i'm so in auw(bothers me i don't know how to spell it) i can barely express it. Since 9th grade i've regularly had dreams where my oldest friend appears. she represent the image of someone i know truely, so ofcourse she has different roles in my dreams when the themes aquires it. she wrote to me out of the blue. that makes 4 from my past that i thought i had lost, just since i gave up drugs and the crappy enviroment i used to travel in.
i want things to change furter, but i'm so ashamed and angry about the time i have lost already!!!

I have days where i sensearly hate the succes of my caussin, who is my age but has done everything right and is living the danish dream.

but i'd like to think that she doesn't have the life experience and the strength to take a realy hard blow. sure she has been through devorce of her parents, worked as a guide.. hmm well that's it. now she has a home with her boyfriend from her childhood.

i have to justify to people why i'm depressed. had my parents been devorsed or had i been abused as a child i would have it a lot easier to explain myself to people.
my problem is, that i had the perfect upbringing.

i no longer blame everybody else but myself. my problem was not sadness, it was anger. don't get me wrong, i am still sometimes filled with so much anger i could kill someone, but i'm learning to accept it.

years.. years have passed and i can hardly remember what happened. i think i've been in a state of shock... not many days ago i found out it has been 5 years since my abortion. I could have had a 5 year old child by now.

i wonder if the passing of time is the same for everyone, but for me it's clouded in a mist. something seems so fictional i could swear it was a dream, if i didn't know better. what the hell happened?!


for the first time i feel like i'm awake. the last time i felt like this, was shortly before i started working in aalestrup.
I try to look at it as a positive thing that gave me experience, but, why am i so sad then.
the thought brings me back to when i last was that sad.

..i sad besides him. it was our first meeting (well actually we had met before but i was too young to remember his face). he told some cheesy joke, but all i could think about was, my hurting wrist. i had covered them with gaze. i had to show him, to know if he would accept and be there for me..

he was and he where.