What has happened?!

I feel like a split person. On one hand I’m the perfect school girl, who can’t seem to do anything wrong. On the other side I’m still a lost girl who isn’t even sure if I wanna live or keep my non-cutting pact… But as long as I’m only confused I’m not gonna do either of the things

My “best” friend Christina, who has no clue of what I’ve been through, is constantly trying to ague with me. She wants to ague about simple everything from witch gum flavour I prefer to witch way to enter a door. I hate it; I’m not ready to face normal school life yet. I miss something in my life. I don’t know what exactly but I wish I had a clue.
My mom and I are acting like nothing is wrong, but at every chance we get, and then we fight. My dad is really inside anymore, and I can’t blame him, its hell in my house.

What I ate today:
2 bananas
A pack of gum
1 kit Kat
6 energy bars (low fat)
1 ice cream
1 steak and some potatoes
2 bananas
1 cop of chocolate
1 chocolate muffin

As you can see I binged a couple a times today, once at work and then again later on the evening.
I hate it and I wish I could just stop eating!!!

I’m here without you…

Yesterday my mom had been going through all my stuff in my room. She found one of my poems and a book about suicide under my bed. Luckily she can’t get into my vault where I keep my pills and stuff. She confronted me with the book (that’s how I found out) She asked me what she was gonna do with me (well mom try learning to accept me!!) She suggested that I would be place in a closed institution. NO WAY!! If there is anyone who is gonna go there then it’s her :´(
She thinks that I’m reading the book about suicide just to figure out a way to do it (which was true) but my brilliant lies saved me again. I told her that it was just another one of my morbid obsessions (since I was little I have loved horror and death. Every time someone died in a movie I was just fascinated or falling down my chair of excitement) she believed my story and left me alone, but she took my key to my room.
Later on the evening she suddenly acted real friendly and as if nothing had happened (well she had “only” messed through all my stuff and looked in my garbage) I had to try and make up with her so I didn’t act mad just played hard to get (hard to fool ;) )

I’ve been writing with Lars again. One day we started talking about us. He actually told me that he really cares about me, cuz I kept appearing in his head. Ever since things has been weird about us. We seem to flirt and act like to pair of ppl that likes each other. He picks me up every time I fall to peaces. He is not good at acting fast, but he can make me think of other things just like that. I’m going to a party this Saturday. My friend who is holding the party says that Lars is gonna be there some of the time. I really hope so. It would give me the chance to either show him that I’m over him (I’ve already found the perfect victim to flirt with) or maybe get to talk to him, and start things up again. I don’t know before I’m standing there in front of him. I’m not even sure which way I prefer, but I’m here without the one guy who constantly pops up in my head.
Today I even kept thinking how that particular situation would be like if we where together, and I ran in to him twice in a day.
Today has been a perfect normal day, well normal as in before I became what I am today. My dad and me got to be home alone for a couple of hours, and I actually found out that he is a pretty funny and cool dad. All I ever wanted in a parent. He doesn’t surveillance me and treats me like a 13 year old. He talks to me like he does to adults. Thank you dad!
To bad he isn’t like that when my mother is home :´(

I hope he his hurting the same way that I did!

I sent Lars a text message that would look like I meant to send to another guy. I just wanted to make him jealous, or make him hurt. It apparently worked cuz he hasn’t written back on my last message. I don’t know, sometimes I feel like I can feel what he is feeling. Maybe it’s just my intuition telling me what I can’t se for myself. There are sometimes so many signs that he really cares about me, but lately he has been rejecting me and even been laying to me… But I see through him like glass, analysing his every word and move.
I hate it but I can’t help doing it. He means a lot to me, even though he has put me through so much pain. I can’t take it anymore, so I decided to do something that would clarify his feelings for me.
I want him to hurt while knowing that I’m not gonna wait around for him always.
I’m so close to cutting again. I thought about doing it several times today, and I’m still thinking about doing it, but should I let Lars have a chance to keep from doing it again? Or should I tell him afterwards and hurting him even more, although it might make him stop talking to me…?

