So the day is here..

.. and I'm nervous as hell.
truthfully what scares me the most is my own reaction to seeing him again, but i supose it will tell me more than any amount of thinking could ever do.

I'm expecting kim to come any moment now, because
I have to tell him that I'm in a new relationship.. sigh
this proves to be the hardest part of the intire journey we've taken togehter kim. I'm sorry for hurting you, but have to do what's best for the both of us.

"Better Than Me"
I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed
Where your nightgown used to be
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this

You deserve much better than me
While looking through your old box of notes
I found those pictures I took
That you were looking for
If there's one memory I don't want to lose
That time at the mall
You and me in the dressing room
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend...
I won't think about you when I'm older
Cause we never really had our closure
This can't be the end
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
(And I think you should know this)
(You deserve much better than me)

fuck fuck fuck....

Going past the speed limit

I think I have forgotten how to slow down and enjoy relaxing. Everything went so fast with kim, and there was always something going on, so I think I've become to used to the lifestyle. Or is it a part of who I am..?
I'm still strugling with finding myself after the meds made me dissapear for a couple of years. I've just spent 10 minuttes laying on my bed staring into the sealing, and already I felt like i was becoming insane, so had to do something. This blog is so fare th only occupasion I got going for my own pleasure (or to keep me from insanity) What the hell did I pass time with the last two years? Doing the day, I keep busy with random things, but in the evening I've run out of things to do, and thats when I'm in trouble. I could keep going out, but i've just got a hard time excepting that life is this boring.. besides, I'm not sure I wanna live with this boredom. I think it'll drive me to the point where I'll do crazy shit just to not be faced with lifes soby fact.

This could also explain why, everytime I was single I got so out of controle, and why I always (well almost) picked men who could provide that comfort I so need in breakin the silence..

^maria

It's almost too hard

I know I schould be happy that I'm finally with Jesper cuz that's what my heart has wanted for soo long, but something is killing the joy. I'd Rather just forget this weekend, but denial is never the root to anything good.
Maybe I'm just not ready or maybe he's not.. anyhow, it feels like it's going down hill, and the things that bothers me are kept inside cuz I don't wanna jump to conclusions. I've tried this before, where I try turning a friendship into a relationship, and I know there are a lot more bumps on the road than a usual relationship would, but at the same time this was never a usual friendship..
sigh.. feel like cutting, but if I do I have to tell what's wrong.. damn my stupid agreaments. anyway I miss him, but at the same time it's kinda hard bering around him when I know there's something we're both not telling.
I don't know what to do about this.. only thing I'm surtain of is that I Love him.

Anyway, I came home from spending the weekend with Jesper, and I needed a little sleep in my own bed, but suddenly i woke up and there was kim sitting on my bed(!) I got a little schocked and mad that someone let him in, but apperantly he just wanted to talk because he was worried about me. I'm so fucking pissed that he made me sound like I was the hurting party in this. I figure it was just an excuse, but I really didn't wanna get into an argument about his feelings so I just asked him to leave and not come over like that. he demanded a hug before he went..

Guess I have to make úp with my mother anytime soon, but think i'll updose my meds to 10 mg a day for a few days and see if it won't numb me somewhat, cuz I really need a brake from it all ..

sorry hon.. love you

I bruise easily.:
My skin is like a map, of where my heart has been
And I can't hide the marks, but it's not a negative thing
So I let down my guard, drop my defences, down by my clothes
I'm learning to fall, with no safety net, to cushion the blow
I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart, carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath I bruise easily, I bruise easily
I've found your finger prints on a glass of wine
Do you know you're leaving them all over this heart of mine too
But if I never take this leap of faith I'll never know
So I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow
I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath I bruise easily, I bruise easily
Anyone who, can touch you, can hurt you, or heal you
Anyone who, can reach you, can love you, or leave you
So be gentle
So be gentle
So be gentle
So be gentle
I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart, carved on a treeI bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath I bruise easily, I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart, carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath I bruise easily, I bruise easily
I bruise easily
I bruise easily

^maria

argh!

Just sitting here staring at the screen. I feel like writting down my thoughts, but at the same time, my head's a little foggy. like I can't really fokus on a single thought before it's replaced by a new one..

I got a feeling I won't get much sleep tonight. I just can't get myself to feel at peace. well I can always keep myself busy with chors.


All I had to write for now..

prolly wasn't worth creating a post for, but all i could manage right now.

nighty night to those that can sleep


^maria