What goes on in my head today

Only six months ago I didn't think I had a reason to live.. Nothing mathered and I only longed to be released from my pain...
I can't imagine how it's like loving someone who who doesn't wonna live. Lars did... I didn't ask him to give me a reason to live, but he did. I wouldn't have cared then, cuz if he left me, i still wouldn't have had a reason to live, but then he made me give a damn. He blew life in my lungs, now I need him more than ever.
When he gets scared that I'm gonna leave him, his fear takes over and he hurts me, to see how far I'll go, and how much I love him. I understand this, but it's hard. HE was hurt once, and find it hard to believe that my love is real and unlimited.
I'm at the point where I love him so much I don't really care about myself, I feel strong enough to hold him tight when he is upset and strikes out in frustration. I would take a bullet for him, and even give him up if that ment he would be happy.
But he is worried that I comitted too seriously too young. That I'm at some point gonna want to live out my youth and try something new.. someone new...
yes I know that he has had about 10 girlfriends before me, and I haven't really had anyone seriously, but that doesn't mean I long for something new. I've seen other guys and how they are around me. They are too simple, they are too easy for me to manipulate. I don't want that!
I need someone as deep as me, someone who doesnt' just go with the flow. Lars is different, I've told him this manytimes before, but I don't think he really understands the meaning of it. He has as many different personalities as I have, and I love every single one of them, even their flaws.
Sometimes when I look at him I feel I love him so deeply I wanna cry, or feel like i wanna crawl into him and become one with him. Just feeling all the warmth that he pesses.
I try to be ME around him, and not put on one of my many masks, but it's hard to show him it all, cuz I contain so many emotions sometimes, that I'm afraid it will scare him. If he catches me staring at him, it's only becuz I try to memorize every little fiber and wrincle of his face. Trying to remember his scente, cuz I'm afraid that he's one day gonna leave me. I'm not proud to admit, that after all the brake-up's then I've become very scared fro hhim to leave me, but I'm also aware of the fact that it might not last for ever, but being around him, makes it very hard to believe.
Doing my darkest period, I often cried to myself, because I thought there wasn't a single human being out there who was like me, but I was wrong. Never have I felt so close to another person. I feel I can confie everything to him, and I feel he loves me for who I am.

without him, I'm just Maria, but she is no one, cuz she always changes to fit in.

¨maria¨

Christmas is coming...

as you prolly know then I had a huge depression last christmas and I haven't reallygotten over it.. It was horrible sitting there in chirch, really questioning your existence and god.Later at dinner I could hardly eat the food I used to love so much. It just didn't taste the same.My scars from cutting hurt, and reminded me that I schouldn't eat so much.I don't recall even having the special dessert, that I always get a stomach acke in.Later on we danced around the tree, but my father who was sick went into the bedroom to sleep.It just wasn't the same...I wasn't even looking foreward to unrapping the gifts. Nothing really mattered, and my mother wasconstantly correcting me. I had had a large fight with her the days before, and even a couple of hoursbefore we went over to my aunt, where we celebrate Christmas every year.Where was my beloved Christmas?! I useually couldn't wait from the 1st till the 24th, but now it was asif I didn't even now it was Christmas.It was hard seeing everyone being so happy, when you're not.This year is supposengly going to be better, cuz I'm no longer depressed, but I'm not sure.What if the memory of the whole thing is gonna make me misserable again? what if I find out that Ijust don't feel happy around Christmas any more?Sure it has helped a lot having Lars there, but that also scares me a bit... It is my first Christmaswith a real boyfriend, and not just some guy who I flirt with, as I used to do in my past.I wasn't good at commitment, but with him I don't just wanna flirt, I want something real.I still wonder how it's all gonna go... But I love him and that schould be enough to make me livethrough it all :)

Another thing is that I've started to loose weight again. In that way I feel stronger thatn most.I'm down to 60 kg, but I've ordered some pills that will make me loose a lot more. I know they aren't leagalin Denmark, but I'm sick of not being able to loose the weight I want.My goal is 57 kg, cuz then I'll be underweight, and my body will be perfekt.I hate not being able to wear the pants I like, bcuz they are all so small, and I hate not being able toeat what ever I want without gaining weight. I know that once I'm down to the size that I want, then Istill can't eat all that I want, cuz I have to watch out not to gain it all again.

Does this make me an anorexic?
-no... I don't think so, it makes me desperate to be perfekt to other ppl

~maria

Wish i Knew

I'm late again... I know I'm extreemly moody, and I take it out on lars, but everything he does gets on my nerves. I'm sick or at least I think I am. I'm neausious and one minute I'm sweating, the next freazing. What's wrong with me? I can't be around other ppl cuz even they get on my nerves. Most of my classmates seem so childish right now. I stayed home from school today, eventhough I'm not sick enough, but I just don't have the strenght to smile and be happy today. I even ignored lars's sweet godnight messages and his morning message. I was just so mad at him yesterday. I thought we were gonna sleep together, but he said he'd rather not cuz then he'd have to get up 20 minuttes before he normally has too. Back then when he didn't have that job, I slept at his house eventhough that ment I'd have to get up 20 minuttes before I!! normally do!
Little things like that makes me mad, and at the same time I have to watch what I say, cuz he is so sensitive about that. If I say the least then he somehow get offended by that.
I normally love everything about him, but at the moment I don't have much energy to deal with this.


I hope I'm not letting all this get out of hand.. afterall I do love him, and I can feel that I got him in my palm.
I jsut think I'm the one who does all the sacraficing...

^maria^