I don’t know where this anger all the sudden came from. I just know that I’m really mad at him today, thinking back at those lies he told me yesterday.
I swear if he was here I wouldn’t know if I would hit him or kiss him.

Otherwise, my life sucks here at home. I’m distant and fighsty as always. Nothing seems to wake me interest. The food seems boring and tasteless, and my parents are irritating me no matter what they do.

I’ll keep fighting for not to cut, but I no longer have a reason not to, so why bother…

I've tried…


I promise you all that I would try. I tried so hard to get well. I don’t really have the energy to write about it all tonight, but to summit it up: Lars got me to wanna live again; I found a reason to live. My passion for him grew this weak, even though I skipped a couple of day at school to have time to find out if killing myself really was the answer, when he in some miraculous way gave me the flame back. I saw life green and light as you all see it everyday. I wept over such beauty that I had missed going around soaking for two years. I got a taste of the life I bled for. Now all I wanna do now, that my wounds are healed, is to get back in that security. How could I fool myself believing that he cared and that anybody cared?
I play tricks on everyone’s mind, but understand this: I don’t do it to hurt you, just to survive and protect you from the pain I cause to all that I love.
I can’t help it, it’s my curse. Therefore I’m not worthy of the gifts I so wrongly was given. People tell me that I’m beautiful and have a beautiful mind. I keep hearing this no matter who I ask. I wont admit this to myself, cuz I guess I deep down long to think that my mother is right, and hasn’t said all those things just to hurt me.
This night is poetically hard on me. I wrote to Lars and asked for his help. I wrote to him that I needed his company to keep me from cutting. He did what I had feared so much, he chose his best friend over me. I know that his friend had trouble with his girlfriend, but it wasn’t something that would get in the way of his life. Lars hasn’t even written to me, asking if I’m still all right.
I know now that I love him. I’ve just been kidding myself all along. I wouldn’t admit, that needing a person so much that he or she became you’re entire reason to live, was what love really is about.

Some may say that life has been unfair to me, and that I deserve better, but I know that with the resources I have been given in birth, then I should be able to be the most happy person on this planet. I had every chance to become what we all crave for so much, but something went wrong. I chose pain and death over joy and life.
I’ll never trust a person enough again to wanna stop the one thing I find peace in. Every time I seem to let myself be carried by a friend, then he drops me, and I brake.

Can I ever trust someone to save me again?

There is basically not much to write about today. My life suck and we all know it now. I came even closer to take the pills. This time I ended up sitting with them in my hand, 25 white pills. I even wrote a message on my phone to Lars that I was gonna end this, but then I came to think that there was so many I wanted to say proper goodbye to. The list became to long and I realized that it would take some planning this thing. DAMMIT! I knew there was gonna be some ties that would hold me back.
Therefore to remove a couple I’m gonna write a goodbye note here, just so it’s done:

Don’t be sad if I’m one day not here anymore, life moves on. I have no real regrets in my life, nothing I would like to undo. I don’t remember much from my childhood, except that the first 12 years was great. I don’t really know at which point things started going wrong, I guess it’s bcuz I’ve always been different then that mask you all see, and it became to much for me that you like it more than the real me. Not that that is the basic reason, just the thing that triggered most of my problems.
I found a few ppl in this world that I felt I could tell how I really felt, and if it wasn’t for them, then I would have felt all alone and wrong. I would properbly had killed my self much sooner.
My only request is that someone will tell my parents about all this when I’m gone. Make them see why I did it.

Love Maria

Remember this note if I’m suddenly is gone, but till then I’m gonna keep this stupid live going and keep pretending to be someone else…

Life can be so cruel sometimes. I don’t know if it’s me who invites pain and misery into mine, but at the moment it just seems to keep coming down on me.

