My new ways...?
 
Okey then.. how to put this right? This week has been increadible. I went to the summercap with lars wednesday. Apperearently Lars missed me incredible much, his dad even told me that he hadn't had eny thing but me on his mind thuesday.
Anyway, when I got there the first thing we did was take a walk down to the beach. We had so much fun and later on the evening we reanted a movie and watch it with his family. I feel so at home in his family. I can talk to both his parents so easaly. Later on the evening when we where about to go to sleep, we started talking and he told me that he thaught he was starting to fall in love with me, and that he was scared cuz he had promised himself that he wouldn't do that again cuz he always ended up hurt. I didn't know what to do, the whole thing came as a chock. I wanted to tell him that I love him, but I'm not sure I mean it, or if it was just some cheesy clishé that came as a reflex to his words. I just kissed him deeply and sayed that I would hurt myself before hurting him.
The next day, we went bading and one of lars's friends came up to the cap. We played a badminton tournament. We basicly had so much fun and I got a little closer to his friend. Later we went fishing and after that to a greek restaurent. We even had an icecream afterwards, I was pretty full of myself. But still for somereason I got a major depression later on the evening. I wanted to talk to lars about it, but how can I tell him that I can get depressed now that I'm serposed to be happy that we have such a great time?!
I think I got the depression because I know that I'm falling in love with him too, and that makes me scared just like him. He has broken my heart so many times. I just pretended that it was my heart I had problems with... and it is in way...
I faked pain and setted my breathing up. I so wanted him to know something was wrong, but I didn't want him to fell like the blame, so this was the only way out. I cant keep all this pain locked up, so this was my only resort, cuz like I promised him, then I'd rather hurt before I hurt him.
he got really consurned and did whatever he could to keep me comfortable. Only problem is that he now wants me to go to a doctor... I hated myself fro what I was doing to him, and that I couldn't just be happy that things were going so great!

I got home friday and went streigth to work. After work I held a small party in my house. At first we where about 9 ppl. Later on the party was really going great, so lars came over with 3 friends. When he first came the first thing he did was to tell me how much he had missed me, and he then dragged me a little away to tell me something. He wanted to tell me that he had hit a guy who had held a knife to one of his friends throat, and that he hoped I could understand that he had had to do that. I know he come from that enviroment, and that he cant really get free of it comepletely. Bescides, then I'm not fussy about those things so I was just glad nothing happende to him.
We then dissed my party and went outside. lars told me that I looked really greate tonight and that he really felt proud that I was HIS when he came to this party. Again he showed those signs that he is really falling in love with me.  What am I gonna do..?! I got to find out what I'm feeling so that i can tell him the truth. Lars went to sleep at 4 in my parents bed, but I had to stay up and watch the party. It didn't end till 6 and then I started cleaning the house, cuz me parents would come home the next day, or schould I say that day! I wasn't done till 8. I then made lars some food and went up to the bed with it, but he was to tirated to eat. He fell asleep beside him. I woke up again by the sound of my dog barking cuz a car was comeing. I woke lars up, cuz I thought it was my parents. I had never seen him get up so fast. I had only slept 4 hours, but it turned out to be my grandmother that drove right away again.
since we where already up, then we drove over to his house on his scooter. One of his friends called and asked if we wanted to go to macD with him and another friend. We came along and it was a really fun trip. Afterwards we just drove around, drank beer and lafted at some jokes. We ended up at a city festival, where I meet some of my family. After that we wnet to a state fare, where lars shot down a couple of flowers for me "again" The trip was so greate. We had so much fun and I really got closer to his friends.
4 hours later me and lars where sitting and watching tv in his living room. That was about what we did together that day, but before I went home, he took me out in his garden where we ate some cherrys. He even picked some for my mum, cuz I told him she loves them. We again talk a little about us. I menchoned how I think it's great that we can spend so much time together without getting tirate of eachother. I can't even do that with my best friend.

I then got picked up by my mum, sat down saw a movie and now here at 23 o' clock I'm sitting and writting this. I have only had 4 hours sleep in 24 hours, and tose 24 hours include a pretty broken body, bcuz of the rough night where I was depress and a badminton tournament, working, holding a party, taking care of lars, cleaning and hanging out with his friends an entire day. So I'm pretty tirate now. I think I'm gonna sleep 12 hours if my mum will let me ( wich I doubt).

goodnight to you all

~maria~

 

I have to be quick!
 
