Hello again..

There it is, the first crack in my new found happiness.. My closest friend through the past 2 years, has given up and is back to her old life with drinking, drugs and crime. I can't really figure out how I'm reacting to this. I know how I would have reacted before, but I don't seem to feel the same, and it's confusing me.
I've been in this situation before, but then I always had one foot out the door anyways, so it made it easier. My new beginning rests on the premis that I put almost all fear behind me. I knew there would be casulties on my side, but.. Well I won't let it bother me too much. I have so much going for me right now. I won't try to save her either. She has to learn for herself.
I'm angry... I see her do what I did, and it's hard to see it all again.

Sigh...

^maria

I knew this would happend

For some reason I always feel a little blue whenever I've spent some time with Jesper. I'ts not because of the time spent, but maybe because it's such a nice time that i feel sad when it ends. In my mind nothing is certain, and I don't expect there to be a next time.
It didn't help much that I din't stop myself reliving a painfull memory in my head from back when we partet ways the last time. I blocked so many memories, and this paticular one is one that has been burried very deep. I have to let them play through when they are there, or they will vanish again for an unknown amount of time, though I think I could have done without that one.

I gotta get my mood in a better place soon, cuz I can't stand being around other ppl when i'm like this, and I have to go visit a girlfriend. Luckely I know she'll understand if I wanted to talk about it, but I'd rather not let my mood affect anyone else, not even Jesper.
I sort of wanna cut, but again, I think it's just this idea in my head that it'll help when I know it won't. Besides, don't even got the time. I feel sort of silly for wanting to, cuz there isn't enough of a problem for me to justify it. I also know that it will hurt more than just me.

It's no longer typical for me to have these kind of days. Most of the time I'm actually happy. It's very new for me to be happy, and I didn't recognize it at first. Even when i'm sick as hell, and stressed out from all the homework, I'm still happy. I think Jesper has a lot to do with that, but also because i've finally started my real life. I'm making a lot of new friends and I feel like i'm getting somewhere.

J(not jesper) haven't forgotten you. I always wonder if you still read my blog, when i'm writting these posts. I wonder how you are and if you're still in the us. I'd like to hear from you if you still reads this. *hugs*


^maria