For all the right reasons..

The last couple of days have been tough. Lars hasn't done a singel thing wrong that I could get irretatet over. Don't get me wrong, that's not what I use to justify braking up ´with him, but it makes it all easier to have some concrete thing to blame.
I took a long walk with my friend Lykke yesterday evening, under the cover of having to help her with some advice. I told her how I felt and we disgussed a little back and forward all the aspects and consequences of the decision I'm gonna have to make. She could tell me what to do, which I knew wouldn't be right anyway. But I keep hoping for some simpel painless choice, and I keep postponing it. Hoping that some easy way will reveal itself to me.
When I got back from the walk and went to be, Lars wanted to fool around, which I honestly didn't feel like, so I rejected him. He said okay, but I could see him clearly in the dark. He was frustrateded, which is understandable, but I still asked him what was wrong. He said he was thinking about what he was doing wrong, and why he couldn't turn me on anymore.
In my head I was thinking a million thoughs at the same time, but I couldn't get myself to choice one and say it out loud. finallly I came to the decision that I could give him little peaces of the problem and what was going on so it wouldn't come all at once. I wanted to prepare him a little.
here's what I said: "I'm a little afraid that this could be because we perhaps in my point of view are slipping away from being lovers into being more friends or roomates. I'm not saying THAT's the reason, but what I mean is that I fear that's why." HE asked me again what he was doing wrong, which I had to tell him that he didn't do anything wrong, cuz as he could see we work great together when it comes to the apartment. He then suggested that he could move home for some time, cuz he was willing to do anything. I don't think I could feel anymore of a bitch at that point, but I just answared that I didn't know what was the solution to this.
The conversation was over, and we both attempted to sleep. I could se that Lars's eyes were open and blank so I turned away from him, so I didn't have to see him hurting. My brain constantly tried to put myself in his place, which was unbareble. I wasn't really sad if I only though about my own situation, but thinking about how this must be for him was more than I could handle, so I shutted my feelings of and thought about the pair of pants I've been thinking about purchasing.
This morning when Lars went of to work he was really depressed, but I pretended as nothing had happened. I'm fine today, except for I can't help feeling like a bitch when I think about how Lars is doing. Where is that mean and careless side of Maria when I need it?!
Lars is and will always be a special person to me because we've been through so much good and bad, but he really is more of a friend to me right now. I'm not sure how this formal thing is gonna go tonight, or how the next couple of days are gonna be, but I'm hoping I'll be true to my heart and not the coward and guilty side of me.

~maria

Frustration

I'm getting closer and closer to braking up with Lars. We fight and argue all the time, and we never laugh with eachother anymore.
I keep trying to figure out ways to keep myself busy so he doesn't notice to much the change in me.
I don't wanna write sms'es with him like I used to all the time, and I don't look forward to be getting home to him.. I just guess I'm looking for the right time to brake it to him, and finding the curage. We have said yes to a 50 year birthday saturday, so I can't get myself to do it before that.. and I schould be able to survive 3 more days..
Lars is really frustrated though, because we haven't had sex in 3 weeks, but I just don't feel like it. I get mad when that is all he want's, but now it seems like he has givin' up trying so I can get some peace.
I keep trying to imagine how things would be like without him, and ironicle I keep thinking that I'm gonna miss the car(!) that schouldn't be the reason why I stay with him?! I'll just lean to manage like my friends do.
I haven discided completely to brake up, but it just get worse and worse. I guess we have just grown apart somewhere along the way..

My weight is at 55 kg (goal 48 kg in 3 weeks)
I've lost 4 cm around each thigh

Lately I have been allowing myself to slack a little on my diet, but that's over now. School starts in 3 weeks now, so I have to pull myself together.


*Maria

The easy way out

At work yesterday, I don't know if it was because of boredom or frustration, but I just needed to do something different, so I took a cigaret and went outside to smoke it. I'm not gonna start smoking, I don't really know why I smoked that one cigaret.
When I got home from work I took of my make-up and jumped in my pyjamas and sat down next to Lars and watched some tv. We sat there like two siblings and barely spoke a word. I tryed to start a conversation, but something was clearly bothering him, so I waited for him to let it out. He finally did, and the things he told me still amaze me. He said that he could sence that I was getting tired of him, and he asked me if I still wanted to live with him. I tried my best to convince him that I would, but it was just impossible. He said that he was still crazy about me, but he didn't think I was happy, so I schould give it some thought, and figure out if it was still him I wanted. I know that he was saying if it continued this way, we couldn't stay together, but I just didn't feel very much when he said it..
Never in my life has he been so calm and so reasonable. I don't think I could ever have done the same thing, but it leaves me with a choice that I'm gonna considder carefully.


Maria^

no more..