I'm going back up to the summer cap with lars for two days. I know this will proberbly be great, cuz I'm starting to get a little lonely in this big house. Never thought I could be that, but hey everyone can apperantly.
I miss all my friends, you're never on so I can talk a little bit with you!
miss you!
 
maria

quiet pease
 
Lars called me yesterday and asked me if I wanted to come up to the summercap with his rents. I drove with them up there and I got to talk a little with them. They are ok, they seem like a happy family...
When we got there I "ofcorse" showed mysself from my best side and helped them as much as I could. The weather was great so we descided to go down to the beach and swim. WHat can I say... it all seemed so... i don't know... HAPPY!
We swam for an hour, then me and lars went back and his rents stayed to collect seashells. Back home we saw some movies while trying to get our bodyheat back. At dinner we grilled and had a HUGE meal. We grilled marshmellows and biscuits. Afterwards lars and his kid brother chased each other with waterguns. WE played some tennis and dart. I then did the dishes wiht his rents (I normally hate that, but I wanted to show a good side of myself) We saw two movies then we all went to bed. Lars and me slept in a camping trailer. Later at night it started raining and thundering. I thought it was kinda coasy, so we just layed there and talked. We came around to the subject about my mother. I tryed to explain to him how my relationship is with her, but he couldn't relate. He has such a perfect family so he has hardly tryed it... Well okey good for him.
 
Th next day we went to the dock and had some fish and chips. Lars got in a bit of a fight with his brother and I was sitting between them :S
Suddenly in the car, his brother asked me where the scars on my arm came from. Lars sendt him the look, but I just answard it was from a leaf collecter. One of those with all the sharp edges. He seemed to believe it, so now  I don't think he'll ask me again...
 
Otherwise things are great... I'm home alone (planing a small party)
It's nice not having to worry about my rents. I have to take care of myself now (comepletely) it's not new to me. Only having to buy my own food.
 
maria

I miss him!
 
I can't stand thinking about him, I feel so lonely and I miss him. I know it's perthetic since it's only been 2 days and there is one day left. but as this saying says:

"wind is to fire what distance is to love. It kills the weak and makes the strong stronger."

I guess this can only mean that I'm already to deep in this, to play it safe. If something schould happen now, then it will affect me no matter what...!'
I so desperatly hope that it can hold this time. We make so many plans, and we try out so many things (like jealousi). I'm just a bit worried about what's gonna happen when I start back in school and I don't have all the time for him. My plan is to make him fall for me even more before that time comes...
 
My mum and dad are packing the trailer tomorrow, but before that she wants me to go shopping with her. The only problem is that I don't have enough money to buy new clothes, but I'll go anyway to see if I can get some out of her. After all I never asked for much of her, and she do want me to make a good impression on people, so if I play my cards right... ;)
 
Well I hope that he keeps his word and that I somehow can get away with going with him next week. So fare I can't tell... but I'll keep you updated
 
maria 

I'm trying to juggle my life...

I wont let my life stop completely. I'm hardly home now, cuz I'm either with lars or at work.
We had a bit of a fight yesterday. His x had written something to him that I by an accident wread on his phone. She wrote this: "It's not nice having to sleep alone in this house bcuz it makes strange noises". This ofcourse sounded all wrong, but instead of waking him up and make him write something back, then I wrote this to her: "good thing that I don't have to sleep alone". hehe I know this was kinda mean, but I guees I was what you call jealous. He found out the next day, cuz she call him and started crying cuz he kept refuseing that he had wrote it (ofcouse) He then asked me if I had done it. I just told him the truth and all the sudden we were disgussing wheater she ment something by it. OKEY so she is afraid of being home alone, but for crying out loud she is 20!! and dosn't her boyfriend got a phone or some of her friends?!?!?!
Even though he had to make friends with her again and excuse for my behavior, then he wasn't really mad at me, and he came over and we talked it out, and now it's in the past.

heheheh I'm evil ;)

he is now in a summercap with some friends (I couldnt come cuz I have to work) anyway, my boss says I can take the next week of, and lars has invited me up tp the sumemrcap with him and his rents. My mum and dad are going camping that week, and the only reason why I can stay home is cuz I said I had to work... I can't tell them yet that I can get of and that I'd rather go with lars, but I plan to call them when they are there and say I'm going with him a couple of days. Damn it's hard having to juggel youre life like that to get what you want!

BTW sorry there goes so long between my posts, but I'm hardly home anymore ;) YAY!!!

what is this?!

When ever I'm around my mother we argue. I try to stay out of the house as much as possible, but whenever I'm stuck here, she is constantly after me. I feel this huge hole in my heart. She threatens me to throw me out of the house. Even though I only act mad, then it really hurts. I cant look at her without wanting to hit her or start to cry...

It feels so empty and meaningless to try and make up with her... She dosn't love me. I'm only her maid... her slave...

