schouldn't/schould

So what now? this is usually the point where i start retreating.. or.. argh why can't i remember?! Feel like it wasn't even me who lived through those relationships before.. Small glimses of what seems to be a morning after with someone unimportnt where i didn't care, are there, but also the shame. This isn't like that. Sometimes i think it would be so much easier to just go back and do what i always did, but a voice in my head tells me I schouldn't.

I've baught razor blades.. I hardly saw myself putting them down in the basket. The urdge is so strong. I don't know why, and I don't feel like figuring it out, cuz then i might not wanna do it. Comming out from the market i sat in the car for a while, stunned. Then i riffled through my bag and found them. I took them out and just sat and drove my finger over the edge. Do i really want to do this? I put them away for now, a voice in my head tells me I schould.

I drove home to my parents as usual, but nobody was home. Maybe I scould have called first, but I don't mind sitting outside waiting for them. If I wanted to I could easily get in through a window. Instead I parked the car and opened up the back. Here i can sit and watch some tv on the computer and drink the cola i brought while the rain softly falls all around the car. It's so peacefull and I can almost fall a sleep here..

Maria

I hate Facebook!!!

(listening to Red - lie to me)


I've tried to go on facebook just to see if my new classmate has written something, but every damn time i end up reading something that ends up ruining my mood. Things that remind me of my past, things that make me feel a little left behind on the bigger scale of things, or worse updates on how my x's new life has turned out. I know everyones life looks a lot better on Facebook than in real life, but come on!?
I'd go back to not using it, if my new friends wasn't so insisting that I'd be on there.

Lately my mom has seemed so small and frail in my eyes. It's and odd feeling. In the past she has always seemed so big and intimidating in my mind. It kind of makes me more over barring with her. Generally we get along really well now. Of course from time to time we have a minor argument, but theres almost a month in-between. It's amazing how far we have come. She's in therapy and i'm good at just ignoring her when she says something she doesn't realize is offensive.
Watching her grow older and older sometimes makes me panic about getting old. Is she even happy? Will I have made something of my life by then, so that i will be happy. Makes my head spin, so better stop thinking about it.

I know a lot of people my age probably prefers being out partying and drinking in the weekends, but I actually like visiting my parents to give them a helping hand and just go around relaxing. Of course some part of me wants to go out drinking and dancing, but only for like and hour or two and then i'd be good ;) Since that's not really possible I enjoy not waking up with a hangover, and fearing to hear about the embarrassing things I did.


Well that's enough for now, I've spent way too much time thinking today, so I need to do something that doesn't require any thought.

`maria

...

I had so much to say today, but for some reason, all the thoughts that has flown through my head all day, seem to have faded.

I started the morning in a bit of a bad mood, but that could just be hormonal or the nightmare I had. It helped to listen to some nickelback in the car. I particular like the song "gotta be somebody". All day i sort felt out of place, and had to make an effort not to let my mood take over. Luckily the people i sat next to are so nice, so I didn't have to sit and secretly be annoyed with anyone.

When i got home, my internet had failed. My next door neighbor from poland, was so sweet to invite me over for coffee, and she told me I could use their internet till i get mine fixed.

Well have to go to bed now.. hoping i'll I have a nice dream to end this day on a more positive note (even as i write that, the bitchy mood i'm in is screaming FUCK positivity and screw cute little ducklings and rainbows) so seriously have to put this day out of it's misery.


`maria

sick

It had to come at some point. The damn flu, hasn't visited me for a very long time by my standards. It was great having Julie over last night even though i felt really bad.
We can just hang out without having to worry about being entertaining or even looking our best. We ended up staying up til 12 watching a movie and talking about random things. Of course i had to get up at six still kinda sick, but I managed to roll out of bed and crawl out to the car.
When i got home I watched 10000 BC to get out of my head for a while. The damn ending always makes me shed a tear, but of course it all ends well.

I then had to rub my self in with various cremes and lotions to make sure my skin follows the weight loss. Standing there almost naked i can't help but look carefully at every part of my body. It's never the same because i lose weight so fast, so i can visibly see every kg (o,5 lbs roughly) that's missing. A half year ago i wouldn't even look in the mirror, but now it fascinates me. It's still not the body i remember, but I don't mind as much. In many ways i feel prettier because i worked hard to get there and i appreciate it more.

I refuse to just lie in bed for the rest of the day, but i might be a bit constricted by my health. Julie want's me to go with her and get her nipple pierced, but other than that i think i'll just watch a lot of movies and see if i can't get my work out done.


`maria

The past

I don't remember if I have told this before, but about a year ago, lars contacted me, and we got to talking again. He has even visited me a couple of times. I can't even begin to describe how fucking good it feels to not feel anything for him anymore. It gives me hope that whenever my heart gets broken, it can actually heal. Now we laugh about the fact that he is a sex addict and that he cheated on me. If you read my blog around the period of the time this happened, I would have never guessed i'd be able to laugh about it. Of course now that he's got a girlfriend, he's not allowed to talk to me, but that's fine. He is a person who can slip in and out of my life with me barely noticing.
I just think it's nice to wrap that chapter of my life up in a neat little bow.

