tunnel vision and a sinking feeling in my gut. I think i looked very surpriced, and i hardly remember what happened then, but I think i said I was going to do it and then i left for my shift, without the usual have a nice shift comment.
I was crushed! Critisism from a client is one thing, but not from a coworker. I could hardly function in my work so after 3 hours i finally threw in the towel, and called another of my coworkers to say that i had to go home because i wasn't feeling well. She amediatly suspected the insident earlier for being the reason, but I denied it. But she told me that she thought it was a bit harsh, and she would have said something, but didn't think it was her place. They called someone in and i got to go home. After that I wasn't supose to work there for another week cuz I was going to work at my third job.
But today my boss wrote to me that i didn't have to work tomorrow, so I could have a day off. I told her, that i was sad to her that and that they could call me sunday if they needed me. I had a sinking feeling in my gut again, and a feeling I've had a couple of times before when I was about to be let go.
She then wrote me back, that she gave me the day of because she had heard from a evening shift, that I had only 5 days of in december. I wasn't surpriced they had talked to the boss, but I had hope they wouldn't, cuss who knows what had been told. I've been bullyied by a coworker once before in this line of work, so it all just feels a little bit too familiar. I wrote back that it was sweet of her to think of my wellbeeing, but that I had chosen it for myself, and that I would quit one of the other jobs if it was too much. She never wrote me back after that.
I don't know if the universe is screwing with me or not, but shortly after the text, I got a call with a job offer at a nother eldercare facillity. I told them I would find out how much work there was for me in farsø, and get back to them.
I really don't wanna start another new job again again, but I may have too.
I'm so sad and i'm just left with a feeling that's way to familiar from earlier in my life. I need and want Jesper, but I'm so ashamed. I thought writing things down, would help me see, that I have nothing to be ashamed of.
I'm more capable at my work than most of my coworkers with a degree in the field, and I'm a stable workforce who rarely complaints about terrible working conditions. And on a consious plan, I know i'm not to blame for the insidents last weekend, then why do i feel so bad?
I can't afford to lose work, cuz there is no more social support for people like me out of work, but I feel i'm beeing cornered against a wall. I can't keep working under these conditions, but I have no other option. I just want a steady regular job that I like for 9 more months.
I have no where else to look for fault, but my own, and my condition doesn't really make that any less painfull.
So I'm doing what I'm not supposed to, and drinking. I'm just tired of trying to be the good version of me. I need a little down time..
gonna look at jobsites and checking out the place that called me earlier now.. cheers cruel world
Maria*
update: 29-03-2016
I stayed in Farsø and had the other job offer to fill the rest of my quota. I saved up the money. Got the surgery and loved it. still do. I then moved with Jesper to Aarhus big city. Started back in school and got a student job in Aarhus eldercare. Got pregnant and moved into a house a little outside Aarhus. I now have a son with Jesper and I'm finishing college this summer and applying for the education as a bionanalist next.