I want to cut again. right now before I have to go down and eat a birthday dinner for her. I pray that I'll stay strong and not give up...

imaginary

I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops
As they're falling tell a story

If you need to leave the world you live in
lay you're head down and stay a while
though you may not remember dreaming
Then something waits for you to breath again

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

Don't say I'm out of touch
With this rampant chaos - your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
The nightmare I built my own world to escape

Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The Goddess of imaginary light

"2 days notice"

Sorry I havent been updating the blog these past 2 days, but i just haven't had the time.

I'll start catching up by telling about wednesday:
I was supossed to had been in the cinema with mik, but then all the sudden lars wrote early in the morning that he was home now. Just the fact that I was one of the first persons he wrote to when he got home really told me that he hadn't forgotten me. We arranged to meet that evening so I had to cancel with mik, cuz I was afraid that if I posponed it, then he would change his mind. sadlt then he fell aslepp around 5 o clock and slept all night, since he hadnt slept for a long time. I was a little mad at him there, but I could understand him cuz I've tryed it myself and you are really tirated... I stayed up till 1 just hopeing that he might wake up and to get my thoughts straight. I was so close to give up on him then, cuz It was once out of a million times that something had come between us.
Luckely I didn't and the next morning we began to write again after he had apologized ofcourse ;) He wanted me to come down to one of his friends and get some beer. i invited a friend along and she came over at my house first where we had a couple of beers. OH! and I drank a can beer on 34 seconds - New record !! :D
Well after I did that a couple of times I was already pretty drunk and so was my friend.
Lars had promissed that he would write when we schould come, cuz we had agreed to meet in this bar they where heading for, but then it started to rain :-/

We never made it over to the friend, but My dad drove me over to lars at 11 so we could watch that movie I had got for him and eat some popcorn. While we saw the movie we got to talk about us ofcourse... HE acctuatly told me that he had never tryed falling so fast for a girl he had just met, nor asking her home on their forst date(he means that he asked me home 5 days after we met)
I can scence in some way that he really likes me, and thats why he can't really let go everytime we brake up. Me using all the info from my friend and the psykology things I had picked up from him, I pretty much got him convinced that all our "problems" could be salved together now. (just so you kow then the problem with us is that he is afraid to open to much up and love me completely cuz I'll be able to hurt him to much then)
I think it sweet, but a bit hard for me to deal with, but I'm gonna try for his and mines sake. It's not like I'm in a hurry right :)

besiedes that then my dad saw my piercing yesterday while we where eating alone. I just thought that this was it, and that I had to take it out and get grounded for 3 years... but instead then he agreed with me that it was my body and that it was prolly best not to tell my mum... That was really surpricing to hear from him. I'm gratefull, but I still know that he will betray me if I upset him the least, so I have to be carefull for the next time period until he kinda has forgotten..

Well that was sort of what happened the last couple of days...

¨maria

Vampiristic

I once believed in vampires, but now I know that I saw it all wrong and I know what made them fascinated me.
They where abondonned to lonelyness cuz no human would ever understand and not fear them. Like "normal" ppl wont understand and fear the "disease" some like me carry. We dont drink blod like them, but we like the pain and are drawn to our own blood. Watching it dripp down from our selfinflicted cuts. Not being able to find rest at night, cuz we know that when dawn comes the pease will be gone and we have to put that mask back on. We can spend hours sitting in the dark enjoying the silence and the lonelyness.
We mostly dont care if we hurt ppl and can seem careless of others feelings. What some might call evil, while others see our "good" side cuz we trust them not to hurt us.
In so many way we remind so much of the fantasy figure called a vampire. who knows maybe Bram stoker was one of us and simply created a caracter that reflected himself when he wrote caunt dracula.

I know it sounds nuts, but some of us live so long in this lonyness, watching others life and living through them, so they evoulve a sort of skill that can read a persons thoughts by their actions. They can see the pain and frustration that other ppl so desperatly tryes to hide. It can make the insane having to deal with it and know when this person is faking its love towards them.
They dont tell others that they have this abillity cuz "normal" ppl would denie it trying to hide their secrets. Some just dont tell cuz they dont want to confront more pain and missery.

If you believe this or not is totaly up to you... I wont force anyone to belive it, but I've written this to make you think about it...

~maria

I'm sick og you using me!

I know the truth I only think you schould know that... I saw you and I know when you lie cuz I can regonize a tool I use myself!... I know you can afford this, and that it dosn't toucth you to use others to get what YOU want...

Well I really dont care, but remember that everyone else has fealings too!!
I'm sick of it and I dont need it in my life right now, so stay away unless you really want to know who I am with a non-selfish reason...
hope you understand and learn from it, before it causes serious dammage to a person

maria

I still get my days to go a little faster by hangingout with some friends or watching all my movies twice... I know it's sad, but what else can I do? inside i'm shivering and nervous about wednesday... I'm not afraid more like looking forward or happy about so the time goes incredible slow.

