Hmm... what to put dow before I go to sleep? I'm not really sure how to describe my life at the moment... I was as I wrote earlyer partying all weekend, but appearently my body couldn't take it and my hart started beating like creazy and I got dizzy all the time. I've been diagnosed with stress. The dizzyness and the hartbeats where just a way for my body to scream out for me to slow down. I could have got an hartattack if I had continued me partying.
It dosn't scare me to think about, but what does scare me is the reaction ppl had. Lars got really worried and called one of my friends and asked her to stay with me one night to keep and eye on me cuz he couldn't be there. Even though he told her not to say he had called her, then she told me, and I was really amazed. He really cares that much about me. To me it wasn't a big deal, since death dosn't scare me, but my friend and the few ppl I told was really chokked and ordered me to relax.
Lars came over last night to keep me company even though he was really sick and had to go to work early morning. He took a cap and slept in my room even though he wouldn't get much sleep since I don't sleep a long time any more, and even though his contacts would hurt like hell next day. He did all those things for me... More then I deserve

Things are also changing with my rents. I had a long chad wiht my mum one day. She was uppset with me, cuz I had broke another promis to her. This was the second time in two days and she was on the verge to forbid me to go to the party saturday. I had no other choice, but to sit down and start a painfull and hard convosation with her: I had to face her like an adolt even though she would treat me like a child...!

We came out with a couple of groundrules and an agreement to let me be more independent and grown, IF!... I could earn my way to it.

So fare so good right!

goodnight to ya all

I’m back

I’m sorry I haven’t been writing much these last couple of days. I’ve been wanting to, but couldn’t find the time. These last days have been disgustingly happy. I’ve been sleeping at Lars’s house every other day. I’m getting to know his entire family better and better. I feel like I have a second home now. His mother is so nice and kind to me. When I’m his arms at night he always whispers in my ears that I’m so nice and sweet and that he really likes me. When he does that I freeze inside and don’t know what to say back. I mean the same thing about him, but the words surprise me every time. I’ve never been used to be complimented or felt so loved. This whole thing is new to me, but I really like the feeling. All of this makes me even more scared. I can hardly sleep when I’m at his place, cuz I’m afraid to wake up and it’s all over. We are closing in on our 7’Th day anniversary and that’s about the longest we’ve ever lasted, so I feel like I’m nearing my own doom.
I’m constantly battling myself, trying to convince my self that I shouldn’t tell him about my last suicide attempt. He’ll only end up blaming himself, and pushing me away bcuz he would be to scared to hurt me again. But the word “I’m sorry” is so close to finding their way out of my lips when I’m looking at him smile to me in the morning. I guess it’s my conscience that’s trying to ease itself, but I won’t allow it to hurt him. One night when he is sleeping I’ll whisper the word to him, in my last hope to get rid of this guilt. I had almost caused an unbearable pain on him. I almost killed myself, leaving all the questions floating around the air.

Anyway we aren’t taking it slow anymore, we are officially a couple, and I‘ve started telling it to ppl. I was too afraid before, cuz it would make it too complicated to get over him again.
I really have faith in that we can make it work this time. So much has changed since the last two times.

Well that’s all for now cuz I’m gonna get out and get drunk for the next 3 days :o)

Hmm… If I have to right about all that has happened the last 2-3 days, then I’m gonna need a lot of space on this blog. I’ll try anyway

