Givin' up

I've been pretty down the last couple of days, and it has affected everyone around me. I skipped school and I told my boss about my depression. I really came in trouble in school so I've givin' up trying to make the world understand, so back to wearing the happy face to hide my sadness inside. I'm even gonna hide it from lars, and make him happy again. I can't have him going around being mad/ worried or sad because of me.
Something else that's bothering me is that we still haven't said I love you to each other. I know I do now, but does he?!
I'm not gonna push him, just gonna try make him happy and fall even more in love with me.
I gave him all my cutting stuff the other evening. He was really down when he saw it. He even told me it made him mad at me, even though it was a while ago, but he was happy that he got it so he was sure it was gone.

Being perfect for you...

I've got myself a new goal. I'm gonna trye to lose 4 kg within two weeks. I'll be down to 60 kg then. That's underweight :D
I'm parchally starving and parchally purdging. The reason for all this, is that I'm sick of feeling so fat and ugly. Besides then I wanna proove to myself that I can lose the weight I gain again.
don't know why I'm so upseced with my looks. I just hate it, and how I feel worthless around other ppl.
There is already some who has been noticeing that I've lost weight. My best favorite pants are even getting to big for me. I can hardly hold 'em up without a belt.

~maria

When I'm gone...

I fight with my mother all the time. She yells at me and hates me for being around. After we've faught I usually hate myself and don't feel much for living, but then I just take time for myself and cool down again. I'm sometimes afraid that I'm gonna do something stupid because I'm angry, but I try to keep in mind that you can kill so many people with just one bullet. besiedes I wouldn't want to leave the small hope I've found for getting a somewhat normal life.

My life is like a parallel world. At home i'm invisible and constantly unhappy and filled with anger and pain. These to emotions a extremly destructive and it is hard not wanting to hurt myself for being what/who I am. It is not unusual that I breake down a couple of times duing a day. Even before school if she is sitting at breakfast and just telling me how useless I am, while I don't say a word and just accept the fact that she hates me. I mostly think she is ashamed of me and just wishes I wasn't born.

On the other side I feel this incredible joy and freedom. When I'm not around my parents and they don't pop-up in my mind, then i feel happy and free to laugh and smile. I forget my other life and I'm just me for that short period of time.
The only problem is that it is hard to return to the other life without feeling like a prisoner for life.

I really love being around lars's family and ofcourse him :o)
I don't have to constantly expect an attack, and I can relax a little before I have to return. I think these little breaks are the only reason why I've kept floating for so long. I don't know how to thank him. He has so fare managed to do what not even my own parents could do. He has made me feel important and loved

alone

I feel I give up so much for lars. I stay up for him in the evenings, because he says he'll come over. He did that yesterday, but when it came to the point then he had a headace.
I'm just so tirated of it. I wont stay on hold in my life, so that he can MAYBE fit me into his.

Otherwise, then I'm fighting more with my mother than before. I know I schouldn't since it's only gonna make it harder to talk to her like the doctor has ordered me.
I'm going to these apoinment with the docter every monday with lars.
The next step is to talk to my mother about how I feel and tell her that things have got to change, so I can get over this depression.

I miss lars, I need him more than ever in this time, but as I said, then he isn't always relieable.
That is the only reason why I just down't get it over with, and talk to my mother. I have to be sur ehe is there if it gets to bad.

~maria

Traitor!

