The afterwards..

Something went wrong between me and Lars this weekend. We got into a fight, so we've practically cut all contact with eachother, except for when it comes to settling the last moneybuisness. This whole thing has made me discover a thing about myself. I'm afraid of being alone with myself. I just don't have the skills to cope with lonelyness, so I've had all my friends over once at a time the last couple of days. I just sleep so much better when there is somebody next to me. I guess it's the remaining from being in a relationship for 3 years. Whe I was with Lars, I rarely slept alone, and back then I lived at home, so there was always somebody around.
But one good things has come from all this. I've truely found out who my real friends are, and my relationship with them has gotten a lot stronger from all this. Now I'm just waiting for all the pain and the feeling of a loss to go away..

These last 3 weeks, my eating has encreased a lot, so I think I've gained some kg, but I'm afraid to wheigh myself and find out. I think it's because I'm comfort eating or something. I just can't stop it even though I'm still eating the dieet pills, so it's not that I'm hungry...

^maria

I'm posting this right before I go to sleep. I haven't written in my blog for a while now, and I kinda need to..

In the last week my life has changed 180 degrees. I've broken up with Lars, moved in my own apartment, and generally become a lot stronger in many ways. I thought the brake up would kill me literally, but I supose in a way it might be because I've done the right thing. I've kept Lars as a friend, but I think it's because he still has a hope that we'll get back together again. In the 3 years we were together I only saw him cry once because a friend died. But this has been very hard on him, and he has been crying alot for me. In a way I'm flatered, but it was very hard to see. I have to let him go, and stop giving him hope, cuz the only thing I'm crying for is our past. I guess we just grew apart..
I'm happy alone, because I'm free. Lars just had a too strong grib around me. I'm a free spirit, and I hate feeling caged. I think that's what went wrong..

I've come out stronger than ever from this..
I know now that I schouldn't seattle for less, and I know a little more about myself.

Another side of it all is my weight. I don't really feel like disgussing it very much right now..
I currantly weigh 53 kg, and I've just went down a pants size, so that I now need a size 36.
3 years ago I used 44..

I'm starting school again tomorrow. I don't know what to expect from it. I supose that it can only get better, since I feel a little more confident about myself than before summerbreak. I don't know..

~maria

We can't go backwards

A song keeps repeating in my head. The lyrics keep reminding me of the situation I'm in..

"Just like I predicted,
We're at the point of no return
We can go backwards,
and no corners have been turned.
I can't control it, if I sink or if I swim 'cause I chose the water that I'm in.

If it's not what you're made of
You're not what I'm looking for
You where willing but unable to give me anymore
There's no way, You're changing, cause somethings
will just never be mine,You're not love this time ... but it's allright

What's your definition of the one
What you really want him to become?
No matter what I sacrifice it's still never enough"

I'm pretty down, but I keep trying to escape it, by keeping myself occupied. I've gained 1,5 kg because I'm out of controle. I'm so scared of what lays ahead in the unknown. But I chosed this. I took my chance on the unknown to MAYBE find hapyyness, but so fare all I feel is dissapointment, confusion, sadness and like I'm being blamed for everything by everyone.
Why does it have to hurt so much, just because I want to be happy?! After 3 years of missery, don't I deserve a brake?
I just feel like going away and start completely over and erase my memory. When I'm driving a car, I hope to crash and be killed, when I walk outside at night, I hope to be shot by somerandom maniac. Just so I can be put out of my missery.
I can't stand it anymore.. Lars wanted marriage, minivan and a baby, I want more but I just don't know what.. I could have lived a good life with him, but I would never feel complete, cuz he didn't know who I was, or were willing to understand me.

And Jesper.. I hope you know how little you have to do or say to hurt me, because you mean so much to me..

I'm going over to a friend in viborg tonight just to get my mind of it all and prevent me from falling apart..

~maria