I tried to drown my sorrows at a party yesterday. I simple had a plan to drink till I became numb. Not a care in the world. I wanted to let go and be like everyone else, so what did I do? I flirted and drank. This constant search, for something that feels like love, looks like love; it’s slowly starting to remove the little part of dignity I got left. Is it worth it?
At the party ppl were enjoying them selves. It was really a success party. 2 ppl went down at 1 am, but nobody threw up. I got really drunk after an hour, and ppl kept giving me more and more to drink. I lured booze out of some random guys, it was so easy. This boy who I know likes me pretty much, was also trying to say something to me at the party, but I turned him down and gave him a lame excuse for not having the time to listen. I knew what he was gonna say, so I would rather not having to reject him again and in that way hurt him. As drunk as I was I didn’t realize that I already was hurting him pretty bad. I heard later today that he cried a lot afterwards. I feel so miserable for hurting him like that. He doesn’t deserve it and I don’t deserve his affection.
I started talking to four of my best guy friends. They all agreed that if they were my boyfriend, then they wouldn’t constantly brake up with me like Lars does. They would keep me, and be proud of me (their words). I felt a strange emotion at that time. Something I hadn’t felt for a long time. I felt appreciated. I believed in those few seconds that everything ppl say I am is true, but the feeling disappeared when I received a message from Lars. For some reason he makes me feel like I’m not good enough. It’s not something that he says, that makes me feel that way, but it is knowing that he doesn’t want me.
This boy who I know likes me pretty much, was also trying to say something to me at the party, but I turned him down and gave him a lame excuse for not having the time to listen. I knew what he was gonna say, so I would rather not having to reject him again and in that way hurt him. As drunk as I was I didn’t realize that I already was hurting him pretty bad. I heard later today that he cried a lot afterwards. I feel so miserable for hurting him like that. He doesn’t deserve it and I don’t deserve his affection.
Of curse I invited Lars over to the party. He was at another party in a city a little away from here. Even so he took a cap and drove to the party I was at. It coasted him 300 kr. (30 pounds) and he only arrived when the most ppl had gone home. It confuses me more then ever. Why does he do this just to see me, when he apperantly doesn’t like me enough to wanna be with me?
We went to my place after making sure that a very drunk friend of mine got home safely.
We talked about a lot of different things, I’m not exactly sure of what, but mostly about us (that doesn’t exist) When we got to my room I put on a video and laid my head on his chest. I can’t remember what started it, but all the sudden we started kissing. Things lead to another and the next thing you know I wasn’t a virgin anymore.
The one principle I had the one last dignity I had left. He took it, not by force, but still. I feel so slutty, now that my first time was a one night stand, but I don’t regret it. I’m glad it was with someone I at least like.
Now that I’ve given him everything I can give him, and he still doesn’t want me, then I feel so worthless, so empty and unimportant. Am I really that plane and boring?

I’ve almost found out where my mother is hiding the big pill glass. She fetched me one earlier today bcuz I got hangovers, and I barely heard where she has hidden them. So close in every way

I’ll update my blog tomorrow as usual, and if not, then there is something keeping me from it… you know what… *hugs*

As I said yesterday, then I went to the pharmacy to buy the pills I’m gonna use someday, but when I got there I spotted razor blades of the kind that doesn’t come with a shaver. I thought to myself that I had to have them (the once with the shaver can’t cut deep enough), but I had to choose. I think the clerk would get suspicious if I bought those and a bottle with 100 pills in. I chose the blades, but I’m gonna get the pills tomorrow. I’m not giving up this idea. I feel so trapped without my last resort under my bed, ready to set me free.
The new razor blade is really sharp, just by caressing the skin, it cuts through and makes it bleed. It would be so easy…

It’s now 3 months since my last suicide attempt, and I’m already back in that ditch again. Life seems more beautiful than ever, and that hurts. Knowing that something so beautiful can be so wrong! Maybe I’m just supposed to fail this thing called life. My mom certainly thinks I’m a failure. I came home and found a note from her saying don’t do anything wrong (she means drugs or something like that) WTF! I’m not doing drugs. She has this idea that I’m up to something bad, and she’s right, but she doesn’t know the extent of it.