Thursday I was supposed to be at this birthday party with 65 ppl invited, but bcuz we broke a lot of stuff that Wednesday, then the birthday girl had to cancel. I ended up writing with Lars and he tried to find another party to go to so that I wouldn’t have to sit home and be bored. He couldn’t but we got to write a lot anyway. The next day I was going to a huge party in a city near mine. At first I went to work then when I got off I had pizza with 3 guys I know. The two of them came to my house later on the evening where we had some beer before we drove to the party.
Lars called me suddenly asking for a guy’s number. One of my friends had the number and I gave Lars it. I found out that Lars and some of his friends was kinda after this guy cuz he apparently had forced one of his friends little sister to give him a blowjob. I don’t like the guy they where after so I didn’t mind, besides then I hate guys that does something like that. But that’s not my point, my point is that Lars and me again got to talk. He had prolly heard all the guys around me, cuz he suddenly wrote that he missed me and that he wished we could have something again. We called each other a couple of times that evening, but I didn’t make it deffenatly that I wanted to be with him again. I told him that I was to unsure weather he was serious or just wanted to be with me and then afterwards brake up a couple of days later…
Again at this party I ended up kissing the same guy as the party last Wednesday. I know that he has totally fallen for me, but the problem is that his best friend still likes me a lot. And besides that, the one guy that my best friend is stuck on totally has fallen for me... How can I be so cursed?!
My best friend got so depressed over this so she wanted to go home. This worked out perfectly for me, cuz that way I could get to the party Lars was at. He had invited me home to sleep over.
I meet up with him and he called his dad to come pick us up. We sad down on a bench and started talking about us mostly. He kept telling me that he really missed me and that he wished we could try again. He also said that he had been thinking a lot about me, and that no matter what he did, then I kept popping into his thoughts. He also said what we would have to do different this time. One of the things was that we would have to go to more parties together, cuz he gets really jealous when I’m with all my guy friends at those big parties ( and you can say that he has a good reason, man! If he knew!)
Sitting there next to him on a bench when it’s dark, made me want to be with him so much, but my mind kept saying no. Keep it physical! When we got to his house we sad down and saw a movie and talked more about us. If I have to be honest then I feel like I can tell him everything and no matter what I say then we both have the same opinion on things and we like the same things. We are so alike in every way. Today I feel like he is my best friend and more.
It scares me a bit knowing this, cuz I keep hearing that the kind of relationship that feels like this is often the once that last forever… not nice knowing that I could end up marrying this guy and never try being with anyone else. I have barely tried living, since I’ve been kinda hiding from the world the last two years.
To make it short, then me and Lars are kinda back together. We aren’t a couple, but we are not allowed to have anyone else and we kiss and hug when ever we are together and we party together. But we don’t go to each others house every day or say to anyone that we are a couple. I don’t know what you can cal us… But I’m willing to go slowly on his premises cuz I like him so much, but it’s gonna be hard with this other guy that I’m flirting with so much. I could end up falling for him… so Lars I beg you to hurry, but then again you can’t force you’re self to be ready.
I know that you only started this relationship last Friday, cuz you knew that I was slipping away.

I know that it’s wrong, but I’m not gonna stop flirting with this guy until we are serious again… cuz If you should brake it off then I want to have an emergency plan so I wont end up hurting myself or worse…

At home things are finally getting to the point where I can live and breathe in this house. My rents are being really nice to me, and my brother has forgiven me for letting him down, and we are brother and sister again… thanks for understanding me!

I hate being out of control but I love it at the same time.

I was at a big party yesterday. At first I had had my class at my house for a barbeque. I don’t have to say it was really boring and that I’m not much into these gathering. It was really windy and we could hardly grill. After the BBQ I had to go to work. We had a huge sail so my boss needed me for a couple of hours. I got home again around 7 and a friend came over and we got ready for the party. I kept asking her if I looked all right and if she thought I was pretty today. She told me that I always look beautiful. There is a part of me who knows that I’m fairly pretty, but another part still thinks that I’m ugly, fat and evil.
When we got to the party around 9 everyone was already there and had started to drink. I said hallo to all my friends (which is everyone there) the next thing on my mind was to go buy a drink and drink it fast so I could get real drunk. I wanted to get drunk and forget. Forget everything and everyone. When I’m drunk I become a different Maria. I flirt and I forget all my principles and most important of all, I forget my hart. I have no ties and no rules.
All of this led to me getting the boy my best friend is in love with, to fall for me. She got really sad and ended up crying, but she has forgiven me, cuz it really isn’t my fault.
I also ended up kissing a guy from my class who I think never has kissed a girl like that before. He is probably the best looking in my year, but he doesn’t seem like my type. I don’t want it to go anywhere, but we can’t avoid it changing anything. I can’t help feeling like I’ve been cheating on Lars, which is really weird since we’re not a couple. I keep thinking that I can never tell him cuz he’ll be hurt, like I’m hurting when I hear that he is seeing a movie with another girl.

