Next..

There's gonna be a post missing in between this one and the previous one, but suffice it to say, we worked things out.

Yesterday I told my landlord that I'm moving, so I now have 2,5 months to vacate the place. I'm moving in with Jesper. Something I'd never thought would happen the first time we chatted over msn, but now we are, and I'm excited.

My mother is having one of her more difficult periods. She is insecure and in a bad mood, which she usually takes out on the only one who she can hurt without any consequences.. me.
She doesn't have much ammo on me, but the things she does, she uses so expertly that it hurts every time she opens her mouth.

I can't help but to think, that if I ever had a daughter I would want to have a close relationship with her, where she can tell me everything. I wonder if my mother thought the same when she was young. I hear how other people find strength in talking to their mother about their problems, and I feel all empty and sad inside. There's a huge part of my heart that's broken, and it's been broken for a long time.

I've always felt Linkin Park's lyrics describe my feelings towards my mother very well, but this is the best one:

"Numb"

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus:]
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me,
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take.

[Chorus:]
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you.

And I know
I may end up failing too.
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you.

[Chorus:]
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware.
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you.

[Chorus:]
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)

I'm sick of this..

It's now been over 24 hours, and whatever I was going through is almost gone. I don't need to talk about any of it, but I need to be past it.

I need us to make up now.. I just don't know how

#maria

Hi hon..

I know you've been looking at my page today, hoping i'd perhaps write something to let you know how I'm doing through this.. what ever it is..

I don't have any answers to what the hell is wrong. All i know is that it's bad on both sides. I don't even have a clue as to what's wrong on my end. I've been detatched from my feelings all day long, and it's possible to do it with some effort now. Underneath it all I'm hurting. I know cuz I felt it when you wrote a text. The only way to figure out what's wrong is to let it all in, and I'm afraid to do so.

I wanted to cut to let some of the pain I don't feel yet, out, but I don't wan't to do so because then I'll feel. Instead, when the song, close to you, came on the radio, I forced myself to hear this über love song. The whole situation just seem so morbidly ironic if I where to die in a carcrash right there with that song playing. I kinda liked the idea..


I found this song text yesterday..:

Ne-yo

Mad:
She's staring at me, I'm sitting wondering what she's thinking
Ummm Nobody's talking, cause' talking just turns into screaming
And now as I'm yelling over her, she yelling over me,
all that that means is neither of us are listening,
and what's even worse, that we don't even remember why we're fighting

So both of us are mad for nothing (fighting for)

I know sometimes it's gonna rain,
But baby can we make up now
cause' I can't sleep through the pain (can't sleep through the pain)
girl I don't want to go to bed mad at you
and I don't want you to go to bed, mad at me
no I don't want to go to bed mad at you
and I don't want you to go to bed, mad at me

Oh baby this love ain't gonna be perfect
And just how good it's gonna be
We can fuss and we can fight as long as everything is alright between us before we go to sleep...




And it's not your fault that I feel this way. Even if you weren't depressed I'd still be feeling this way today. My situation, again what ever the hell it is, started the same time as yours, it is not a direct result of today, so don't feel bad about that.

You say you need a couple of days to your self, and that's frankly a good idea. I need some distance too. I'm just worried that my emotionel block at some point will crumble, and I'm afraid of what lies beneath it..


I think the next lyric fits nicely in with the rest of the context of this blog..

Pink - just give me a reason.:

I'm sorry I don't understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine
(Oh we had everything)
Your head is running wild again
My dear we still have everythin'
And it's all in your mind
(Yeah but this is happenin')
You've been havin' real bad dreams oh oh
You used to lie so close to me oh oh
There's nothing more than empty sheets
Between our love, our love
Oh our love, our love

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Oh tear ducts and rust
I'll fix it for us
We're collecting dust
But our love's enough
You're holding it in
You're pouring a drink
No nothing is as bad as it seems
We'll come clean





Theres more beneath the surface hon, but just remember that it's mostly love..

#Maria

Seriously

I've been wondering about how the last time my relationsship with Jesper was so different from now. I think the best way to describe it is if you imagine a couple of birds who locks claws in mid air. You know it's not gonna go well, but for the duration of it, the birds only see each other.
Looking back I know my borderline was at it's worst. Everything was black and white. I either loved him with all of my soul or I pushed him away with all of my strength.
I latched on to him, because i genually knew I needed him to survive, but at the same time I was scared shitless of the same fact. So of course on the resieving end you start to get caught up in the whirlwind of emotions, and you start feeling the same.

As hard as we loved, just as hard did we fall, and I think that's why it's different now. When I as a young girl fell of a horse for the first time, it took almost a half year before the full love of riding was back, and the fear of falling wasn't as big. guess you can draw parallels to that story.

I'm still afraid to fall, and from time to time I just wanna get of the horse .. :(
It's for the better that my borderline is under control. Though I sometimes miss the same passion as back then from his side.


sigh! I'm depressed, irritated, angry, jealous and sad today. It's not pretty. I know a lot of it can be credited to my hormones, but it doesn't change the fact that I still feel the feelings.
I think it's a good thing I'm not gonna see Jesper today. I'm a walking timebomb who almost blew up yesterday over the sillyest thing.

I'm spending the day with stick. I'm looking foreward to go shopping with her, and perhaps our workout afterwards will help on my cramps. We are going to watch the movie thirteen tonight. It's about a young girl who went through the same thing as I did as a teen. Stick often ask me about it. How it felt to do drugs, if I'm still cutting, and generally what happened back then. So I told her about this movie, and I hope it will give her some general idea. The movie has a secundary story where her best friend gets left behind for the cool crowd that does drugs, and it's the part that might get a little delicate, since that's sort of what happend to us.

oh well my mood is perfect for dealing with these kind of issues, so it'll be fine.


#Maria