i don't like it when..

..I make plans with someone and they change them for no good reason. It makes me feel unimportant.

..I am texting someone a semi long text, and don't even get a reply back. Just because there is no question in my text, it's nice to get at least a short acknowledgement.

..people leaves without notice when I've been talking to them over some form of social network or program. It's rude and it's the same as hanging up the phone without a goodbye. It confuses the hell out of me, and i feel forgotten. Of course if there hasn't been any back and forth for a while, it's ok.

..when someone disrupts my sleep, when it's not important. For this particular reason i hate my neighbor.

..Someone startles me. I get a really uncomfortable feeling in my entire body, that resembles a panic attack, and I don't need to feel like that more than I already do.

..Someone as a joke or to be funny calls me something negative. I know you're supposed to know that people are sarcastic, but I'm just not good at knowing when they are and when they're not. The odds of me taking it seriously are to high, so be very clear or just don't do it.

..People corrects my behavior. Instead tell me how you perceive my actions, and I'll correct it if it affects you negatively, cuz I don't want to hurt anyone on purpose. It makes me feel like a child when people corrects my behavior.

..Someone talks bad about something I like. It's fine that you don't share the same opinion, but keep it to yourself if you have something negative to say about it. Especially if it's about my dog, his breed or something like that.


This list has been a draft for a long time now, but I might as well post it along with my bad mood post, since they sort of belong to the same topic ;)

Maria ^^

Surge of madnesss

Something new is happening to me. Today I get overwhelmed by some feeling all of the suden I can't explain. It's not a pleasant feeling. I think it is sort of a panic attack, but it only lasts a few seconds. I can't breathe, my vision gets blurry, my heart stops beating and my thoughts race through my head so fast that i can't even understand them.

Sometimes I wonder if I was even ready to be homebody's girlfriend. I'm quite sure i'm capable, but it just feels weird. I know i'm supposed to be part of a team, but I still feel like it's me against the world. I know I have support, but bcuz I was left so suddenly the last time, I don't feel it is limitless.  I can't say I love somebody unless I know they are there for better or worse. Right now I'm improving myself so fast, and I have even gotten better at some points than I've ever been, but I fear at some point I might feel I need more from people around me. It's like a race against myself and time, and all I can do is sit back and just hope for the best.

I've challenged myself lately. I wasn't sure how I would handle jealousy now. Would I still be able to nonchalant handle it with Jesper's x's.. Well I don't feel threatened, but I'm curious why they even broke up. Looking at pictures of the two only very mildly sets of my jealousy, but instead it makes me sort of mad at Jesper for back then, which then numbs me for a couple of hours where I can't feel that warm feeling I usually have when I think about him.
The only thing holding me back from asking him why they broke up, is bcuz I needed her to be really important to him, in order to justify why he chose her back then.

have to go back to school now..

maybe i'll add more later

too much or not enough?

My mood has been very odd the past three days. I think or rather hope it has something to do with PMS, but I'm worried it might be something else. I've taking quite a few bad hits to my self esteem, and .. well.. even though I get some huge compliments, there is just some people whose opinion count for more than others. This one particular person unknowingly and with no bad intention, said something that has taking me down quite a bit.

I can't seem to figure out how to pass time by myself. It's odd, i preferred it just 3 weeks ago.
Yesterday I was feeling overtired and hormonal, yet I just couldn't relax by myself. I descided to drive to Viborg to buy groceries and some makeup I needed, but I felt the panic attacks comming before i'd even gotten out of the car. I remembered what my shrink had said. I just had to go through it. I'd feel incredible uncomfortable for some time, but if I didn't go through it, I would feel even worse the next. I held my head high and kept a stiff lip. I chaught a glimse of myself in a glass door, and acctually thought it was a person behind me I could see. There was a normal nice looking person in the reflection.
There were some times, while I was in the store that I felt a bit shaky, but when I got out to the car and had taking some deep breaths I felt great for having conquered.
I then got invited out for a burger, and the day just got a whole lot better from there.

I'm falling

I think I'm in trouble. When Jesper and I started talking again I promised myself that I wouldn't give my heart up. It would always have to be mine that I would share from time to time, but never give it up.  I always had the comfort of knowing that no matter what, he wouldn't be able to hurt me as much as the last time.
I'm different, I know how to be single now and I know I can survive without him. For a long time I had an escape plan, but it's starting to fade away. I'm resisting to give it up all together, but I think I might be falling for him. I know that sounds stupid, cuz everyone knows I never unfell, but my heart closed back then. When I had pushed Kim away and Jesper left, I didn't protest, I just laid down on my bed and woke up 1,5 years later.
I feel like my heart is warming up again. I'm having a hard time trusting this, so I cut. I haven't told Jesper yet, bcuz I'm afraid he's gonna think it's because of him or that i'm doubting this thing we got. But it was necessary for the process, so that I might get to the point where I can say I love him again.

Last night I dreamt that I had to give Kim the bad news that his grand mother ha died. I went because I felt I owed him. I found Kim at a party where he was happy and kissing several girls. In my dream I felt happy for him. When he noticed me he came over and told me it was great to see me and that he had missed me, but when I told him the bad news he teared up and turned his anger on me for a while and then disappeared. I started to leave the party when I noticed him walking towards me from behind. I kept walking and then at some point I looked back and he was gone. I got in the car and drove over to Jesper.

It was the weirdest dream. I guess if you look at it symbolically it was my way of moving on subconsciously.