Pretty much screwed, but I have a plan..

I'm getting really worried about this christmas party we have in our town on the 25th December.. both Lars and dorthe are gonna be there. Lars is still upset with my guy-friends so he's pretty set-up for a fight.. I've tried everything I could to talk him out of it, but nothing worked, so now I think I have to threaten him with cutting. On top of that I have to be carefull not getting to drunk to controle myself if I see dorthe =/ I'm not looking foreward to it at all, but I'm still going just to show that I'm not staying home on their account, and I think my friends can stand up for them selves.. I'll just warn them..

So I wheighed myself today after fasting yesterday. I'm down to 60,7 kg.. so close at passing one of my goals.
I've put date on each goal and their're realistic, so hopefully that'll make it easier.
I'm gonna make candy for christmas with a friend today, so I'll prolly taste a couple of the things, but as long as I exersice tonight I'll be ok.

I've written down my wheight all year and here is a chart of how it's been going up and down..



I seriously hate christmas.. I'm not looking foreward to christmaseve at all.. I'm constantly depressed and sad or angry. When I'm a rare time happy I just need the catch a glimse of myself in a mirror before I'm depressed again :(
fat and ugly..

^maria

Fucked..

Did I tell you about the probleme I have with two guys? they're both really sweet, but two completly different types, and they're best friends.. Well I've been with one of them and he's pretty much hooked, where I'm still not sure because of the other guy and lars..
Well I fucked up saturday.. I ended up kissing with them both and miraculous neither of them saw it.. I was just so angry with Lars, so I took one of them home(the one i've already been with)
Then yesterday and today I've been writing a lot with the other one.. My probleme is that everyone says that Michael (2th. one) is the best choice, and I've already met his rents and we've made dinner together twice which was so nice. sigh.. I just don't know what to do.. I don't want to hurt neither of them cuz they're also two of my best friends. I felt like such an ass saturday so I sat at the girls bathroom at this party and cut my arm a lot.. One of my friends nick got worried about me and send a stranger in to call my name and ask me to come out - he's so sweet :)

I'm staying home from school today.. I just couldn't face it - i dunno..
My mum somehow guessed and stod outside my door and rang the bell for a while, but I pretended not to be home.. she wrote me a message saying I was stupid as a card-board and it is hard realizing that she has a daughter which isn't responsible at all.
screw her.. she doesn't know anything about me :'(

Anyway it was a great trip to copenhagen.. I just broke my faste and ate at the restaurant, but it was healthy and we walked all day so I don't think I've done any damage.
So on with it again today


^maria

No guilt..

My faste is doing great.. Haven't eaten since sunday and I've already lost 1,5 kg and a half cm around each thigh -yay! I've only had a lot of water, one cup of hot powder chokolate and a couple glass of juice.. so I'm around 200 cals

It's not as hard as I thought, but I'm only at day 2 and right now my stomach is growling pretty badly. Tomorrow is the day we go to copenhagen. Hopefully it'l be easy to recist any food over there. It was easy when i was in London two years ago(damn time moves fast - feels like yesterday)
It's a big release not having to feel guilty for all the food I eat.
Only 6 kg to go..

I don't understand why that idiot can keep hurting me(Lars), but somehow he did - again!!!
Argh I hate him so much!

Hope I'll get my mind of things with this trip..

~maria

P.s this is how I would like my thighs and ass to look like

Faste..

So I've descided to begin my 7 days faste this week.. I'm going with my class to our capital on wednesday, so it'll be easier for me to keep my mind of food.
The rules arer simple for a faste. I can't eat no more than 600 cals this entire week.
If I can't make it through this then I give up trying to loose wheigt.

This weekend was strange.. I was suposed to whatch a movie with Lars yesterday evening when I came from work, but I wasn't able to get in contact with him at all. It's very strange, cuz he normally always carry his phone with him, and I don't think he is mad at me for any reason, cuz he wrote all day saturday.
It irritates the crap out of me..

Other than that, then I had a guy named Kim to sleep over thursday to friday and saturday to sunday.. he is a sweet guy, but I don't think I'm interested in a relationship with him, so no celebrations just yet..

I was really depressed this morning, and I'm not feeling too good. Think I'm gonna call the shrink today cuz this morning I woke up and the first thing I did, was to cut. I just can't do this any more.. I forced myself to go to school, but I really which I was in my bed right now

^maria