Happy birthday...

So, now i'm finally leagally cut from my parents, in theory, I don't need them anymore. Í celebrated my birthday, by having all my friends over for dinner, and later we hit the bars, just us girls. I really had the best time. At some point doing the night when I was dancing, my heart suddenly started to beat really fast, and not fast as in when your exercising, but really fast, so I thought I was going to faint. My friend, could see that I wasn't feeling too good, so she took my outside, to cool down and catch my breath. It almost took 30 min before my heart had slowed a bit down. It was a bit scary, but i'm not afraid of it, because, if that is the price I'll have too pay, for taking those pills, then there is nothing to do about that.
It was fun, finally to be able to get in leagally in all the bars. I had a lot to drink, and headed home with two of my friends around 4. My two friends were going stay the night.
The next morning when we woke up, we got the news, that a guy we know is dead. He had burned to death in his bed. the worste way to die. I'll bet you can't help but waking up, when the flames start to burn you, and then it's a slow and painfull death. It's just weird that i spoke with him in one of the bars, and few hours later, he is burning to death. Life really is weird sometimes... may he rest in peace.
My family is coming over today, but i'm not looking forward to it.. the day seems less joyful today.

I can only give everyone the code which i live my life by, and hope it will help some if they have a difficult time. you have to live on day at a time, and make everyone of them be as if they were the last. Never have regrets, and mistakes, has to be looked upon as an experience wich will make your life easier. Carpe diem!

^maria

Welcome to my life..

I'm drowning in homework, so ive changed stragedy so that i only make the one's I'll get in trouble for if they aren't done. In a way it's okay, cuz that way i get to keep my mind of some things I'd rather not deal with... like my consience.
I supose I schould admit my sins in my diary, but there are just some things I have to carry in my heart in order not to hurt some people. I always believed in the saying that bad deeds come back and bite you in the ass, and I'm really just waiting for the time to pay my penalty for all the bad things I have done. I can count 4 things just from last week that are bad, and I did premeditated.
There is only four days till i turn 18, and i've descided to get a tattoo in march. I want it to be something that is really me, and that i won't regret when i'm old. My desicion landed on a couple of small angel wings on each of my schoulderblades. Ironic isn't it?! Cuz I maybe look like and angel, but I'm really more of a devil..

I really miss writting poems, and i think i'll take it up again sometime when i'm more blue. I'm better at writting then, and somehow I just know that I'm gonna have one of those periods soon. It feels as though I'm struggeling to keep my head above water, but my strenght is almost gone.

I can't stop hearing this song from simple plan because I think i descibes me so well at the moment...

Simple plan - welcome to my world:

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever want to run away?

Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more Before your life is over?

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's likeTo be like me

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work It was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like

~Maria

I hurt peopel..

Lately i've been hurting so many people, i guess i go on by making myself forget and believe something different. I read somewhere that, that is how you get multible personality disorder, but i trust my self to be strong enough to handle it. I'm truely sorry!
i know when i diserve a punish, and i don't complain about it. But the biggest punish i get, is knowing that people i love has been hurt. So even though i don't always seem to regret, then i'm in remorse constantly...

this is dedicated to tose i've hurt

^maria

Goodbye my lover...

I promised myself i would always be completly honest when i put something down in my blog, but this time i've chosend to leave something out that i'm not ready to share yet...

It's been a log time since i've last updated this blog, but i'm already feeling better by each letter I type. As always it's jesper who is there to pull me through when ever i doubt myself. I knewer feel alone, cuz I trust he's always there to pick up the peases. As Lars often pointed out to me, then I'm really bad at telling people how much I apreciate them. Therefore, here you you got it in black and white Jesper: I wouldn't know what to do without you and I'm forever gratefull for you ..

In short what has been going on since last update:
Sometime doing christmas i have cut my wrist. It wasn't deep, but i was feeling really blue after school. I bought some new razorblades and went into a public tanning room, where i locked the door and started to run the blade across my skin. I just sad and watched the blood for a while. It had been so long since i had felt that way. In the back of my mind, I felt that i had let myself down. That's when it started...
My first impuls was to tell Jesper, so i did, but i didn't really want to explain it, cuz i couldn't.. The next impuls was to find a way to hide it from Lars. It proved to be very easy. He didn't even come close to seeing it. it kinda dissapointed me in a way. why? i can't explain it

Later it started to bother me that i couldn't even tell him about the diet pills. I had gradualy been to taking more and more. I was starting to think I was getting addicted. Every morning I would need them to give me a kickstart to the day. They would make me feel invincible, like I could deal with anything.

I started wondering if i'd really need Lars anymore.. Lars was babeling on and on about moving in together while all of this was going on.
I was very sad new years eve because I suddenly thought back on all the things I had been through the whole year. Lars was only thinking about partying with his freinds, so he didn't notice. later on the evening, five minuttes till midnight, he just left me in the bar were we where. I got so upset, i sat in a toiletboth and cried when everyone else was celebrating. 15 minuttes later I walk totterly trhough the city to my grandmother. When i got there I only managed to stay awake for ten more minuttes.
The next day i woke up next to Lars. We were both a bit mad at eachother but we descided to forget the whole insident.

Two months later we were at a housewarming for some friends, it's a long story but Lars screwed up, and i went home alone early. I didn't see him till two days later. Amazingly I found myself not even missing him, but almost dreading to see him again because i didn't want another fight, or even have to explain myself.

Since then things have only gone downhill...
I was so confused because i didn't miss him. A doubt had started to grow in me. Did I really love him? Lately I have found my self being irritated with him. And constantly I'm trying to imagine myself without him... Somehow I think this is the end for him and me, but this time it's different -this time it may be because i no longer love him...

Goodbye my love,
goodbye my friend.
You have been the one,
you have been the one for me...

James Blunt