Faith sent me a message.

By pure coincidence i opened my junk mail and found a reminder for this blog.  It has meant so much to me throughout the years, and as i read it, it is an incredible tale of my youth. I just have a tendancy to forget it when i'm happy.

A quick update of my life status:
My son is now 3 years old, and he is still the love of my life. In the beginning of his young life, i was sufforing from a postpartum reaction, and at the same time, my disorder made the uncontrollable life that is motherhood unbearable at times. But at the moment im considering having a second child.
Jesper is sailing 2 weeks at a time. I was so scared that I couldn't manage without him, but to my surprising im thriving and its overpowering to feel this independent for the first time in my life.
I'm almost done stuying chemical and biotechnical science. I'm currently an employed student.
It was a rough start at my internship. For a long while i felt like i could do nothing right, and i felt a huge wall between me and some of my coworkers. Later i learned that there was a huge workplace environment problem that i landed smack in the center of. It's better now, but for a while i was stressed, unhappy and someone made rumors to my boss. But my boss was so sweet and protected me, unlike my previous experiences at this in the past.
My work is so interesting, but i know i cant stay there after my internship is over. I need a fresh start somewhere i will be respected for my merit and not viewed as the newbie. I've made some good friends/coworkers as well.

I can now also say that i have a hobby :D This is the highlight of my life at the moment. It is my escape and has been my relief throughout the hard times. I'm doing powerlifting. My plan is to compete at some point. At the moment i can squat 100kg, deadlift 115 and bench 55 kg. It's decent and i'm proud of my achievements. being a parent, while studying 1,5 hour away from the nearest grandparent,is hard enough, but also keeping in shape and striving for a goal, is something not everyone can. At the same time having gotten through my past, that's extra ordinary.

But i'm still not happy..

I long for love. I long for the passion I had with Jesper. I long for the teenage crush and the life or death rush he made me feel.
Back then he made me feel like the most important person in the world. Like a rare species among women.

When i was younger, i felt like i was the only person in the world with these kind of problems, but in hindsight i see that i was ill, while going though normal teenage insecurities. So now i'm thinking that my current problem is just a normal parenthood issue. That makes me second guess myself, and for my sons sake i have to be more than sure. I cannot do what my instincts tell me to, and search for something to fill my heart.

next up for me, is finding a permanent job and possibly moving to a house. Maybe a second child... Life is open to me, and i'm sure i want these things, but i'm also sure i want true love.

*maria