I have to live a double life now, at school I’m just as popular as I always is. No one could see what I’m really feeling if they wanted to. I’m so good at acting and lying that I don’t even look depressed.

I made 3 new cuts and cut the four old ones. That makes it my 25th cut. How did this come so fare?!
It bleed pretty much, so I watch the blood run slowly down my pale skin. I started writing “hate myself” with the blood on the bathroom floor. I couldn’t hold my tears back so I started crying sitting in the shower with the water running and all my clothes on.


I binged 3 times today, I’m thinking of trying to purge again, maybe this time I’ll get it cuz I’m home alone. I’ll update this Blog when I’ve tried.

Hugs to ya all

This morning when I woke up, I felt more depressed then I’ve ever done in six months. I was sad no matter what. If it hadn’t been because I had to go to school, I would have killed myself today. I’m that close now... I kept thinking on how it would be like after I was gone, and I kept trying to notice everything that went on around me, as if it was the last time I was gonna see it.
When I finally got to school I had no energy left to be social. I kept feeling extremely tired even though I had got all the sleep I needed.
I so badly wanna just quit on everything now, not just cut.
I went 12 hours between every meal today. I think I’m gonna keep that rhythm till I can stop eating for 24 hours and so on.

I’m actually planning on buying the pills tomorrow, just have them ready. The situation at home is getting worse. My mom suspects me for everything now. No matter what I do then there is something wrong with me. Then she says I’m on drugs, sleeping with all the guys, not making my homework, online to much, not eating, eating too much, not helping enough around the house. I could keep making examples just from today.

People who doesn’t know bugs the hell out of me. They are so ignorant and superficial. Even my teachers bug me more than usual. I can’t concentrate and I can’t focus that long.

What went wrong!?

This day started out so great. I hadn’t eaten in 15 hours, but then I bought a banana and a bun. I ate the banana but only the half bun. 9 hours later I’m eating dinner with my parents. For some reason I couldn’t help myself. I ate two tacos. They didn’t have so many calories, but still. The only bright side about it is that my parents no longer suspect me for starving myself (I’ll just exercise it away)

Later on the evening I tried to purge/puke/throw up call it what ever you want. I couldn’t do it but I was so close. I was desperate to get the tacos out of my system, so I found a pro-ana site on the web and read a few tips about how to throw up. I want to be able to do it so badly. Until I learn I have to keep starving myself, and in order to prevent myself from binging, I have made a scrap book with pictures of myself and skinny models. That way I can compare with them and lose the urge to binge. I call the scrap book “thinspiration”. I’ll write a lot of tips on how to keep the lust and hunger away. I hope it works!

I’ve never looked better than now. My skin is clean and my make-up is perfect. But I still think I’m ugly… I don’t have any self esteem. I’m still fat and I’m still depressed. What’s wrong?! Why am I not happy?
I just wanna die! – I think about it more and more often. The only thing that keeps my occupied enough till it passes is my new obsession with food… I’m even starting to dream about it, and imagine how my farewell notes and funeral is gonna be. I know that I’m gonna need help soon, but I can’t get it… My parents won’t let me get it, and I don’t wanna tell them if I’m not gonna get anything out of it. Another day alone in my room can be fatal

I don’t want you to worry about me, what ever is gonna happen it will be in my own free will, and I’ll be happy

TOday I flushed my breakfast. It was the first time I did that, but I know now that it isn't going to be the last. My mom is getting suspecious. She forces me to eat, but I manage to avoid it by staying out of the house.
I got my BMI today. It's on 20 when i lose 2 kg more it will be 19 and thats underweight - yay!

I'll try not to eat more today but it's so hard I ate a bag of veingums in the cinema :(
Fortumeatly I didn't have to eat dinner so it's easy not to eat anything else today

After I had been to the cinema with my friend, we walked around in Viborg (a kinda big city). It was nice seeing that guys still looks my way when I walk by them. Twice they even stopped their car and started talking to me. In a way I want this, but I know that it's just to feel wanted, not because i'm interested in them. I do what men do so often with women, I objectify them... DAMN!