Well not much else i feel like writing right now, just that i'm finally feeling a little proud :)

~maria

One of those days..

..Where everything is kinda sucky.

People seem pointless.  I just need to be in a bad mood for a little while today.

Crap, Crap, crap..

.. it's the words constantly going through my head. I think it's the same principle as when you heard a noise in the dark of the night and you decided to go see what made it.

Please don't let there be a monster :P





~maria~

but wait..

Dunno if it's the sun shining, but i feel somewhat more confident in my self today. There are split seconds where i don't even feel scared. I make sure to enjoy those moments, but at the same time, i keep an eye out for trouble. Right now I live by the saying "it's the silence before the storm" but with an optimistic attitude. Theres a morbit twist though. My safetynet is always knowing if it gets too bad, i could just escape into death. Sounds worse than it is. I'm so rested at the moment, that it would take very much for me to get close to that again. It's just a comfort knowing that I have the power to say stop.

I don't mind being a bit delusional as long as i'm aware of it. Sometimes you just have to believe one thing in order to escape another thing. Like the fact that I put on some weight in order to learn to accept how i looked before wasn't too fat. The fact that i had to feel so much pain in order to truly appreciate the little things.
These are things i kid myself with, to make life make sense.


I think it's time to note, that in this blog, I mostly only write about the darker side of my life. I'm as most people living a life in the grey nuances, where nothing is just black and white. I find people appreciate seeing the lighter side of me, so i vent my other thoughts here.

I have shown this blog to a few chosen people around me, in order to see if they could be trusted with knowing the whole me. Only people who are genuinely interested in me, have passed this little test, but then have a friend for life in me.

When i sometimes read a little through my own blog in order to use the past, as a way to learn from my mistakes, I can easily see and feel the turmoil i went through. I didn't just feel a feeling, i was consumed by it. I think today i posses the skill to be more self aware and notice the signs of this happening before it does, and do something about it. It's an eternal progress, but at least someone held me back and showed me my life. Took a step back, and now pro seeding with care.

Embarrassed

Well baring your heart is never easy. Every time i do I feel like i'm allowing someone to stab me in the stomach. So far nothing good has come from it, but i refuse to let myself hide more from the world. This week i've taken quite a lot of jabs, so i feel tiny and hurt. I'm hoping analyzing what i feel will help me cope a little and put it in perspective.

When i look over my last 2 entries, i can clearly see that i'm was in denial at the beginning and then i hit anger. It makes sense, cuz i am grieving a loss. It's just been a long time coming where i've been stuck in denial. I guess i just needed to be.

This is some material my shrink gave me about the stages of loss:

"1. Denial and isolation
It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock of loss. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain."

I didn't realize till now how severe i have been in denial. But i think that is why i can't really remember a lot of months surrounding my loss, and i can't really make out a timeline of how long it's been since then.

By now some are probably wondering what loss i'm speaking of. It's hard to say specifically cuz there are so many. OVer my period of time where i ran from myself by using drugs, alcohol and partying, I pushed a lot of people away and i lost a lot of good things in my life. I also lost my dog, who had become the only thing holding me down a little. the only thing i was capable of trusting to love me. That happened towards the end of the downward spiral of self destruction. Only weeks before i had lost my boyfriend kim and my love Jesper. I guess i finally hit rock bottom. So then i finally realized briefly what i had lost, only to go into denial. I used the time in denial to develop some skills in handling anxiety, and start my life over from scratch with only my family to socialize with.

"2. Anger

As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at the person you lost. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry."

Well I was angry at the world for a period of time, for no apparent reason. I actually prefer that to how i'm feeling now. But since i didn't socialize with that many people on a daily basis, it usually ended up getting aimed at myself

"3. Bargaining
The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–

• If only we had only done something sooner…
• If only we had done something differently…
• If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…

Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality."


I'm sort of still in this stage, but not as much as before where i felt i needed to structure my day down to every detail.  


"4. Depression
Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about how we will continue a day to day life. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug."


I think i'm about stage 4 at the moment. This stage hit me like a bus. All the sudden i feel like there's a knot in my stomach all the time. I can't quite figure out if i want to cry, hide or sleep. It brought my confidence down below zero, so every hit to my self-esteem is a critical hit. At this point i don't know how i will recover unless fate throws something good my way. I'm hoping to fall in love again, cuz it's the only feeling that can really overpower this one, but i'm too afraid to take the risk.


"5. Acceptance
Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Loss may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression."


I hope to reach this stage soon, and though it says not everyone reaches it, i have to believe that i will. Somewhere further down the line i have to hope for a happy ending. Otherwise it would have all been for nothing. Just the fact that i've already made this much progress is a good sign.

Making this observation has helped me a little tonight, so it did what i needed.
I'll go to bed soon. I always dream, and lately my dreams a haunted with images of my past. going through painfull memories at night help me to avoid them a little doing the day. oddly enough I have begun to fantasies a little about how it would be having a boyfriend again, but i usually do everything in my power to avoid that. It'll only lead to getting my hopes up just to be crushed again. still...