I'm in the deep end of the pool, and I don't know how to swimm..

I cutted again today, and I haven't touched food all day. I just feel.. well I don't know.. not in the mood. I worked all day today, and I have to again tomorrow. It's really boring, but that way I can jsut take my mind of food, excercise and everything else by presuring myself into working harder.

Î think I'm going to stop posting for a while...

^maria

So desperat..



I've been working out for 9 days in a row now, and at the same time avoided unhealthy food and eating my pills. I just don't seem to loose weight. The only thing positiv i've gained from this yet, is that my but and thighs are more firm than ever, wich is good thing.. but I want to be as thin as I was before the pregnancy.

But I'm really proud of my self for finding the motivation to keep up the training every day!

^maria

I know it's stupid

I was really depressed the last time I wrote.
I didn't feel like I was any good, but that's just a stupid excuse.
Later that evening I cut the words fail into my wrist. It helped..
I made a promis to myself that I was gonna do something about it all instead of sitting and feeling sorry for myself.
I've worked out for an hour every day now the past five days. At the same time I've kept a strict diet with the help of my pills.

The training has already made me in better shape, and helped me loose weight. I don't really have goal except I wanna go below 50 kg this time.. just to prove to myself that I am cabable of it. Then I will have lost over 20 kg since 9th grade.
I just don't feel beautiful or attractive, even though my commen sence says that i schould be content.

I'm not proud of any of this, but I can't help what I feel, and I've never been a person with strong will.. Sometimes it would just be easier if I could switch of all my thoughts for a little while, and just be a doll. At the moment I can't even stand hearing sad songs, bcuz they bring me down.

Sigh... if I only knew why I have to be depressed!


~Maria

Friends

Real friends are someone you care about, and you trust they can hold your biggest secrets. True friends, will stay loyal and forgive you for your mistakes. I would go through a lot for these people, and I'll hate and hurt with them..
I never had a lot of true friends. I guess I'm just not good at trusting people, or perhaps you just don't find a lot of these kind of persons.
I had a really shitty day today, and I had to test one of my friends.. I don't know if I can say we worked through our issues. I always confront a person if I feel there is a problem. I simply can't stand people who avoids problems. I think they are cowards! well, I had this issue with one of my close friends, and I confronted her with it. We ended up finding a solution, but I was really depressed afterwards. I'm glad we could work through it, but I just couldn't help feeling a little scared that I had to loose her like i did with stick.. So I was a little depressed afterwards, and when I got home I ate a chocolatebar and purdge it up again cuz I just felt so fat.

I've started to talk a lot to this other gilr Lykke. She was in my french class for two years, but back then we were just classmates, and because she had anorexia and kept going in and out of institutions, we never got a chance to become friends. We are becomming really close, and have a lot in common with out "parental-problems" and we drink equaly much and don't judge eachother by it.
That is always a possitive thing, so I can now count my list of close frinds to 5, but only 2 of these knows me really well, and only one of those knows 97 % of my entire beeing.
I think that is a little bit scary, but I always keep this sort of shield up that will make me able to cope withotu friends... or so I try to let myself believe.. Sigh! who am I kidding! I would parrish if I lost all my friends.

I know that one of my close friends is depressed tonight, and there is just nothing I can do, even though I would give anything to help...
I can't stand to see them hurt! Then I'd rather hurt for them.

well thinking about you if that helps :)

^maria

Rollercoaster

My days are as different as autumn and spring
As if I never reach summer and bearly avoids winter
It is as if I'm drowning in the thawriver
weakened from trying to stay above

Too proud to reach out
Too stubborn to give in
I keep going under

The frost is flowing in my wains,
but My heart won't give up
Still can't find what keeps me here
I need some sleep and peace

Too comfortable with pain to let go
Too Trouble to be happy
I keep going under

I linger in the dark
whatching my youth dissapear
With this rambling chaos I silently crumple
Hate and revenge is all that keeps me warm

Too blessed to see it
Too afraid to move from my hidding shadows
I keep on going under


^maria

Typical me!

Seriously ! I schould really considder never drinkin' again. So to start the story about my night of disaster, then yesterday was the traditional easter party in my town. I was going to a pre-party at a friend of mine. Lars was going to some gentlemen-dinner or what ever they called it. I had to work till 9 so when i finally arrived at my friends house, i was a little behind on the drinking part. It had to go fast because i didn't wanna buy drinks. There was a lot of my friends there, inkluding a guy i once went in the same class with, and had a crush on in eight grade. The evening slipped along great. I really had a lot of fun with the guys and the girls. When it got time to go, the guy from eight grade pulled me a little bit away from the others, and he just started going on about how good I looked, and asked if he could kiss me (he has a girlfriend btw and is a close friend to both me and lars) I was both chocked and flatered. It felt really good that this gy finally noticed me. I genlty letted him down, so that we didn't sacrafice our friendship.

When i finally got to the real party, there were already a lot of my friends. I found lars, and had only just said hi when a girl comes over and gives him a hug, he barely had time to see how she was before i push her away hardly. It was his x's little sister. The x he had the little repeat with, and her little sister is an exact copy of her and they are close as hell. I knocked her over and pulled her away from everyone. We had a little chat where i kindly told her to tell her sister to never contact lars again, cuz we are happy and moving in together. before she went in agian she slipped a little comment about it only had been txice her sister and lars had been together. This really pissed me of, and as drunk as i was, I found lars and yelled at him for the rest of the night. My best frined came to my rescue and got a cap to drive us home. I feel realy stupid for yelling at lars, but he has forgiven me, and in sober condition I know he hasn't been with that bitch twice. But if i had found her sister again that evening, i'm pretty sure i had knocked her out! I was really pissed!