I'm saying goodbye to me and Lars's relationship tonight... It's not in my good will, but I know that I can't stay in the same track much longer. It's a shame though - I really liked him, but I can also see how this is best for him, and I only want was best for him.

I'm still not sure weather I schould show him this blog, but I can't explain all this to him again. It takes time. Afterall I did write a post for him yesterday... I think i'll show him tonight if he want's to read it...

I hate my life more then ever before…

Lars wrote to me last night. He told me he needed a brake again, but since I had already made it clear that I didn’t want that, so then he broke it off, for the last time. He told me the truth this time… He was still not ready for a relationship, after the last one he had, that was a disaster. He also told me (not in words, but that is what I think) he only kept getting together with me because he knew, that if he didn’t then I would find another guy and he would lose this for good. I can understand his actions completely, but I just wish he would have considered the fact, that someone like me can’t handle this. I need stability, not these ups and down that I suffer under daily.
I no longer wish to hurt him, since he is already hurting. In fact I wish that he would get over it and move on. I am starting to see everything clearly. I’ll miss being told that I’m sweet and beautiful, cuz that’s what I need to hear in order to believe it myself.

So my mom doesn’t think I’m gonna freak out again and cut, I told her that it was me who broke up. I don’t need her to fuss and wanting to check my body all the time. This whole thing has just brought so many problems. If she finds out that I’m cutting, then she is gonna send me to foster care.

I wish that someone would bring me back to life, give me a reason to live again.
I’m a poisoned reptile. I flirt to lure them into my trap. I use them until they are so damaged that I have no need for them anymore.
I do all this out of selfish reasons. I need to feel loved, to feel wanted. I don’t escape from my life by drinking or taking drugs, I fool my self into thinking sex is love. I sometimes take myself in thinking that I would do anything to find this “love” that I so crave for. I would even lie and force myself to do stuff with a guy just to hear those few words.
Why should I not be able to do this, I’m already dead inside.
The little girl who I used to be isn’t gone she is just trapped. Trapped in a dark dusty place, where no one can find her again.

I want you to know this Lars if you are reading my Blog:
I read the first time that you wanted to brake up, when my cat hat just died. I needed an ear, a shoulder to cry on, but you reacted by braking it off. At the time I didn’t know the real reason cuz you protected me from it with a lie. Deep down I’m grateful for that now, cuz it could have been the push over the edge, but my hart still froze to ice and I stopped eating and sleeping for a long time afterwards. You really meant a lot to me back then. Hell I even think I had begun to fall in love with you. A week passed by and we started talking again over msn. I made it seem like I was in the best mood ever. I showed you the side you first saw and probably fell for, and then I started flirting. I made you see another side that I hadn’t use for so many years. I guess this was the time where you thought I was over you and ready to move on and find another guy. I’m only guessing, but tell me if I’m wrong. You panicked and thought you need to act fast before I slipped away. We sat up a date at my house. It was exactly 2 weeks and one day since we broke up. We had some to drink and I got a little drunk. The rest you know, but all in all we started up again. The next day was hard on us both. I know that now. I was depressed and scared that you would hurt me again, so I cut to create the pain before you did. I luckily felt better after a couple of days and I became happy again. When we finally had pasted a week I told you that I now felt secure with you again and that I wanted us to get “serious”. I wanted to take the last step, not because I felt forced or anything, but I had found THAT feeling again. You told me that you wanted us to wait until we knew each other a little better. My theory is that you already at this point knew you couldn’t stay in a relationship much longer, so you knew that taking the last step would only make it harder on me.
The next day you wrote to me that you wanted to take a brake. This time something died in me. I felt so useless, why couldn’t he just love me? I was sure now that such a thing didn’t exist for me. My parents don’t love me and no else does. I crave for this feeling. I linger and bleed trying to achieve it. I’m so desperate that I find myself flirting with guys I don’t even like, just to feel loved, even if it’s just sex, It’s all I deserve.

