Feel like whining..

Today has been a real shitty day.. Got to school way to early and look like shit.. I got an exstra class than usual, and have to work later..
I'm sick of feeling tired and depressed. everything seems enormous to overcome. I fear my depression is back, but I try to keep focus on something else, and since I haven't got a hobby and lack self-asteem, then why not focus on loosing weight?
I try to forget and get past the guy i talked about earlier, but he's just not letting me, and in some way it's tearing me up inside. My self-asttem is at it's altime lowest, and my mood is constantly going back and forth between being happy and depressed.
I recognize a lot of this whole situation from back when me and Lars first started dating, because he also couldn't make up his mind, and kept me in theunknown which a long with other things draged me down into depression.
Again my mind is trying to speak reason with my heart, but it's a tigh and I'm left with the unknown and indifferent situation that I'm in.

I was suposed to have been out partying tomorrow, but because of school I had to cancel, so instead I'm stuck alone in my apartment with my thoughts..

My diet also started monday.. my starting weight is 59 kg.. lets see how fast I can loose the

~maria

My confessions..

Forgive me for the bad spelling today, but I have pretty big hangovers. As a good friend once said, then I only post when something is wrong, which there is.
I don't know where to begin, but I supose I schould say, that after Lars I fell for a new guy, and it seemed mutual. Only probleme was, that we had both just gotten out of a relationship, so things went bad as you say. We ended up having to go seperate ways, because he wasn't ready to move on. I don't know what it is with the guys I find, but this one ended up feeling so bad about it that he shed a couple of tears. Why does everyone feel so bad for me?! I couldn't very well be mad at him for hurting me, when he felt so bad about it, so I end up having no one but myself to blaim. Anyways, after that I just felt like drinking, so I called up my friend Rune, and he came to pick me up. We went out to his big brothers house, and then we started drinking. Another guy I know was there too, and at some point I found out that he had been out taking a couple of lines, so I asked him if he had more. We went to the toilet and I had a line, which later turned to 4. I didn't really feel anything besides more confident. I know how fucked it is that I was even doing it, and Rune also got dissapointed in me. Ofcause I felt badly about that, but I also just felt like I had to do something, and doing stupid things has just become my thing. I feel better when I'm being selfdestructive. Rune took me a little away from the others to make me realize how incredible stupid I was. Then the facade cracked and I ended up crying on his schoulder. I just felt/feel so worthless, and I wanted to cut if I had been alone, but luckely Rune didn't leave me alone for a minute. I know that I acted stupid, but it helped me. I just hope everyone then can forgive me for doing those things on the only grounds that it made me feel better..

I've begun to miss Lars a lot once in a while, cuz he simbolizes stabillity, but I can't go back. Not now that I've sacraficed so much to get here. I wonder if I'll ever just find someone that will make me happy. As Rune says, then I need someone a lot stronger than me, someone that I can't brake down, and so fare none has proven to make the cut.

^maria

...

I don't really feel like posting, but promissed it to a friend was worried.. So here goes.. bah, been sittin here with the window open for an hour and still don't know what to write.. I give up

~maria