I don't know what's wrong

I'm fearing my depession is back.. I can feel the changes in my mind. I don't know what to do. I don't feel I can tell anyone, cuz they all think that I'm over it. I only got back together with lars bcuz I promised him I was better, so now I'm afraid to tell him. What if he brakes up?!
I'm moody, but mostly just cold and blundt to my suroundings. Lars has also promessed me that he would sleep over at my house from monday to thuesday, cuz he hasn't got to work, but then he suddenly couldn't come cuz he didn't want to take the bus early next morning when I go to school. I have often sacraficed myself and got up early just to be able to sleep with him. Then he promissed me that we were gonna be together today. Normaly I play badminton on thuesdays, but I couldn't today, so I called him and invited him over earlyer to eat dinner with my family, but then he told me that he didn't feel like it. Apperantly then he thinks it's to cold in my home. He says that nobody talks to eachother and my mother is questioning him to much. That really hurt me. Does that mean that he'll never come over for dinner?! As I said then I've sacraficed a lot for him out of my own will, and it hurts knowing that he dosn't want to do that for me. I've have gotten in so much trouble bcuz I have cancelled appointments and had to loose a lot of sleep, just to be with him a little longer, but I'm not gonna begg or plead. If he dosn't want to then fine. He schould know for him self that it would mean a lot to me... :'(

hmm well I'm really sad but he is comming over after he has eaten dinner at HIS home!
I know I'm gonna get on his nerves cuz I can't smile or appear happy to him now... I'd rather be alone till this feeling is gone, but I can't cancel on him... And i don't know why.. wish he felt the same

~maria

The simple life

I was to a parental interview with my teatchers yesterday. They told me and my mum that I have gona back almost 2 grades this school year. They all know about my depression, but I promised them that after new year I'll be back to my old self. Now all I need is the big fight to do that. Earlier on the day I had been so nervous bcuz of the interview, so I Ate two burgers and a chokolate bar.. I felt descusting afterwards.
It was hard seeing the dissapointment in my mothers face, but the one who I dissapointed the most was myself. I went over to lars later. I told him how my day had been and that I felt misserable. I just wanted to cry, but when I looked into his face, all I wanted to do was smile.
I started to cry when I finally got home... I couldn't hardly sleep
I just wanna start things over, but I can almost feel that I'm falling back into the depression.. But why?! is it the winter? is it lars? is it the fear of loosing..
I'm so confused!
At breakfast today my mother asks me if I wanna go on prosak.. A pill that makes me happy.. Is that really what i need? I'm against that kind af fake feelings, but I can't risk spoiling my education or lars's bliss.
I just don't know what to do...
I went to school this morning, but took home after the first class. When I got home I started to sort out all my things for school. I made all the necklegted homework. I think I did this for hours.. But I hope this is the first step towords getting back into my old rutine.
I just really need to start over with everything...

wish me luck

~maria

After the winter...

Two weeks has pasted now... lars broke up with me on a wednesday over the phone. It was incredible hard and I cried a thousand tears at night when I was lying to myself. Everything seemed useless. I stayed home from school thursday bcuz I couldn't stop crying. My mum knew why, so she let me do what ever I wanted. But before she went of to work that day, she kissed me and sayd "don't do anything stupid, you will find love again". I didn't want to move on with my life at that point, but the next day I went to school because so many ppl had been writting to hear how I was doing. I felt more loved than ever, so the only way I could forget him, was to be in those ppl's present. Jesper came over thursday, and I went to the cinema with 5 friends friday to keep busy. Saturday I was going over to lars's best friends girlfriend. She was very close at breaking up with her bfriend, but I talked with her all day. SHe is now one of my closest friends. lars's friend came over later on the evening, and we descided to go out together all 3. We drove home to me a first, but then over to lars's friend, where another of lars's friend came over. I was close with them all, because I have partyed a lot with them. Lars was going to a big party that same day, but I had been writting with him in the morning.
I don't know exactly why, but I guess lars was incredible drunk, cuz later on the evening he became really pissed on me and his best friend. He said I was fake and that his friend had stabbed him in the back by still partying with me.
Instead of being mad at him, I just wrote things like I love you, and know you're drunk, but please don't write any more messages to me. Appearently he had heard I had been cheating with him and all kinds of things. BUt i know that he was just scared cuz he could see I could live without him and I was the one partying with his friends. I was told later on by a friend that he had been crying and said that he was hurting so badly cuz he cared so much about me.
I called him the next evening but he told me that he had gotten over me that night. I didn't knew what to do. He kept saying I had done all kinds of things and said he hated me. then he hang up, but wrote and asked me why he couldn't find rest. I wrode back to him that it was because he knew deep in his heart that those things wasn't true. And you can't hate someone that much if you don't love them. I asked him what he saw if he look behind all that hurt and anger. I guess he saw what I have always seen - love...

