This body..

..produced a child since last. It is strong and has been through so much. It deserves my respect. Behind the foundation on my cheeks are a lot of spots. They are part of a story that only my eyes have seen in full.
Lately I've been seeing my past in flashes. MY ugly painfull past. Whatever hurt and whatever pain I may feel now or Jesper think is suffocating. I don't think he has felt the pain i come from. I had partially repressed it. But lately it has reemerged.
Not beeing able to play your game whenever you feel like it, or having a lifepartner tell you something for the millionth time, is not pain.
I intended this post to go in another direction, but as i am writing and sitting here submerged in the feelings my past brings up. It kind of makes the last year's worth of pain seeem rediculus. That includes this so called "regret" of Jespers.
There is still so much of my past that he doesn't know. Things that happened between him leaving the first time. I'm not sure I even remember half of it fully.
I just.. sigh.. I've come so far. Looking back, it's incredible.
I am a mother.. The one thing i thought I would never bee capable of being. I am... Not just biological, but I'm actually a mom in every sense of the word. It is my identity

My son is now almost 8 months and he is thriving and i love him. I would die without him. Maybe that is why I'm remembering the pain from before.. I've loved and lost so many times, but one time almost cost me everything. Now I don't matter. Someone else is more important.
And it is scary.

But I'm strong, and my body is the proof. It has endured so much more than I thought it could and it is a proof, that I will too.