Yesterday I was at a party with lars, but in exchange of being that I had to lie to my best friend. I had promissed her I would go with her to another party. I even made lars lie for me. Anyway... this party we where going to was a 2 x 18 years birthday party, so I didn't know any of them too well. There was only this girl from my class that I knew well. her x boyfriend was also there, and she had started to flirt with him again cuz she was drunk. Everyone knew that he would only have a one night stand with her, so to prevent her from getting hurt I told her something lars had confied to me. He had been sleeping with someone else while they had broked up, but I only told her that he had been writting a lot with this other girl. But instead of holding back with the flirting, then she asked him if it was true that he had been with a nother girl. I dind't sit long from him, so I heard him curse and swear about me, adn shortly after he draw lars with him outside. Lars later told me that he was really mad in me, that I had said that even though his x had made it sound worse than I said it.
I felt really bad, so I went to this guy and asked him if I could talk to him outside, but he refused, so I just told him where he was. I told him what I had really said and why I had said it. His reaction wasn't so bad. He just said that I schould understand why he got so mad. What if he had told lars that I had been unfaithfull to someone. I again said I was truely sorry and hoped he could forgive me, and then I went back to my seat next to lars.
I felt really terrible and could hardly laft when lars tryed to chear me up. I just felt that everyone was whispering about me now. What a great big lyiar I was.
I couldn't take it anymore and went to the bathroom and locked me in a stall. I was really depestated and was almost crying, but I got a grip and went back out to the party. Lars could tell something was wrong even though he was pretty drunk, so he perposed that we went home.
When we got into his room it all just got too much, so I started crying. It wasn't really about that his friend was mad at me, but more that I didn't feel good enough for him, and that I couldn't do anything right.
I had been really depressed the two days before that. I had spent the entire friday on crying and sleeping in my room. But it was also because of something that had happened the day before.

the day before (friday):
Lars had planned that we schould be together that day, cuz he had gone to a party thuesday without me cuz I had been sick, but when he wrote that morning and I told him I wasn't in scholl, he had ofcourse written back if I was jsut skipping school. I don't know why, but I got a bit orfendedby that so I wrote something back about why he would think I do that. his reaction was this "would you relax!" I was almost chokked by the rough tone, so i didn't write anythiong back. He then wrote and asked what was wrong. I told him that I hated when ppl said I was faking being sick. He then wrote that he only asked and dind't judge, but that I schould forget it happened. I then again got orfended without any reason, and didn't answer. I have no clue what so ever of what whent of me that morning. I then wrote to him six hours later, if we schould be together without sounding the slightest mad, but he didn't answer... I then called him and found out that it was because he was hurt, that I had been so snappish and thought he would give me some space since he obviously irritated me. I tryed to explain that it was him, but jsut a bad morning. Ofcourse it is a bad excuse and he didn't forgive me right away. He then told me that he had made other plans in the meanwhile and was already at a friend and drinking.
I was really mad at my self, but also hurt in a way. I wwent to my room and curled up on the floor. barrying my nails into my arms. I couldn't find rest and went forth and back in my room.
Later on the evening my rents had guests over, so they wanted me dressed deasened, but I was in the mood for guest so I refused and stayed in my room.My mum kept banging on my door to get me to obay her. I just drowned her out by music and the sound of my own crying.
I knew I had to get a hold on lars or I would risk cutting again. I wrote to him, but he was to drunk to get the seriousness of it, and all the sudden he didn't answer. I thought that he prolly dind't want to hear about this now. This made me feel worse, cuz I was trying to be strong for his sake, but now he wasn't there. I managed to stay strong knowing how much it would hurt him if I cutted again.
I fell asleep, but woke up again, becuz my phone rang. It was lars, he sounded really sad and restless. The first thing he said, was that I schould tell him a joke. I jsut told him the first and worse I could think of, witch made him laugh a bit. He then tol dme that he though sussie was dead (his last x, who he was with 8 month and had an abortion with) apparently she had just been in a car accident, and her parents had called lars and said it was critical. They had offered him to pick him of and take him with them to the hospital. He told me he was gonna go with them and spend the night in her house since she was gonna be there anyway. He then told me that he was splitted, because it braught back a lot af old feelings. I took it like he meant he was splitted between the two of us, but he really meant he was splitted between feeling like he needed to go to the hospital or stay home since it was an x girlfriend. He choose to go to the hospital, because I didn't say anything to it. He was really out there and said he could really use my choulder to cry out on.
This all happened at 2 am at night. After he had hanged up the phone and gone to the hospital, I still couldn't fall a sleep again. I kept imagining the whole sceen with him and her parents and all that soft bull-shit, but instead of being mad and jealous, I felt something else. I wanted him to be happy no matter what. If it meant being with his x again, or having to pray to a god that I haven't believed in for severel years, that she would be ok, then fine. I tryed to be there for him and hoped she wasn't dead since it would breake him totally.
This whole thing was very hard on me, since I had to live with the fact that she means so much and having to know what could very well happen...