After a week I start acting like I was over you again. I was my old self. The Easter party came up and you saw me like the girl I am around my friends. You even saw me flirting, lucky you didn’t hear what I said. I don’t do this in a relationship, but I knew this was the only way to get you back. Without realizing it, I forced you to be with me… I made it obvious that I didn’t want to be single much longer, no matter the prise.
You know the rest of the story, but do you know that my capability of loving a guy was gone. I was already broke. I can no longer trust a guy, and without trust there can never be love.
We have now been together exactly 2 weeks if you erase all the brakes, 3 if you count the week we were on a brake. That isn’t long, but I’ll always remember it. You really changed me, and also saved my life at first, even though I’m back at the point I started at when we first meet.
I only want to remember the good moments we had together, cuz they where priceless.
-Waking up at night when I had a nightmare, but seeing you laying besides me, and holding me close when I froze, made me calm down and sleep better then I’ve done for a long time.
-Waking up with you and seeing you with those cute glasses.
-Talking to you even though you had fallen a sleep again
-Talking to you in that chair, and while we were watching a movie, and when we walked beside each other after a party.
- sitting in my coach listening to you telling me about you’re life.
- flirting with you over the phone, msn and at work.
- The way we found each other is a funny story in it selves
- Knowing when you where gonna call and write to me in the middle of the night
- telling my friends about you
- arguing about who made the song Amish paradise and me teasing you with the car accident and that I always exchange you’re beloved city with Fjelsø (a very small city)
- being reminded of you when: I hear something about you city, smelling my pillow, listening to techno, seeing the movies we saw, being in Hobro, Stumbling over one of you’re pictures, looking at the string on my curtain and a lot of other things.
At many points I did some things I had never tried before, with you, and you made me like it. I guess many aren’t as lucky as me.
- Thank you
- And forgive me for hurting you…


Later on the evening I cut myself again it was my 13th cut but my 7th wound. this time a new cut ubove the others on my arm. I also binged, but I panicked afterwards so I tried to throw up, but I couldn't. I know I'm gonna succeed soon, and then I'll be able to seriously start loosing weight - yay!
I went running to. I ran up the dark road wich leads to my house. I kept running til my chest aced so badly I could hardly breathe, but my stomach was empty afterwards so now I can go to sleep with a clear consience...


I think a lot about how i'm gonna end this life. will it be an OD or from slitting my wrist?
I'm not really depressed just tired of life...
But i'm not going before I've said goodbye to everyone so don't worrie - you'll know...

I was too drunk…

I’m sorry I haven’t been writing for a long time, but I can take myself together when I’m getting a little better (or I think I am anyway)

