three days later..

The chok has layed off now. I told Lars the same day I found out, and he is being very suportive about this. Obviously i want an abotion, and Lars went with me to the doktor. The doctor confirmed that i was about 6 weeks along and then he wrote an application for an abortion on the hospital. My teacher told me that I could take all the time i need after the abortion whitout getting any absence.
I try not to think about it too much. I'd rather not see it as a child i'm carrying, but as a medical condition...
I'm fearing that it's gonna be though on me afterwards, but i trust my mentality to just forget it.. lock it up and hide it away.

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

As if things wasn't bad enough! I'M PREGNANT!!

The chok after seeing the testresults hasn't passed over yet.. I'm realy Chokked! How the f... could this happen?!

The only thought that keep coming back in my mind is how am I gonna keep my mother from knowing this.

DAMN!

Secrets

My mother found my pills a little week ago. Ever since I've tried to keep out of the house. I just don't have the strength to deal with that now. I'm at the point were my soul feels so tired, I won't even try to protect my secrets. I had to give my mother an ultimatum. I told her in a sms that if she didn't leave me alone, she would not be in my life when i move out. I had to tell her once more, that all her so called "concerne"ever gave me, was a depretion. I've been given permission to recieve full student grant which means that I can afford moving out. The only catch, is that I have to get my mothers signature...
I can't take living home any more. I need to find pease. I've realized that i've been trying to find it in the wrong places. Maybe my heart won't find pease till it stops beating. I've revealed two big secrets to Lars lately. It wasn't my intension, but when you're not trying hard enough to hide it, you just can't prevent it. He has taken them much better than expected, and that has made me think, that maybe I have actuatly been selling him short. He seems to be the only possitive thing in my life right now, but I still can't find pease with him. Tomorrow we have been together for two years... When I take a walk back memorylane, then the only thing I can remember is a lot of pain. I've been through so much, in those years. I've tried taking my life 3 times, I've lost my best friend, I've cut, I've lost over 20 kg with diet pills, had a depretion, switched job 3 times and lost any realationship I might have had with my mother...

Over all then it's been a pretty turbulant two years. I'm thinking about telling Lars about the diet pills. I don't think he'll take this as well as the other secrets, but I think it's better he hears it from me, than from my mother. I'm just sick of playing an act for people, who can't except who I am and what I do...

I sick of secrets even though there is one he will never know.. Since it's not something I regret or feel bad about, then it's not even a secret. More a memorie

^Maria