He then wrote to me the next morning that she was fine and didn't really had one scratch on her. Apperently it was just her parents that had been fussing so much about it all. But what made me wonder, was why they had called for lars first. She must have closer friends then that.
Sussie came home with them right away, and lars still spended the night there.

This is why...
I told him when I was crying that saturday, that the whole thing had been bothering me. HE then told me that he just had been so worried about her since she was the girl hed had been the most in love with back then (this is hard for me even to write), and that he could have slept with her that night if he had wanted to, but he hadn't cuz he knew that they just couldn't work together, and that he really didn't wanted our relationship to end.
He then said that I didn't know how much he like me, and that he thought it went really well between us.
I knew he ment it, but I still can't just get it out of my system. I know I can't change anything between him and sussie, and I'm not gonna try. All I can do is try and love him the best I can so he might one day feel the same strong feeling about me, as I feel about him...

I'm still trying to make myself say those three little words to him, but I'm just so scared since I've never said them to ANYONE before. I just mean them more day by day, so I think I chould let him know that I really do love him...

I have a lot of catching up to do...

Tomorrow I'm going to see a doctor with lars about my depresion...
It all started a few days ago when I cut. Lars came over the next night. We had really planned a great evening with movie, popcorn, soda and only candles on. The first part of the evening went great, but then we started kissing and he stroke his hand around on my back. He suddenly stopped when he felt the wounds. He looked me in the eyes and asked me what it was. I could tell in his face that he already knew, and I could also see the fear in his look. I had the words in my mouth, but they wouldn't come out. It was like I froze and saw me from above, like it wasn't me. It just seemed so unreal with the look he gave me. He turned his head away and I could see his eyes got blank and shinny. I sayd to him that I was so sorry and I tryed to make it sound like I deeply ment it like I did. He then asked me what I had done, in a kinda panick voice. He wouldn't let me touch him. I had never felt so scared as in that moment. I could tell he was considering braking it off, but I also knew he wouldn't cuz he had grown such feelings for me. I started telling him about my childhood and about how hard I had it holding all these emotions held up inside, just to keep him from and others from the greaf it would cause. I really can't descibe how hurted he looked, but I'll always have the images clearly in my head. Then he coldly just asked if we couldn't go to sleep. I knew that if we let things go unclosed it would almost be the same as braking up, but I did as he wanted and blew out all the candles and pulled on a night shirt to cover the cuts. Istead of laying streight down besides him, I went to my window and stared out on the stars and the moon. I tryed to get myself together and see things reasonable, but the tears was already starting to apear. I guess lars could hear it, cuz suddenly he streatched out his arms and tolled me to come. Now I couldn't hold 'em back any longer and I started crying more that I had ever done before while he comforted me and sayd we could handle this together and he would be proud if I would let him take some of the weight from all this. I promised him I would get help. I was now crying more tears of relief than sorrow, but this was also a big turning point cuz it was the first time I really felt how wrong this whole thing was and how swlfish I had been. I saw myself in a new way about this. I had finally face the fact that I was sick.

The last three couple of days I have been with him. We have been at the movies, cooking dinner together, bading at the beach and visited his friends. My mum hasn't been so happy about it, cuz I wasn't home to say goodbye to my brother now he is ging to a boarding scholl and wont visit home before in two weeks. So when I came home today, lars went with me inside to make sure I wasn't gonna get attacked by her. I told him on the way over in the car, that the happy girl he saw when I was around him, was only there because he makes me happy. That I can relax and get things on a distance when I'm with him. He smiled and sayd that I made him happy too.

I know all of this sounds so clishé and old school romantik, but I can asure that it's not rapped up. It is how we are around each other right now, so that must mean we are doing great :)

I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow, but as long as I got lars there to hold my hand, then I'm gonna be fine. I feel much better knowing that he'll be there if I schoul need him. But the part I'm most nervous about, is how lars is gonna react to the things he undoubtly is gonna hear. If he can handle the things. What if it is a depression I suffer from?! Will that affect our relationship? I have worned him, that, that mcould be it, but we'll see. Cross youre fingers for me

~maria

I did it again!

