It's over now..
I had the most shitty day in a long time today.. This morning I woke up and went out to weigh myself, only to descover, I had gained 2 kg. I glanced at myself in the mirror, and all the sudden I had huge tighs and a fat stomach. When I put on my jeans, I felt they were getting too small, so all day I went around feeling fat and ashamed of my body..
I ran into dorthe later on the day in a clothing store. I suddenly felt so humiliated.. so I made up my mind, and wrote to Lars that I could never forgive him for what he had done.. I chose this, but it isn't easy.. I haven't eaten anything all day except for a pack of sugarfree paastills.. So when I had sent the message to Lars my heart couldn't handle it and it started pounding so hard I got dizzy and had to sit down on the floor. When I got a replay from lars saying he would do anything to change my mind, I broke down cuz I knew I had to say goodbye.. I sad on the floor and cried while I held myself and rocking forth and back to comfort myself.. I finally got my act together and went on with my day..
Lately I've been having some problems concerning the abotion I had in february. it all stated tuesday night, where I dreamt I was pregnant again, so when I woke up, I had a hard time shaking the guilty feeling of me.. then yesterday at work, the song happy birthday suddenly plays on the radio, and I don't know why, but I just couldn't hold my tears back, so I had to go out in the back an pull myself together. The song usually don't bother me..
I'm listening to it now as I write this, hoping it'll make the feeling go away.. Today I got the same sad and guilty feeling when I sad in the bus on my way to school. Outside came a little cute boy running along the sidewalk.. I couldn't help questioning myself if that was how my child would have looked like..
I've tryed everything now to make the feeling go away.. I've cut, I've drank, I've done drugs, I've slept, I've cried, I've laughed, I've starved and binged.. nothing has helped.. I've come to find that only one thing truely helps.. love..
But what do I do when I'm afraid to love again? I fear history will repeat itself, and I'll get hurt.. The time with Lars has left a bigger scar than one I could ever make with my knife..
I'm determined to go down to 50 kg now. I can always use all this to motivate me.
Even if I'm gonna faint, I'm gonna try so hard to loose the weight.. this will keep my mind of everything else that's too painfull
~maria >
I had the most shitty day in a long time today.. This morning I woke up and went out to weigh myself, only to descover, I had gained 2 kg. I glanced at myself in the mirror, and all the sudden I had huge tighs and a fat stomach. When I put on my jeans, I felt they were getting too small, so all day I went around feeling fat and ashamed of my body..
I ran into dorthe later on the day in a clothing store. I suddenly felt so humiliated.. so I made up my mind, and wrote to Lars that I could never forgive him for what he had done.. I chose this, but it isn't easy.. I haven't eaten anything all day except for a pack of sugarfree paastills.. So when I had sent the message to Lars my heart couldn't handle it and it started pounding so hard I got dizzy and had to sit down on the floor. When I got a replay from lars saying he would do anything to change my mind, I broke down cuz I knew I had to say goodbye.. I sad on the floor and cried while I held myself and rocking forth and back to comfort myself.. I finally got my act together and went on with my day..
Lately I've been having some problems concerning the abotion I had in february. it all stated tuesday night, where I dreamt I was pregnant again, so when I woke up, I had a hard time shaking the guilty feeling of me.. then yesterday at work, the song happy birthday suddenly plays on the radio, and I don't know why, but I just couldn't hold my tears back, so I had to go out in the back an pull myself together. The song usually don't bother me..
I'm listening to it now as I write this, hoping it'll make the feeling go away.. Today I got the same sad and guilty feeling when I sad in the bus on my way to school. Outside came a little cute boy running along the sidewalk.. I couldn't help questioning myself if that was how my child would have looked like..
I've tryed everything now to make the feeling go away.. I've cut, I've drank, I've done drugs, I've slept, I've cried, I've laughed, I've starved and binged.. nothing has helped.. I've come to find that only one thing truely helps.. love..
But what do I do when I'm afraid to love again? I fear history will repeat itself, and I'll get hurt.. The time with Lars has left a bigger scar than one I could ever make with my knife..
I'm determined to go down to 50 kg now. I can always use all this to motivate me.
Even if I'm gonna faint, I'm gonna try so hard to loose the weight.. this will keep my mind of everything else that's too painfull
~maria >