Back where i started..

I felt really bad yesterday, cuz it had all just bottle up inside of me, and in a way I felt betrayed by my causin for telling her mother that I'm doing drugs, so now everyone in my family knows except my own mother. It all just feels so out of hand. I've quit my normal job and got a new one at a gasstation in the town I live in. All these changes just scare me, and it feels like im svimming in my clothes and they're dragging me down. Its tough to keep fighting, but I'm not giving up. You all just gotta get that into your head. I've fought for over 4 years now, so too soon to give in.
Well I felt really bad and went to bed early. Kim came in and held me and asked me if I wanted to talk about it. It's not easy for me to just open up, but I tried. He then made the mistake of saying that he had known lots of girls who had problems with their mother. I just felt like he was saying that it wasn't such a big deal cuz a lot of other girls feel that way. I just felt so mad, cuz it felt as if he was saying i've been through hell and all just because I'm to sensitive.
I just pushed him away and lay awake for a couple of hours. Then I went to the bathroom and cut. the next morning we hardly spoke, till he finaly asked me if i couldn't stop being so sad, because it was unbearable. I showed him the cuts. I think it shocked him a little bit. He has seen my cuts before, but it still gets to him. He sad staring into the air for a while, then he said he just didn't understand what was so horrible in my life, so I could do that.

I've been to the shrink twice now. I don't really feel it has helped, but it has clearefied a lot of things. One of those things is how much I really care about Kim. In a way he understands me, and has acomplished to make me feel a little better about myself. I'm never insecure around him, cuz I know how much he cares about me. It was hard and I thought a long about it, but I've finally said those three little words to him.

For those who don't know then here's a little update of what's happened in my life;
I've dropped out of school, and starting a new edjucation in august. I just need some time to get my feet back on the ground, and I think I'll just get a parttime job ekstra untill then. My biggest concern is no longer school, but to get well before it gets any worse..

^Maria

Update..

Since the last time I updated I've gotten my tattoo and added another year to my ass, and I've started excersicing like crazy. I've baught this bike and a dancingmat for my ps2, so now I excersice atleast 30 minuttes a day, and that way can allow myself to eat a little more without feeling guilty.
My depression is doing worse than ever. I'm maybe at school 2 days out of the week and never doing myt homework. I just can't get my act together and having a mother who won't get back isn't exactly helping.
I have suicide thoughts on a daily basis, but I'm even to exhausted to do any more about it. I don't even cut, cuz I don't want Kim to get worried. He doesn't even know about the skipping school just so he won't be worried. That would just be another thing on my caunsion, and one more thing would just brake me completly.
At the same time I recognize the whole thing from the last months with Lars. It's the same crappy feeling that made me brake up with him.
I'm having my first session with my shrink this wednesday. It's gonna be interesting to see if he can help me. I have a small hope, cuz otherwise I'm just gonna sink into this deeper and deeper. Cuz I'm deadly serious when I'm saying that this isn't just a nother bad patch.. I may seem happy and chearfull on the outside, but I'm jsut to proud to cry for help, and in a way afraid that no one takes me serious.
I'm so irritated at everyone that doesn't know anything about this. I'd rather push them away than have the burden of them worrying on my schoulders.. But am I pushing Kim away before he even got the chance to get close..?
Maybe I schould become an alcoholic. The only time I'm "happy" is when I'm drunk

Well got nothing more for today to talk about

^maria