I've tried, maybe for too long, but now it has worn me out. I'm not really happy any more. To be honest I've never looked forward to moving in with Lars. We haven't really had a happy moment since we moved. Things has just been okay, but I want more. We have a good apartment, finance and arrengement of housework, but I'm still not happy.
I fall more and more back into my depretion, and all he can think about is himself and his needs. Having him nagging on me isn't exactly helpfull..
I was out shopping with my mother today (the first time in 2 years and the fourth time in my life) and I asked her what I was suposed to do if I no longer wanted to be with Lars. Her first reaction was to chocked say that we had only live together about a month. after that she demanded to know why I was so unhappy. I had to get mad at her befor eI could get the answar I wanted, which was that they would help me financialy if I needed it. She wouldn't let me go before I had told her about a hundred times that she schouldn't worry about me being so unhappy I would cut or anything. I knew it was gonna be like that, but I needed to know..
I'm exploring my options for finding a new place and how fast I would be able to do it. I'd rahter not live with him too long after I would have broken him the news, since it would just be unbareble..
He saw the cuts today, but when he started to ask questions I just got mad and told him that I didn't want to talk about it, since he wouldn't understand anyway.
It's hell being around him, cuz I have to act all normal, eventhough I really don't wanna laugh at his jokes, smile at him, have a conversation or have sex. I'm afraid it will complicate things more or make me feel even more evil if I schould brake it of. I don't hate or dislike him, I'm just selfish and wanting to leave because MY feelings have changed. I can't help having it in my conciderations that it's his houseoppertunities I mess with too, but unlike me, he has a loving family to come home to, and hes got as much oppertunity to live alone as I do.
In my head I go over all the reasons against and for again and again.. Its so bad I can't sleep for at night, and I don't wanna be awake because of it.
Sigh..

^maria

Nothing unuasual

I don't feel like posting much tonight, but I need to write something..
I'm really down, and I feel like cutting. I've been crying for a while now. It seems that something just fillede the cup, and it ram over it's edges. Suddenly all my problems hit my like a train, and all the lucked up shit reapears.

I just need to mourn and hit the buttom completly before I can even begin to crawl back up.
I don't wanna say why I feel this way right now, but I promis I will...

*Maria

Time heals everything..

I was visiting lars yesterday, but I hadn't really been looking forward to it. There was no joy by seeing him when I finally arrived, but he was his usual sweet self. The whole day was a disaster anyway. just a room full of the wrong people. Only 2-3 I like, but I tried to make the best of it, and putted on a smiley face and had 4 drinks. As the night pogressed I became more and more distant. I just didn't want to be there. Lars babled a couple of times about comming home for one day, but I convinced him not to. Cuz the thing is, that I actualy like being home alone. I know there is a couple of pretty girls in the summercap to, but I didn't feel jealous at all. It hit me, that I didn't really care WTF he was doing. I told him I had a headace and went to the bathroom where I took his razor and cutted..
Afterwards I went to bed, and drove home early the next morning. Unfortunatly when I came home I was still depressed and took my razorblade to cut some more.
It helps for a while, cuz all my thoughs evolve around the pain and not everything else.
I can't help feeling that I'm with the wrong person when I get like this, but I also know that he is good to me, and it's the only way I can live away from my parents..
I feel like shit when I know I'm suposed to be honest, loving and guilty towards him, but just isn't. I don't know what it all means, and I'm tired of trying to figure it out.
There is only 3 things that helps a little now. two is cutting, and starwing, the third thing is hanging out with Jesper. But reallity always catches up with me.

~maria

No point to make..

Sometimes I feel like I have to sound wise, or make some kinda point when I write on this blog. I try to remind myself that I write this to express myself and get some of my frustrations out, cuz if they build up, i end up cutting...

Lars been gone for 2 days now, and I'm not proud to say, that I don't really miss him. I do in a way, because having him around is familiar, but that's also the only reason. I had some time at work to think, cuz when I'm bored i can't help thinking about things. I thought about what it is that makes me stay with lars, and all the things driving me away from him, and I realized that it's because he means safety to me, but one important thing is missing. We've never been able to talk about the darker sides of life. And I really need to because I have spent so much time there, and I still do sometimes. He doesn't know half of all the worries and fears I have. He doesn't know that I feel fat, and take diet pills. He's not my confidant, someone else is...

I don't know what I need the most, cuz it's two so seperate things.. and I want them both.

My weight is down to 54,5 kg

My Autumn

Almost 2 and a half year has pasted since so much took it's begining, but to me it only feels like a year where i've only reached the autumn.. my favorite season. People use autumn as a metafor for their old age because it is the last transformation till winther - death. To me autumn is the season where everything prepares it self for rougher times. It is the most beautiful time of the year. There are so many colors and different days with eighter rain or wind, and a constant gray sky. It can seem like nature is sad. Perhaps that's what makes it so beautiful...

I was out shopping for a pair of pants today, and eventhough I left my apartment, feeling that I looked okay, and looking forward to it, then when I got to the stores and tryed on some pants, I couldn't help feeling realy fat and ugly. Everywhere you see posters of really beautiful skinny models, while the sizes available in the stores become smaller and smaller. How is someone suposed to keep their self-confidence. I'm at the point where i feel guilty everytime i eat. I can't stop thinking about food, and planing what and when i can afford to eat. I know I'm not fat at all, but I feel disgusting, and I can really feel ashamed to show of my body. After the weekende, where I had been drinking for two nights, I felt that I had to wear my most baggy pants to work so that my co-workers couldn't see how much weight I had gained that weekend.
I know it's wrong for me to feel that way, but I can't help it, and I don't wanna feel ashamed over my body everytime I walk out the door, so I'm gonna continue trying to lose weight.

I'm down to 56 kg...