Thursday I went to this huge Easter party in my town. I and my best friend Christina first went to a pre-party with 5 other girls and her big bother and sisters 6 friends. I had been in Germany that day, so I had bought a lot of alcohol. I was writing (sms) with Larson all day, flirting like hell (I can’t help it, but I flirt a lot, it’s a sort of self-confirming act, that’s supposed to give me confidence, but it doesn’t)
I had been out buying new clothes, watch and make-up. All in all I spent over a thousand crowns (Danish coin) that day.
When I got to the pre-party I started drinking right away. I didn’t care about myself, I just wanted to get drunk and fast. On the outside I was happy and in a party mood, but on the inside I was a nervous wreck. I was nervous because Lars was gonna be there and a bunch of other guy I had been flirting with. What was I gonna say to them all? No one knew that me and Lars had gone on a brake…
When it was finally time to get to the party, I was so drunk I could hardly stand by my self. Inside the building the party was held in, there was already a lot of people, and I was hardly through the door before I met 100 of my friends and people I know through them. Everywhere there was people wanting a hug and wanting to know where “my boyfriend” was. I just told them that he wasn’t here yet (which was true) but I left out the brake part. I decided to go dancing with some friends. While I was dancing, people were still coming for a hug and to hear how everything was.
All the sudden I spotted Lars by the entrance. I panicked and tried to hide behind a friend, but I knew it was hopeless so I changed my plan. I found some guys whom I know like me and I started talking to them, flirting and hugging them. I knew Lars was gonna see it, and he did. All the sudden he accidentally bumped into me. Apparently he also knew the guys I was talking to. We said hallo to each other and I gave him a hug. Then he went over to some other friends. I remember thinking that I didn’t really want him back cuz I felt like I could get anyone I wanted (I think it was because I was drunk). I started dancing again, but this time it was more sensual. I danced very close up by a friend, and I could see Lars was looking my way sometimes. At this point I only cared about the party. I felt the way I did in seventh grade when none of my problems had begun yet.
Busy in my own thought, I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder, and there was Lars, standing with a beer. I took a sip of it with confident, looking at him like I didn’t care about what had happened between us. I guess he saw me as the girl everyone likes, cuz he asked me if he could talk to me outside. Drunk as I was, I agreed to go with him, but on the way to the exit I (on purpose) hugged a lot of my guy friends.
Outside he asked me right away, what we should do about us. I at first was acting like it was up to him and that I really didn’t cared, but meanwhile I was thinking: YES! YES! Cuz this was exactly the kind of confirmation I craved for. A guy who was to attracted to me to stay away from me.
He started explaining why he went on a brake the last time and how he would like to try again. I knew that he probably was only saying this cuz he was physical attracted to me, and I knew that I really just wanted to have a boyfriend for the look of things. I don’t really like him in that way any more. We agreed to be together again. But one thing that still lies in the back of my mind is this little thing he said before we went inside again. He said “Okay so now we are a couple again, so let’s go inside ad party on, and I think that you should talk to all the boys you want to and see if you still want me afterwards, cuz you know that you can get anyone you want, so I want you to be sure before it gets serious”
WTF did he mean by that?!

It makes me wonder if he said that so the same thing would go for him, or if he really meant it. But I did as he said. I found two boys from my class and walked around with them. I got drinks from them and I flirted as usual.

I ended up with Lars anyway. I went with him home and we slept together (not as in sex) the next morning I just laid there in his arms. I was happy in a way, cuz I got what I wanted (I always do), but I still didn’t feel anything. No butterflies in my stomach or something like that.
Last night he stayed over night at my place, and I told him that I wouldn’t give him another chance if he broke up with me again. I think he got the message.
Forcing your self to be with someone you’re not in love with can really get you down, so I cut myself yesterday, an hour before he came. I managed to cover it with a shirt and he didn’t see it.
I’m beginning to realize that I have to test him. I’m gonna see what he does when I show him my cuts and what he is gonna do if I call him up when I’m really down and wants to cut. I want to do this so I can see how much he cares about me. We have to get a little closer first so that it will really hurt him. In a way I want to se him suffer, the way he made me suffer.


It’s a different story with my parents now. My mom is accepting Lars as a part of my world now. My dad is really anxious to get to know him, but I won’t let neither of them getting to close to him yet, I’m still afraid that it will hurt to much when it’s over again (cuz I know that it’s not gonna last)

Btw I’m down to 62,3 kg but I just binged and ate 150 grams of chocolate :(

I’ll keep writing how it goes

How can I explain this right…?

I’m at the state where I’m getting abstinences from cutting. I want to CUT! But the ones I can count on holds me back. Wraps me in their arms and hold me warm from this blizzard of cold ice daggers. Nice to know someone cares and isn’t scared and repulsed by me.
I’m planning to stay up a long time tonight watching a movie or two, but I’m so tired all the time. I have no energy left.

I was also taking this quiz on the I-net. It told me I was extremely depressed and should seek professional help. The results didn’t surprise me at all. I have been really down lately. I’m supposed to bee happy since its Easter brake.
What’s wrong with me?!
I now know that it isn’t mainly the thing with Lars that’s keeping me down; it’s more the future… Will I ever meet someone loyal? Someone who won’t leave me like that all the time?

