"god" came through..

I was kept safe yesterday in the sence that i somehow slept all the way through it and woke up somewhat in a good mood, and was able to keep it up all evening and night. So some higher power or whatever must have had felt sorry for me.
My mother has somewhat been leeving my for my own, but she has also been begging me to come home so that i could be taken care off.. strangely she has never been like that before, so i don't quite believe it's true. I'll see how thay react saturday when my brother has his graduation party, and then i'll perhaps return home..

..home.. sigh, the only place i feel unhappy, but still feels is my home.. weird huh?

~maria

reason

I'd like to dedicate this post to my dog, gucci, cuz she means the world to me. sitting here at the brink of suicide for the hundred time, she still gives me at reason to continue a little while longer. I just want her to be safe, and I can't leave till i'm sure.. please please PLEASE! make sure someone that she is, if i ever go away, and make sure she is happy and loved like i do now..
can hardly catch my breathe and the tears are rolling down my cheeks as i write this. need a sec. to continue....

back.; well since last post i have just blown my chance at the job i got as caretacker for the elder. I truely loved the job and was nothing more than deeply gratefull to have gotten the job. But something broke inside me, and i just couldn't do it anymore.. Now i live at my dear causin cuz i can't even face my own parents. I feel I'm such a dissapointment, so i'd rather live in "no man's land" right now.. but I hope my causin knows that he has done more than i ever could have hoped for and he has saved me more times than i ever deserved from him. love you and thank you from the bottum of my heart.
tomorow is my brothers graduation day, and i'm happy for him.. he made it, but at the same time the day is a huge reminder of what a failure I am for never making it thrugh collage. my mother wants me to give my brother the hat on, but it'll just be like the time when she "threw" a baby in my arms two days af my abortion..


I just feel like giving up.. oh dear god, if you excist, then please keep me safe tomorrow so that i'm still able to be here for Gucci

..all i ask

^maria

you and me..

need to get this out, cuz can't sleep until i do.
Found out that kim has been with another, and its a strange ambivelant emotion. on the one hand i'm jealus angry and hurt, and imagening their bodies together.. did he say the same to her, was she better than me, and what caused him to do it.. on the other hand i'm glad that i no longer have to feel guilty for loving someone else, and me heart is at ease now that i know he can go on., still it hurts so damn much and i feel left behind.

I can't seem to grasp why 3 ppl like me and even perhaps love me.. why do they think i'm worth that much? what is it ?!