I laugh a bit about it today, cuz she fucking deserved it. I think i frigthened her a bit, cuz she went home straight after our little talk ;) hehe

well that was my night of disaster in short - except for the thing about yelling at lars, then it was a pretty funny night..

^maria

Unknown

The car radio was playing on my way to school, suddenly they played a song that made my eyes water. The lyrics really hit me hard..
------------------------------------------------------
~Please accept my apologies, wonder what would have been
Would you've been a little angel or an angel of sin?
Tom-boy running around, hanging with all the guys.
Or a little tough boy with beautiful brown eyes?
I payed for the murder before they determined the sex
Choosing our life over your life meant your death
And you never got a chance to even open your eyes
Sometimes I wonder as a fetus if you faught for your life?
Would you have been a little genius in love with math?
Would you have played in your schoolclothes and made me mad?
Would you have been a little rapper like your papa da Piper?
Would you have made me quit smokin' by finding one of my lighters?
I wonder about your skintone and shape of your nose?
And the way you would have laughed and talked fast or slow?
Think about it every year, so I picked up a penHappy birthday, love you whoever you woulda been
Happy birthday...

I've got a millon excuses to why you died
Bet the people got their own reasons for homicide
Who's to say it woulda worked, and who's to say it wouldn't have?
I was young and strugglin' but old enough to be your dad
The fear of being a father has never disappeared
Pondering frequently while I'm zippin' on my beer
My vision of a family was artificial and fake
So when it came time to create I made a mistake
Happy birthday, love you whoever you woulda been
Happy birthday...~
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I know that I'd one day regret what I've done, but now isn't the time to brake down and morn..
One thing I have learned from this is that I have to do things right now, it won't make me turn into a saint, but I've descided that I have to tell people how I feel now. There is a subject that has been nagging me for a long time, and I think it is time for me to talk to the person it is about..

Welcome home

Yesterday I went to school like always. I had a little stomach ace but nothing I couldn't handle. I hadn't eaten the pills since i found out that I was pregnant, but that day I started up again. The day was going fine till about 11. I had a group assignment I had to present for the class with my two frinds, but my stomach started to hurt really badly shortly before. It got so bad I couldn't be anywhere, so I called up Lars and he came to pick me and drove me to the doctor. I could hardly walk, but managed to walk out to the car from my classroom. I felt dissy, and I was hyperventilating. When we arrived at the doctor they at first made me wait 20, till I just couldn't take the pain any more. I'm usualy not a sensitive person, and I have a high painlevel, but this was worse than anything I've ever tried. Finally the stupid secretary at the doctor realized how much pain i was in a got the doctor from a consultation. He gave my a shot of some pain-relieving drug. He amidiatly called the hospital and wanted me commited at once. When I arrive at the hospital, I got sent to a room where they did some test and took a blood and urin sample. I had a very high fever. I had to go for 6 hours without water or food, before they could do more. Then I got sent to a scanning witch showed that I had some tisssue left from the abortion which were causing an infection and a slow blood poisoning, so they told me I had to have surgery. While I was waiting for the surgery they did osme more test because my blood sugar was unusualy high. It proved to be nothing fortunatly, and about 11 I got driven down to surgery. They put me fully under anaesthesia. I woke up at about 1.00 am at night at intensive care. They kept me there for the night, and today they sent my home around noon. As a little comfort after the long fast, Lars bought some food from McDonalds for me, but I couldn't really eat more than one hamburger.
I have to take anibiotics for a week, but other wise they say that I'm fine now. I have some pain in my stomach, but they said that it is normal.

It was a rough 24 hours, and tomorrow I have to get up from bed and take my midterm test. I obviously haven't had time to study for this test, so I'm dredding that it's not gonna go very well. Allthough I normally get 10 (B) in all my resent test, then I think the stomach ace is gonna destract me :/

Wish me luck!

~maria

It's over..

The abortion was sat to start friday evening, by saturday afternoone it was over. My child only lived for 6 weeks and 6 days exactly. It hurt like hell, and the doctors said that it would continue to hurt for 2-3 weeks, but I'm not complaining. The doctors also told me, that I might have a rough time emotional too. So fare I've stayed strong by shutting it out. I'm afraid to think or talk about it, cuz I don't want to hurt.. I don't want to realize what this really was.
When me and Lars was ast the hospital to get scanned, lars accidental look at the monitor which he regrets now. He just can't get the image out of his mind. He told me that it already had the shape of a little child. It's very hard for him and we both have trouble faling asleep at night. So fare I haven't aloved myself to morne, and that makes Lars a little conserned for me, cuz he thinks that i'll brake down the next time i'm a little drunk, or have a rough time.

If i schould mention a possitive thing in my life, then I'm moving out the 15 June. Me and Lars has got an apartment, and it's quite a big one to. We have a really good economy. Because of my depretion in the past, I'm able to get full student grant.. Now I can finally get out of my house!

I'm crossing my fingers that things from now on will be a little brighter, now that i have something to look foreward to