When i got home from lars, I was suddenly feeling really depressed. I have been carying worries about my mum, my life and all I've been through and today after seeing how great a family schould be, it just became to much. I went streight to my room and found the vault I keep my raizor blades in. I held t in my hand and looked at it for a while, wondering if it was worth it. I couldn't do it on my arm anymore, so i took my shirt off and started cutting rifts on my back. I made about 10 that looked like I had been scratching myself. I felt terrible cuz I can't hide them from lars. I wrote to lars that I had fainted and that my heart was beating really fast, wich was true except for the fainting. He told me to call someone right away. (I have had stress before, so it was prolly that) All the worries plus the new once about him finding out, had bcome too much. All in all we have been discusing wheather I schould get help or not, so he is forcing me to see a doctor with him.

What have I done!?
The doctor is gonna wanting to listen to my chest and is gonna see the cuts. I've tryed to make lars understand that I wont go till next week, but then he asked me if I didn't care about the once who loves me...
What am I gonna do?!

It feels like my heart is skipping a beat everytime I hear my parents voices, hear the phone ring or think about any of it. I think this is my bodys way of saying that I can't take it anymore. I have to take the fall, even if that means I'm gonna fall a long way...

~maria

I need to get this of my chest!

Today I have very mixed emotions. I'm extremly moody and everything and nothing pisses me off. I've already had this day major fight with my mother. We where having dinner and she started the ullshit about how I dont want lars to come to our house. What does she know!! it's not of her buisness. She was really after me at dinner, so I jsut had enough and took my plate and went from the table. She shouted after me that I wasn't allowed to leave before they were finished. I mumbled it was the most lame rule I had ever heard and that it was only bcuz so she could keep talking down to me.
I don't care what she does now, I don't give a shit about anything...!

another thing...
Yesterday at the party, my best friend deliberadly tryed to cut her arm with a lit from a beer in front of me. She said it was bcuz she was so ugly and stupid. Se was really out there! I took all the lits from her and tryed to give her some selfasteem.
Today she wrote to me if she could come over. I didn't really feel in the mood cuz I know she is gonna start talking about my cuts, and how ugly she thinks she is. I just can't handle it all right now. I'm not the strongest person myself, so I can't help her...
I told her that I was going to a dinner party with my rents, witch is a lie. She is a bit suspecious, but I had to lie, cuz I know that if I just told her that I didn't want to hang out with her, she would take it all wrong and she cant take that when she feels so down.
IK feel so stressed having to lie and hide from everyone, but it's the only way I can manage to come out of this without hurting anyone...

sorry hope you all understands

back

Sorry I haven't been updating so much lately, but there hasn't been much to write about. This week I've been with lars in the summercap again. Besides that I've not been doing a lot with my life.
I went to a party with lars at some of my friends. We both got really drunk. Lars had to puke on the way home in the car, and I had to drag him up to his house. It was kinda imbarasing bcuz he woke up the entire house and his father came and asked me if I dared sleep with him tonight. I'm not afraid of him at anyu point, so I just layd besieds him. He was really sick and was shaking all over, so he asked me if I would hold him untill he fell asleep. I told him I would stay awake and watch out for him if got sick doing the night. I felt such an urdge to say to him that I love him, but was afraid that I only wanted to say that cuz I was drunk, so I did my best to keep the words in.
Earlier on the evening he had old me again that he was falling in love with me, even though he had promissed himself that he wouldn't do that in a girl again. I don't know what went over him, but he started dancing with me outside and really hugged me. I think he was just really drunk, but most ppl say what they really feel when they are drunk so... Maybe that goes for me too about the love thing...

Anyway so fare we are doing great, except for when he brakes a promis. He does that alot, but I really don't think he does it on perpose. He just want's to be so many places at the same time, so he keeps his options open. I hate when he does that, but I always end up forgiving him... (it's a curse!)

~maria