I know that I can seem ambivalent, cuz I constantly changes my openion about everything, but I have too.Right now, then I mostly wanna take a brake from lars, and my school. Eventhough I'm really popular, then I've resently been forced to make my Former best friend get out in the cold. She is now no longer one of "the girls" and it is all my fault. I had to do it, or follow her. I gained more popularity from it, but dep down my heart bleeds...
I toke a day of school, I just couldn't face any of it.

Many things has happened since I last wrote. I have takend lars in writing more with his x, and I have cut for it. I still can't confront him with it, cuz I broke the big rule of not lookin in the others phone.
I don't know what to o. It's obviously affeting me, cuz I don't feel the samething now when we have sex or kiss. Our sex life is a dissaster at the moment. He got mad, cuz I couldn't finish a blow job, and I'm pissed cuz he dosn't seem to want me, like craving for me. I know it's stuppid, but I think that if he doesn't crave for me, then it's because i'm not pretty enough, or because his feelings a faiding. All in all then it's all in my head, but it's effecting me so much, so I just wanna get away from him, and be alone till everything is back to normal.
The only problem is that if i brake up then I'll never get him back and I don't know if i'm ready for that.

And for the weight thing, then my goal is to reach 56 kg by my birthday witch is in 10 days. Right now my weight is 59,3 kg, and today I'm fasting till tomorow evening when lars is taking me out for dinner at this great restaurent.
I know it's a great thing, but for some reason then I'm not too excited about it :(
What's wrong with me?!

Other then that, then my mum is convinced that I'm pregnant, just because I'm a little late. She knows I skip school a lot, and I think she has set her self the goal to drive myselfasteem total to the ground...
My dad he isn't realy there if you know what I meen, but he is ready too take me under his wings if I only come crawling to him for help >:-/ NEVER!

so much for my life...

Well hope i'll find time to write again soon - ¨maria¨

So fare so good

The pills are working, I'm now down to 58 kg. I know lars is sospecting me of starvingmyself, but I try to eat a bit when I'm at his house. I didn't eat new years eve though, witch resulted in me getting PRETTY drunk!
I know I'm not allowed to drink alcohol with those pills, cuz they can give me an heart attack, and I did get pretty sick later. I woke lars up and asked him to hold me cuz I was scared. My heart was beating so fast, and everything was blurry.
I'm soon gonna reach my goal of 57 kg that I set the first time I wrote an entry in this blog :) - and I'm proud of myself

Other than that then it was an OK new year. I held it with lars, and he was great. Although I wasn't sure I could be around him that day.
I read some of his mesages on his phone from his x last wednsday. I was incredible hurt by the context of them, but I wont get more into that. I felt like hitting him, but instead I ran out to the kitchen and tried to find a knife, but they where too blunt, so I went to his bathroom and took his razor. I went crazy on my arm. They are truly made cuz of anger, cuz normally I'm calm and I make them propper in streight lines, but these where random and I was really upset when I made them.
I went into his room, but I lay on the floor and folded my arms around myself.I coulnd't lay next to him.
My problem was that I couldn't tell him I had read them cuz he would get really mad, so I held it into myself for a couple of days, trying to figure out what I was gonna do with it all. It was horrible, but later I found out that there isn't as much into it as I thought, but I am still hurt.

... So yesterday I wasn't feeling to well, but I did stop and think about how glad I am that I made it to 2005. The old year almost killed me ! I even got to thank Lars for my life, witch I pretty much owe to him. And now I'll also like to thank the rest of you who had a great role in my survival - thank you!


Love you & happy new year

-Maria