Too long...
I'm sorry I haven't been updating. There has just happened so much bad and god shit....
Lars broke up friday the 27th. He had heard from this girl that I was kissing another guy at a party. He flipped and broke up over the phone emidiatly. He didn't even wanna talk to me or let me try to explain the truth. Ofcourse I hadn't cheated on him. I got so down I cried all night. I hadn't been sleeping, but my mum came into my room the next morning, yelling at me to get ready to take this family photo. I couldn't do anything without starting to cry uncontrolable, so my make-up was ruin everytime I tryed to put it on. I couldn't take any of it right then. I called lars and he finally agreed to talk to me. I told him how my mother was after me and I just couldn't take it now he had broken up. I wrote to him afterwards that I just wanted to swollow that glass of pills. I know it was stupid, but that was how I really felt. I had locked myself up in the bathroom, but when I came out with eyes red from crying, my mum just said that I schouldn't weep and get me all messep up for the picture. I would just ruin it for everyone. Not once did she feel any sympathy, but kept threatening me with how I would ruin the stupid picture...
When I was standing there ready to get the picture taken I could hardly smile, but I had to.... I wrote to lars that I had nothing to live for now that he had left me. I know it sounded like a threath, but I only wanted to tell the truth. I didn't feel like there was anything to live for at the time... in the evening I went over to him to this party, but only to get to talk to him. When we finally became alone and started to talk, he made it clear that I had threathened him with something so tearible he ould never forgive me for, so we could never be together again. I started crying, but he just went out to party. His mother came to me and told me how much he and they loved me. She told me he was just scared. Apparently she knew about it and me. We talked for a while, then lars called and said he would come back so we could talk it through.
I stayed with him in his room all night. I cried and I begged for forgivness, but he was too hurt. I was cried so hard, that he couldn't handle it and took me in his arms to comfort me. We slept side by side, but the next day I just went home, still single.
I descided to talk to my mother. I told her everything that had been going on all this time. I told her why I cut and why I get depressed. She was hurt at first, then angry, but she agreed to let me have a brake. She accepted the fact that I needed her to respekt me and change things around home. I felt like such a traitor! I cryed all evening in my room and I refuged to come down and eat. I hadn't eaten since friday at that point, but I just couldn't find will. I didn't eat the next day either. I stayed home from school, and for the first time my mother had let me even though I wasn't fisically ill. I just couldn't face other ppl. I kept thinking about all the good times with lars. It just kept going on and on in my head. I couldn't eat or look myself in the mirror for days. I cried and I wallowed alone in my room all day. Just laying there on my bed...
I started writting with lars again... He still had strong feelings about me, but he said he was jsut too hurt. Everytime he looked at me he saw me the way I cryed that night, and how sad I was. But not least, he felt so hurt over the suicide threath...
Everytime he wrote that he didn't feel it was over, but that he couldn't look at me, I broke down. I felt so powerless. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't help him. He had sacrificed so much for my wellbeing, and now I was practically cured. I had acomplished to talk to my mother and get a shrenk if I wanted, but I repayed him by hurting him...
I hated myself and still refuged to eat. I came down to 60,9 kg. the goal I had tryed to acomplish for so long.
The days went on, but suddenly he asked me if we could meet and talk this through! He said he missed me and wanted to see if we could come up with a sollution. I then came over to him saturday morning and we watched a movie at first. We then started talking a bit about us, but he had come more asure that he couldn't think of anything else when he saw me, and didn't think we could ever have the same thing again. I took his hand and asked him if he felt anything. He said yes, so I asked him, why this feeling couldn't by time replace the hurt with joy? HE said that he didn't know, but he jsut didn't think we could ever have that trust again. He then drove me home cuz he didn't feel it was right laying next to me... On the way home in the car we kinda said goodbye to eachother, but as the final word I told him I was going to a party in the evening. He took it as if I was gonna find a new guy, and after he had drivin wrote to me how I could say that to him. I told him I was just going to get drunk, so I could forget him and what I had lost for one evening.
The next evening me and lars was surpricingly vrey good friends again. I was joking with him over sms and he was telling me how his day was. Then he suddenly wrote if I wanted to try again...!
I was so happy about that message so I broke my remote and hit my head on a lamp. I went over to him and we watched a movie. He took my hand and kissed it. He looked me in the eyes and asked if I wanted us to try again. I really had to controle myself so I wouldn't scream of joy. Instead I leaned forward and kissed him and said yes. I don't know how or why, but after that moment we were like we had always been. As if nothing had ever happened. Now we have been together since sunday, and we are doing even better that before. I guess this is beause I'm doing better at home. I've also tryed to make everything about him, in a way to repay him for what he has done for me.
I just hope it lasts this time....
~maria