We descided that we were gonna meet and talk things trough, but it wasn't gonna be as easy as it sounded. And entire week went by, but he couldn't find time to it. Then I descided to have a party saturday and I invited lars and all his friends.
When he first stepped in my door, I was a bit surpriced that I dind't feel a huge pain, but I was really calm (I had been drinking). In a way I knew that he was gonna forgive me that evening. As the evening went on and we had a good time playing some games and getting drunk, then he suddenly took my hand in front of everybody. I knew they where all watching closely, just waiting for those words... He then asked me if I wanted to try again. At first I looked him in the eyes to see if it wasn't just because he was drunk, but it wasn't... I said yes and that I knew we could make it work again, cuz I love him and is willing to change things for him. I leaned foreward and kissed him deeply. I can't describe that feeling I felt when I kissed him, but damn I had missed it. He then whispered in my ears that he couldn't make things work without me and that he had missed me and needed me.
i went out to the hallway and he followed me. We slipped in to the bathroom and started kissing. He then said that he did love me "LOVE ME"!! He had just been denying it to him self that he did, cuz he was afraid to get hurt. Then he put his arms around me and said the words again: "I love you maria" The rest is confidential ;)
This is now the second day of our new relationship, and I'm really trying not to be so dependant of him and not demand all his time.
- wish me luck

~maria

Going worse

I love lars... But now he sais that he can't live in our relationship any more. He has been writting with my cousin. She tryed to make him understand the seriousness of what he is doing. He is not only hurting me, but also giving up on so much.. He hasn't broken up yet. He gave my causin his word that he would do it to my face. I know it's the only reason he hasn't done it yet. I feel a huge gap in my stomach, but I was close at endning it all too, cuz I can't stand just sitting passive and watching him let it slip away. My heart feels like it is faling to a thousand peaces. I can't be in my room all alone without starting to cry. Everytime I look at something that reminds me of him and me, all the pain comes back up.
I sat with the knife to my wrist, but I couldn't!! Damn you lars! I can't do it cuz It will hurt you! don't you see how much I care about you?! I face a pain greater than anything I have ever tryed.. I could easaly replace it with a soft cut into my skin, but I choose not to, cuz I can see your face and feel you arms holding me from it.
Where are you now when I need you the most?
Where are you...? :'(

I TRYED SO HARD!
-but i had to fall

Lars told me yesterday that he feels I'm keeping him from seeing his friends. He said to me that everything just felt so tirating sometimes. It really hurt me.. He could just have told me that he didn't want to be with me that night cuz he wanted to be with a friend intead... He blames me instead, and says that he donsn't feel he can say that to me, without him getting a blaming text message later on the evening ... ?
I feel so tirate of it all. Nothing I do is good enough... And now he has also just told me that he thinks I demand to much of him To all this he has also told me that his feelings for me isn't as strong as mine are for him...
It feels like a big black hole. I'm afraid of even trying to make things better, cuz it will only end up with him blaming me...
How long can keep up with this? I feel so confussed and afraid. I love him, but I can only feel pain and hurt with him.
Last night I scratched the words; "love and hate = pain" into my skin. I was crying and just unable to do anything, so I went to bed at eight, becuz it was the only way I could forget. I woke up again at 5 morning and wrote a message to lars, and went to sleep again. I got out of bed at 12.
He asked me if I wanted him over at four, but he made sure I knew he only stayed till dinner...
I feel like I'm wating for him, to see my pain and come comfording me, but I know he isn't gonna do that... I know him to well
He'd rather pretend nothing is wrong, and then expect me to be there for him, when he has the least problem... I feel like our relationship is doomed, but I can't get me to brake up because i'm so afraid.. Maybe I'll realize that it was a mistake.. maybe I'll never find someone new... or maybe he is as good as it get's.. Maybe I'll fall back into my missery... BUT ISN'T IT ALL THERE NOW ?!


~maria