At the party I was even so bold as to walking with all my scars visible. They aren’t that easy to see, but I knew some girls noticed and talked about them, but I didn’t care. I’m still kinda proud of them. They are my proof of that I’ve survived worse times then any of those girls together.

What can I say, I get what I want and ppl don’t know where they got me. I’m evil cuz I only serve my own causes. I don’t follow black and white rules. To me the only thing that matters is that I get what I want. Therefore you must understand that it is really weird for me that I care for someone above myself. That I’m willing to be hurt to keep this person from being it…

Please don’t forget me…

I can’t tell you that me and Lars is back at the point we were before everything went wrong, but we are friends again. As some of you know he was at a female friend to watch a movie last Sunday. He stayed over night. I have never been so jealous, but I began writing with him anyway. We began talking about what went wrong that day, and he admitted that before it did, he was actually considering “us”. It makes me happy to know. I’ve been thinking about our past these last couple of days, and I can’t help but feeling like we’ve known each other for years even though it’s only around 3 months. I feel like we’ve gone through so much and somehow managed to stay such good friends. That must mean something…?

For some reason I’ve been listening a lot to the song breaking the habit by linkin park. The video and lyric is really powerful and I can relate to almost everything, especially when a young girl writes on a peace of paper that she is nothing and then cut’s herself and then cover the text with her blood.

Lately I’ve been in a funny mood too. I’ve been really happy on the surface. I can’t explain why and I can’t help looking like it. But somewhere under the surface I can feel how the thought of Lars and me being “separated” when we were so close to the goal.

Can you forgive me again?

Last friday as you could read I was really depressed. It ended up with me calling Lars. I don't know why really, I guess I just wanted help and he was the last option. For some reason he got kinda upset bcuz I brought his mood down and ruined his party. Well thank you!
After I had talked to him twice I got so angry with both him and me, that I went to my room and swollowed 15 panodil. I got a little dizzy and tired, but nothing else really happened. I just wanted to be numb, and if I got lucky they would kill me in my sleep. Ofcourse there wasn't enough to do that... But I hoped

I fell a sleep but woke up again bcuz my phone rang. It was Lars, asking if we were still fiends and how I was doing. I just told him I was ok now, well knowing that I had been really close to taking my own life. He joked about something and I couldn't help laughing. I promised I would call him the next day so we could talk this through.
I did call him the next morning, but he didn't want to talk about it. I could hear on his voice that he still blamed me, and he even said that he wouldn't take his phone with him to partys so I couldn't depend on him...!
Ever since I haven't heard from him. I'm better now, feeling good and no longer depressed, but I'm sad to have lost one of my best friends

I hate myself!!

Every time the thought pops into my head it feels like a thousand daggers being stabed into my chest. Crushing my hart over and over again. I caused this pain. Not only on my self, but on Lars as well... I'm sorry! Can you forgive me?

The abyss

I'm standing in front of a dark edge. Cold wind blows up in my face from the bottom. I slowly lean out to see what draws me so hard towards it, wanting to jump out and let go. The abyss is so deep that I would fall forever and disappear from time and present. My life would end painless

As you can see I'm not doing to well. My life hangs by a thread. I'm the one who is worthless and sleeps through everything. I no longer take part in the world around me. I don’t watch TV or reads the news or anything. Nothing cares to me I hate the thought of having to hurt all those ppl who cares, but I know they'll get over it and move on in their life. BUT GOD! Sleeping through you’re life and not wanting to see what comes next, is so stupid, it only means that I no longer want the life my parents gave to me. So why keep me in agony?