Today I was talking to a very good friend from exasko on msn, and he kept me from cutting twice today. We were talking about how ppl like us feels and is misunderstood by others. He can really put words to all my feelings, and he made me realize something’s I didn’t want to admit to myself. I’m addicted to life… I don’t want to live, but I can’t help having a hope that something good can happen so I stay alive on the hope.

A smart thing I said today:
Knowing evil does not make you feel safe

It means that when you lean something you either like or dislike makes you fear it coming back or long for it to come back… You will never be satisfied. Knowing how it feels to be held in guy’s arms at night, being safe and cared about makes you crave for it again…

I hope I’ll make it again tomorrow... forgive me everyone if I don’t make it trough the night, but it is long, cold and lonely now that I know how it could be…

Why…?!

Must I go down that road again? It’s like I’m drowning in the middle of the ocean, with nothing but a lifeguard. I have to fight to stay on it, and when I finally get up on it,
I fall off, having to fight even harder to stay alive. Sometimes it makes you wanna give up and just let go.

This time I allowed myself to become happy again. I felt this huge bliss, but I knew from experience that whenever I do that, all bad things come back three fold.
I know it sounds odd, but I felt it coming yesterday, and to prevent it from hitting too hard, I cut (that’s why I did it yesterday)…
I broke down crying afterwards, realizing what I had done, but I was right… A lot of bad stuff happened today. Lars and I went on a brake; I got into a fight with my mom. All of this was happening on my best friend birthday; I had to keep on a smiling face for her sake.
I took her out for dinner, bought her a present and went to my place were we saw two movies (to movies about happy, never ending love) All the time I kept thinking what had I done…
After she went home, I started crying uncontrolled… It changed into a rage. I threw my stuff around, screamed into my pillow and sad staring up on the dark sky.
I couldn’t eat anything; I kept feeling sick every time I saw food. My self-confidence was gone completely. I felt that if I would loose weight, then maybe “someone” would care about me again…
All I wanna do now is sleep, escaping this world. Flying of into a new and better one that would only go as I wanted it to, but somehow they all turned into nightmares. Scary monsters scared off the people around me. Leaving me behind to join them…

I have promised a lot of people that I would stop cutting, and I will… It is a selfish act witch hurt the ones around me more then me. I have finally realised that they don’t make anything better, but worse. They no longer relief’s me from the pain; I know now what does…

I’m finally back…

This week has been really stressful. I have had so much to do and so little time to do it. It’s all in a blur, as if it wasn’t me. I was all the sudden this happy girl who seemed to have everything under control. Well I used to anyway… Back then everything was so simple. Just as I thought, this girl is the one who is popular and funny. She even won a poll about who was the class best friend…

My urge to cut is even bigger than before, but I can’t. I’m afraid that Lars will hate me, and turn away from me. Even though I’ve promised hi that I would tell him when I’m really down, then I can’t get my self to do it, cuz he has a life to live and I don’t wanna take the blame of pulling him away from it. How can I!?

SHIT!!! I did it anyway. In a weak moment I grab my key and unlocked this little box 'i have, full of raizorblades, pills and pictures, And I took a razorblade and cut my arm again. That was my 9th and 10th cut... I tried to contact Lars, but he didn't write back. I know there could be a lot of good reasons for that, but I kept thinking that maybe he didn't wanna talk to me... I'm so down at the moment... It seems like a million years until tomorrow where we are together again.

My weight is down to 63,1 kg So far so good right?
Now I only need 6 kg more.

What: I ate today:

12:00 2 bun and an apple
that’s all I’m gonna eat today, but i'm going to a family bithday so it's gonna be hard not to eat :(

This page is moving soon to this adress: www.mydiary.dk (so that I can show you pictures, poems and etc)
That's all i'm gonna tell ya today, but I promise to keep this updated.