Today I almost fell asleep when ever I sat down on a chair. I gotta start getting some sleep at night. The only problem is that I can't sleep anymore. When I try it's like all my thoughts comes back to haunt me.

Another thing is that we have no food in the house at the moment. I guess that is good cuz then I dont get tempted, but it still bothers me not to have all the food around so I can look at it...or binge

~maria

I'm safe

Everything seems so clear now. I don't feel like i'm stombling around in the dark looking for the switch. Last night I saw this movie about a woman who gets forced to give birth to a child she got from a rape cuz the rapist held her prisoned till the law would protect the baby. I really like the movie cuz it was about how it's youre body youre rules... or well about how i schould be. The same goes for me... If i wanna destroy my future and my body, then that's my choice.

I also read my entire blog... Everyone of the post stod so clear for me as was I there again when I read them. I felt the sorrow and the joy I had felt back then. It gave me some perspektive to read it. I could overlook it all and I realized that I have changed so much those 5 months I've written my blog. I had to change to be able to be stronger and figt this thing, but along the road i have forgotten who I really was.
I saw myself changing...

Later on the night I went out to run. It had already gotten dark, but the moon made it all light up. everything gets a whole other apearence and it seems like the time stands still.
I descided to go in to my old kindergarten. I sat on a swing for a while, but nomatter where I looked I saw ghost of my past. All my forgotten memories were suddenly apearing in my mind. I saw my entire life that night.
When I got back in the house I was still reminded of something from my past when ever i saw a peticular object that had something to do with them. My room was the hardest. So much has happened here. I've spent almost one fourth of my life in that room, and most of the bad and good things has happened in there. I know it must sound weird, but I was walking into my room and there was I in different times and situations. It seemed so real, but I knew it was a memory.

i still see it all today, but not as clear. Now I can just remeber everything again. I can remember myself...

~maria

Hallo everyone...

I don't know what to write today.. I'm so ashamed and sad. O nly a few days after I wrote how great it is to have friends, then I f*** it all up. I don't know if I'm testing you all or wheahter I'm simply just selfdestructive... I didn't feel so great yesterday... it all started 24 hours ago. I was really depressed and in a very bad mood cuz my rents and brother had been anoying me all day. They had been watching and kriticising me for everything I do. I tryed to go on msn to find someone there that could chear me up a bit. Jesper was online and I talked a bit with him, but I slowly realized that I was ruining his mood by being so depressed and that upseted me quite a bit so I told him that I had to go off before I pissed anyone off. It wasn't bcuz of you jesper I had just had a bad day so all my issues doing this week had started to bild up inside and it was getting too much...

Later on the evening it got worse. I don't know what had made the cup run over, but I found myself crying over the smallest things. I found some chokolate in the house (2 plates) I started binging in the one plate, but when I tryed to purged I failed. I was so sad that I had done this to myself and not being able to undo it. I always had this small hope that I could undo whatever mistake I made. I guess I took this as a sign for that I can't undo all the mistakes that I've been trying so hard to undo. It had become my life. Trying to ælive out the childhood I had missed. trying to get lars back. trying to make my parents love me. trying to make my body perfekt... I broke down and started screaming and throwing things around. I broke a small lamp that my brother had givin me and tipped my entire dvd collection down from the shelf. My brother suddenly started knocking on my door, wanting to borrow a new movie I had bought. I didn't feel that I could stand talking to anyone at that moment so I just turned up the musik. My father then came and banged on my door. He said that I schould turn down the musik and answar my brother. Meanwhile I was jsut sidding on my floor with my knees drawn up to my head. I cryed harder when my father started threatening me and my mother came to his assistense. I just couldn't take it anymore and I screamed. it became quiet for a while, but then they asked what was wrong... WHAT WAS WRONG?! huh I felt a huge urdge to go out there and shout directly to their face that I hated them and never wanted to see them again, but instead I just said that they schould leave me alone... after a while they did...

I later on fell a sleep on the floor after I had cut my upper arm four times. The blade was really blunt so it wasn't deep.

I'm sorry for everything that i said and did, but I was really out there and didn't know what to do... please forgive me

Changes

I'm not supposed to be scared of anything
But I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted
And nobody understands
I'm tryin' hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs
There’s no one here to talk to
And the pain inside is making me numb

I try to hold this, under control
They can't help me
'Cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm feelin' weak and weary walkin' through this world alone
Everything I say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone
I've got something to say but now I got nowhere to turn
It feels like I’ve been buried underneath all the weight of the world


(how I feel right now)

~maria