If you all really care about me, then you would want me to do what is best for me

Food dosn't interest me. Nothing seems tempting, but i'm still eating something to keep my parents of my back.
Yesterday I went to the doctor to get "the pill" just to make things easyer. He had to ask me a couple of medical questions, but then all the sudden out of no-where came this question: Are you depressed?
I panikked, but kept my cold expresion on my face and said no!
I lied as I always do... It may sound as a no biggie, but I actualty said no to get help. At that point there is no chance of me ever getting medical help in this.

At home everything is like it always is. I'm fighting with my mum and dad. They say I'M worthless and stupid and I say that I don't want to be a part of this family and stays in my room for as long as possible.

Only when I'm laying asleep on my coach, all my trubles seems so fare away.

I was surposed to go out to mc Donals with Lars today. He called me at 2 am yesterday and said that we where going out for dinner to get my mood up, but then he got in a fight later on the evening and broke his hand to places and now he can't drive... Yeah.. we didn't go bcuz of that...
I'm a bit sad and I cut again, only on my arm, but the urdge to cut my wrist was really big...
I tryed writting to Lars and ask him if he would hate me for it, but he didn't write back...

I hate myself for ruining my else what perfect life, or the perfect life it could have been. I'm all ready falling...

I did it!

I cut today. Just after dinner the urge became to strong. I had been thinking a lot about it for several days now. Even a picture of a cut could make me grab the nearest scissor and make me cares my skin. So fare all the scissors have been to blunt.
I’ve been feeling more and more miserable every day. Even though nothing is really wrong in my life, but maybe that’s the real reason why I did it. Nothing in my life is too miserable or to good to stay for, besides I hate my look at the moment. I have no confidence in my self what so ever.

Anyway I cut and I’m sorry all of you who I promised not to, but most of you don’t really know how hard it is. “Luckily” I didn’t cut more then one cut and not very deep. I didn’t even cry afterwards as I mostly do, I just stood there silent and numb. It didn’t even hurt that much. I’m not gonna tell Lars that I did it, cuz he seems like he’s got enough to worry about, besides I don’t think he really wanna know.

Oh! And then I’ve finished one of my poems. Here it is:

Jekyll and Hide

I count the minutes
Listen to my heartbeats
I stare in the mirror for hours
Trying not to forget

When dawn comes
She’ll take over
I fear her
But I’m not strong enough to resist

I hide in her shadow at day
Only at night I’m free
Scared of what she might do
Because I’m the one who pays the price

I look at her life through my eyes
Seeing how she hurts the ones I love
She’s cold and hard as rock
Nothing is to sacred to be her tool


Hope you all like it. I think it’s one of my best so far… take care

I'm gaining weight like never before. I'm already back up to the 65 kg :´( I'd so wish I could develop bulimia or anorexia, but the problem is that I can't stop eating and I can't throw up!! I'm afraid to go near the kitchen, cuz every time I do, I get to tempted and start eating something. Lukey we don't have any sweet stuff or cake in the house at the time. I gotta get this thing under controle so I can start loosing weight for summer...

Otherwise my life sux in everyway. All my friends are to busy to hang out or shop with me. I feel so alone in a way, but then again I don't really wanna hang with them. I'm busy enough with our examin and my mom bossing me around over this konfirmation. But then again she did gave me 400 kr! It dosn't mean that I forgive her so she keeps making demands for it. I really need the money, so I'm prissoned by it. I'm her slave :(...

I think about cutting every day now. It is becoming harder not to cut. I keep thinking: "no one will know" or "What's gonna happend if you don't" For some reason I think that my starting to eat again is bcuz I have no other alternative, and I'd rather cut then being fat!!!